The Bride Came C.O.D. Page #3

You might as well take off my right arm.

If we loaned you money on that,

we'd take that, too.

- The keys, please.

- All right. The keys.

I haven't missed

one of these catches in years.

Come on. We gotta work fast.

That must be him now.

- You're the pilot?

- Yeah. Name's Steve Collins.

Say, are all those provisions

for a two-hour trip?

- You the bridegroom?

- Yes.

You'll be hungry on the way back.

- Mr. Collins.

- Hey, what's the idea?

Just trying to calculate the lady's weight.

Poundage is important in a plane,

you know. Can't carry too much.

- Sure.

- May I?

If I'd have known that,

I would have shaved.

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Telephone for Mr. Keenan.

What?

It's your office, Mr. Keenan.

And they say it's very important.

Yeah. You warm up the plane.

I'll be back in a minute.

Well, you'd better

fasten your safety belts...

Hey, just a minute. I'll take care of that.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Mr. Brice!

Mr. Keenan wants you in the office.

It's very important.

- Hey! We're moving!

- Hey, Joan! Come back!

- Hi, Allen, boy! Where's the bride?

- She's in that plane.

- She's being kidnapped.

- Kidnapped? What? Who?

- Why not get a train?

- Hey, where's the phone?

- Where's the telephone?

- Yeah.

Hey, wait, I saw the...

- Is there another phone around here?

- Nobody gets a scoop on this. Understand?

- Did you get that, Riley?

- Herald Bulletin? Riley speaking.

Joan Winfield's been kidnapped.

- All right, hurry up.

- Hiya, Tommy.

What do you think of

Joan being kidnapped?

Yeah. I go down with eight.

- What? Kidnapped? Who?

- Joan!

- Joan?

- Joan Winfield.

Joan Winfield.

Joan Winfield's been kidnapped.

Who's he? Give me the phone.

Give me the phone, quick.

Give me the phone.

Hey, give me the police.

I want to report a stolen girl.

Are you crazy?

You've left the others behind.

- Easy, easy.

- What do you think you're doing?

Will you have a seat?

You're being kidnapped.

- Kidnapped?

- That's just about it.

But I can't be kidnapped.

I'm just about to be married.

Well, I admit my timing was bad.

Kidnapped?

- Do you mind if I sit here?

- No.

You know

you don't look like a kidnapper?

This is my first job.

- Have you... Have you got a mob?

- No, no. They call me the Solo Kid.

I suppose you're taking me

to your hideout.

You said it, babe.

- Have you always been a criminal?

- Oh, no, ma'am.

- I used to be a Boy Scout.

- Boy Scout?

Twelve merit badges.

I was helping an old lady

across the street one day

when the cops framed me.

- Do you think that's very funny?

- No?

No.

How much are you asking for me?

I'm just a beginner.

I'm only asking carrying charges.

Even for a kidnapper,

that's a very bad joke.

It must be the altitude.

Oh, come on, be serious.

How much are you asking for me?

- $1,100, more or less.

- $1,100 for me?

A girl of my social standing, an heiress?

- Why, I'm practically a national figure.

- Well, what do you think you're worth?

- At least 100,000.

- Now, come, Miss Winfield.

You glamour girls

are a drug on the market.

I couldn't possibly ask

more than say, 1,500.

Don't be ridiculous.

You could ask for 50,000,

and my father would pay it.

- He can afford it.

- I'll tell you what.

You come down a little,

and I'll go up a little.

- You're the strangest kidnapper.

- I made a bargain and I'll keep it.

- A bargain with whom?

- Well, you may as well know.

You'll know in the morning anyway.

I made a deal with your father

to deliver you to him C.O.D.,

Amarillo, in the morning.

But why?

To stop you from marrying the person

you were going to marry, I suppose.

I can't believe it.

My father wouldn't think of doing

such a despicable thing.

- He didn't think of it. I did.

- You?

You're a...

You're not even good enough

for the cuss words I know.

I can't believe that for a mere $1,100

you'd come between two people

who love each other.

Now, you don't think

I want that money for myself, do you?

They're darling. Are they yours?

Well, I like to think of them

as their mother's.

That's sweet.

Tell me, Mr. Collins,

wouldn't you like to do something big

and something beautiful

for your wife and children?

I certainly would.

It's about time

I did something for Clara and the kids.

Clara's my wife.

Then fly me back

to Los Angeles right now,

and I'll pay you twice as much

as my father will.

That sounds like a good deal.

That would be cash, wouldn't it?

Well, I haven't got

that much money with me.

- I'll write you a check, of course.

- Sorry, Miss Winfield.

In the kidnapping racket,

only cash is acceptable.

Well, don't be ridiculous.

I've got $50,000 in my own name

in the Oil City Bank.

But your father's president of the bank,

isn't he?

Well, of course.

Mr. Collins, look.

Do you know how much they're worth?

- Aren't they beautiful?

- They'd look awfully silly on me.

All right, I'll give you 3,000. 4,000.

I promised your father.

Doesn't your son

want to be a football player?

Think of it, Mr. Collins. $5,000.

That'll put him through college.

But he has a better offer

from Western University already.

You're utterly and completely...

Say, you'd better get yourself some sleep.

We don't get into Amarillo

until tomorrow morning.

6,000, Mr. Collins?

There's a blanket in the rear locker.

Sorry, I can't go to Amarillo

with you, Mr. Collins. Goodbye.

Don't jump, you little fool. You'll be killed.

Get yourself some sense.

Sit down!

Do you hear? Will you sit down?

Please! Help me get out of here.

I should have let you jump

five minutes ago.

Well, why didn't you?

That's why.

It wasn't fastened,

and you had it on backwards.

Backwards?

Yes, backwards. Serves you right.

- Look what you did to my plane.

- What I did?

I suppose I was at the controls.

I suppose it was I

who brought the plane down.

If you hadn't tried to jump, I wouldn't have

had to bring the plane down.

If you hadn't kidnapped me,

I wouldn't have had to jump.

It took me 10 years to get this plane,

and I don't own it yet.

Look, if I could feel sorry for anybody

right now, it would be for myself,

- not for a 10-year-old plane.

- I didn't say the plane was 10 years old.

I said it took me 10 years

to save enough money to get it.

Glamour girls!

A bottleneck in the progress of man.

It's so dark here.

It's the indirect lighting.

It never does work right.

- What's that for?

- This is where you sleep.

Well, you don't expect me to sleep here,

do you?

You can bunk in the plane if you want to,

but you'll sleep standing on your ear.

Look! We're both in the same boat.

You don't have to snarl at me all the time.

What do you expect

in the middle of the desert?

- Pear-shaped tones?

- Desert?

One of the best. The Calivada.

Bigger than Death Valley

and further from civilization.

- What's that blanket doing next to mine?

- That's where I sleep.

Well, I'll thank you

to find a room of your own.

That suits me fine.

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