The Break-Up Artist Page #6

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Have you ever considered working

on the happy end of relationships?

People don't need help falling in love.

They have the Internet and

alcohol for that.

But they do need someone to help

cushion the blow when it's over.

'Cause no matter

how gently you dump someone,

what your ex is really saying is,

"My life is better without you in it."

Getting dumped is like

skinning your knee as a kid.

I'm just the kiss from Mom

that makes it feel better.

I really hope that one day you and

love get back on speaking terms.

Love is just a leftover emotion

from our hairy ancestors.

I mean, when your house is under

constant attack from woolly mammoths,

then yeah, love and all that

other cutesy stuff are important.

But today we have wireless everything.

We're self-sufficient.

We don't need

to rely on each other.

So, what about them?

Probably been together

for over 30 years.

Their youthful good looks

are gone.

They've already gotten on

each other's every last nerve.

And I'm sure they're not

in it for the sex anymore.

So how do you explain the fact

that they're still together?

How else

other than love?

Senility and Viagra.

I'm just saying.

While I agree that her shirt

was cut sluttily,

it also had a very humorous

slogan on the front,

so clearly my client was looking

at that and not her b*obs.

So it's over. Deal with it.

Well, pardon me.

I don't know how I didn't see

this tall drink of handsome.

Mm-mmm-mmm.

Oh. Just as I thought.

Made in heaven.

I'm on my way to Crunch

to do some pectoral flies.

Mm-hmm?

- Care to spot me?

Okay.

Good work, Steven.

Your next dumping is on the house.

Where's the client list?

He's not talking.

That's because

you gagged him, sweetie.

Let me go!

- Ow.

Is somebody thirsty?

I've got a blueberry schnapps.

Or maybe-- maybe you'd

prefer a whiskey shot.

No. No, no.

Anything but that!

Oh, this is so-- Mmm!

- No!

Where is the client list, Chuck?

I can't! I can't!

No.

Oh, right here.

- Monsters.

Oh! Monsters!

Monsters!

No! No!

Okay! Okay!

Okay. Just put them away.

Put them away. I'll tell you.

The client list

is in my e-mail account.

So please stop.

Come on.

I'll pay, okay?

You don't have to break a--

Bob had a full head of hair when he married

his wife. Now look at him. He's hideous.

She nags him, restricts

his football watching,

and she's on the Olympic sex

program-- once every four years.

Sucks for Bob. Move.

He obviously needs

to cut her loose,

but E-Dump is getting

overloaded with clients recently.

So I thought I'd outsource a

few cases to you. You interested?

No.

- Brooks, please.

Just listen to me,

all right?

Look, I came

to bury the hatchet.

Yeah? Well, you already did.

It's in my back.

Please, just accept

this rose...

and these delicious nougats

in the spirit of forgiveness.

I'm here to help, all right?

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

I'm staring

at the horse's other end.

Britney. Britney,

we need to be civil, all right.

For Ashley's sake. I--

I love her.

Why is every man

in love with my sister?

Just let me give you a job, all right?

- Ugh!

You can run your own little

break-up bureau out of E-Dump.

It'll solve

your bank problems.

Britney, please. I--

I don't wanna fight with

my future sister-in-law.

Get out.

I mean, it's perfect irony

really.

The break-up artist

done in by love.

I'm broke. My only hope is to get

this guy together with my sister, and--

I mean, he's nice and

he tries really hard, but--

He just lacks Rick's charm.

I'm surprised my sister

fell for him at all.

I mean, God,

what was she thinking?

Sorry. There's just

no one else to talk to.

Well, I know it looks

bad right now,

but I have every faith that

you will bring my muse back.

If you want the money now,

I can give it to you.

No.

I don't take money I didn't

earn. I'm not my sister.

Ashley liked you

for one reason.

She thought

you were rich.

Okay. Rick's got cash,

which is why he's got Ashley.

We can fake your coolness,

and maybe we can make you seem a

little more financially attractive.

First we're gonna need

some money.

Twenty-five bucks.

The emo kids

love your artwork.

I just came to help.

Yeah, well, your help's why I'm

sitting here with one client.

Brit, this hasn't been

easy for us either.

I miss you.

And Tiff's so crushed, she's going

back to get her beauty school G.E.D.

Look, this file contains

all Rick's clients,

many of whom

he stole from you.

Swing half of them back to

your side, and his business is done.

I'll take them all.

So, we got the money.

Now what?

Uh-oh.

Is that all you got?

- Oh, shut up.

I can't feel my abs anymore. I think

you're supposed to rest in between sets.

Did Romeo rest

when chasing Juliet?

Ross never gave up

from pursuing Rachel.

Right now, another man is wining

and dining the woman of your dreams--

a horrible, disgusting

other man.

Three!

You ready?

- Let's do the thing.

All right. Okay.

Okay.

Good for dinners and daytime

summer barbecues.

Yes.

Any movies

after the third date.

Nice.

Come on.

First meeting

of the parents.

Birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

Shoot. I knew that.

Let's go again.

Oh. Sh-- I know. I looked.

Force of habit, okay?

Ow! Okay.

It was-- Never mind.

Oop.

And I want summaries of all

the fall lines by tomorrow.

How's your fitness?

It only takes me 12 minutes

to do the 8-minute abs now.

Nice.

Oh, guys. I'm so sorry.

I completely forgot.

Hey. Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, guys.

Hey. Hey, you know, I'll come

in early tomorrow morning.

All right? We're gonna

get this done. I promise.

You know what, Britney?

I'm done with this.

I'm done with the practice. I'm done

with the training. I want my muse now.

Okay. You're ready.

Britney, you--

you were so amazing.

You knew everywhere

that Ashley was gonna be.

No. It's all you, Mike. I'm so proud

of how much of a dick you are now.

Oh. Okay.

You think I should her now?

- What? No, no, no, no.

As soon as you pick up that

phone, you go from hunter to prey.

No more balance.

- Okay. I'm breaking the rules!

You're so good.

- What a day.

Mike?

Hi.

Uh, hey.

What's up, Amber?

Ashley.

- Right.

Were, uh--

Were you getting a massage today?

Mmm.

So what do you want,

a ride home or something?

No, no.

Uh, my boyfriend's coming to get me.

He, like, has a Mercedes.

Hmm. Well, have a good night.

Oh.

Mmm! Hi.

This is three grand

a bottle.

What, is that a lot?

Nah, I just sold

one of my paintings.

You just sold

one of your paintings?

Half a mil.

Really? You just sold

one of your paintings.

Yeah. It was a bad week.

I totally misread you.

You really come off as that

"wholesale shopping bag" guy.

Yeah. Yeah, that's, uh, just an act...

to keep away all the chicks

that are just after my money.

Those are the worst.

Yeah.

That's your stop.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Laters.

Good work.

What's wrong?

She, uh--

She kissed me.

Oh. Well--

That's a--

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