The Brothers Grimsby Page #2

of cardio.

Can I ask you a question?

Are you a vin diesel

impersonator?

Or are you a hit man who

specializes in kids with aids?

What? I'm a secret agent,

i work for an offshoot of MI6.

How could you not tell

your own brother what you do?

Because within the title of my

occupation is the word "secret."

But if you can't trust family,

who can you trust?

Trust you? Trust you?

Because of you,

the head of the world

health organization is dead

and Harry Potter has aids.

You managed to do in

three seconds

what Voldemort failed to do

in eight movies.

Don't wet your knickers.

It's treatable.

Ooh, heroin.

That stuff's addictive.

It's a gateway drug.

To what?

To more heroin.

This is not heroin,

this is rapid bone calcifier.

It fills the fractures

in my ankle,

hardens the bone and muscle

around it so that I can walk.

Why, what happened

to your ankle?

You fell on it.

Hello.

I didn't do it.

I need your help.

If I help you, I'll be arrested.

If you don't, I could be dead

by the end of the day.

All right, listen.

Ledford activated someone

called chil-something.

That's all I know.

Chilcott?

Oh, Jesus, he's a psychopath.

That's a kill order.

Oh, god.

Jodie, I need you

to do something for me.

I need you to find out

the identity of the man

who killed Javier Alvarez.

If I can find him,

it will clear my name.

Can you do that?

I'll try.

Seb, can I press

this red button?

Aah! God's sake.

What?

You just implanted

a tracking device in my neck!

At least I won't lose you

for another 28 years.

I forgot to mention,

i got you a present.

What?

Two tickets for me and you

to go to Chile to see england

play in the final.

How do you know if england

are gonna be in the final?

Well, they'd better be

because I just got this done.

England, world "championes,"

That says 200,016.

No, it says 2016.

That's 198,000 years

from now.

In that case, I got two zeroes

for free, so who's the idiot?

What are you doing?

I need to disappear.

There are people

looking for me.

You won't see me again.

Good luck, nobby.

Yeah.

Okay. No, no, you're right.

I should-- I should be

heading back home anyway.

Got to see the family.

It's good to reconnect.

Take care, eh?

Take care.

Wait. Since you're a spy,

does that mean no one knows

I'm your brother?

Exactly.

Well, then, I've got the perfect

place for you to hide.

Oh, no.

Oh, it's so good

to have you back

in grimsby.

You probably don't recognize it

since it were gentrified.

I am not from grimsby.

Hiya.

Hiya.

I've got a girlfriend.

It's nothing serious.

But she's fit as f***,

so hands to yourself.

Go on. Shoes off.

Hey.

Missed you, dad.

Missed you too.

Was I not clear when I said

i needed a secure location?

This place

is totally secure.

Although I don't know

who she is.

I'm just being hilarious.

That's our Britney.

You want a cup of tea?

There's a kebab.

You can have anything

you want there.

It's a kitchen, fully stocked.

Shut your f***ing mouth,

cartman!

And this is our new babby,

django unchained.

Hey, dad.

Who's that?

That's me oldest son, skeletor.

Hiya. Hey!

What's that, another son?

Don't be daft.

That's our grandson,

gangnam style.

Hiya.

Hi, dad.

And this here is Luke.

We call him that

because he's got leukemia.

I'm so sorry.

He doesn't really.

We just shave his head

so we can claim

the welfare for it.

What?

You know what?

You're looking at

a gold mine up there.

This tragedy can turn

into 65 pound 40 a week.

All right,

chemistry class is over.

Time for biology.

At its maximum,

the mother's uterus

expands to 25 cubic feet.

Who's this?

Who's that?

The other bald man. Who's this?

Jason.

He's Jason.

I'm Jason.

I've got 11 kids.

Not easy to remember them all.

Aah!

His name is not Sebastian,

and that's all

you need to know.

What the f*** are you on about,

dad? It's uncle coddy.

Give us a hug.

I can't believe it's you.

Welcome back to grimsby.

They're your family. Those are

your nephews and nieces.

How do they know who I am?

I might've mentioned you

couple of times

over the years.

"Couple of times"?

I'll show him your wall, dad.

There's you as a kid.

Leg it!

You little bastards.

Give me back me ball!

F*** off.

Nobby. Pass us the ball.

Come on.

Pass it.

He's gonna score.

England's gonna win the final.

Nobby, shoot!

Oh...

Morning, officer.

Nobby and Sebastian butcher.

We were trying to return

that beautiful ball

to its rightful owner.

It's not about the ball, lads.

Look, seb. That's the couple

that's adopting us.

They're from London.

You're coming with me.

Right, nobby?

Of course.

I'd never leave

my little brother.

It's all right to be sad.

But it's not all right

to stand there and whinge

like a low mopey bastard.

Who are we?

Come on, say it.

We're butcher boys

of grimsby.

I didn't hear you.

Say it again.

We're the f***ing

butcher boys of grimsby.

They'll never split us up.

Forever!

Forever!

Anyway, your uncle don't want

to look at pictures

of me and him all day,

do you?

No.

What?

No.

All right. Come on.

Let's take a look

at me travel photos of London.

Come on, everyone.

Come on, squeeze up, squeeze up.

This is the Norfolk arms.

This is the dog and duck.

This is the three crowns.

And this is charing cross

police station.

F***ing pigs.

This is me with some free booze.

And this is me with me finger

up an African boy's ass.

Wait a minute. Go back.

Let me see.

It's the assassin.

Listen, London were fab.

But I missed you lot.

Missed you too.

Missed you too, dad.

Answer it.

Yes, sir.

Hello?

Ledford's watching you,

isn't he?

Say, "hi, daddy."

Hi, daddy.

Aww.

Check your e-mail.

Find out who that is.

You'll have to access the global

facial recognition grid.

And how am I going to do that?

Figure it out.

Hiya.

That the love of me life, dawny?

Is that my darling nobby?

I'm back.

I missed you so much.

Me too.

All right, kids.

Out. Now.

Out. Listen to your mum.

Out quick.

I got something very important

that I need to tell your dad.

What is it?

I lost me panties.

You sure your ass

hasn't eaten them again?

No, you daft twat.

I didn't put any on.

Ooh, I'm getting stiffer

than a pedophile at legoland.

Oh, look.

I'm exactly like

Sharon Stallone

in basic instincts.

Don't worry.

That didn't come out

me bum.

Oh.

That one did.

No problem.

Get over here.

I know you must

be gagging for it.

All right.

Come here, nobby.

Hey.

What?

I'm hungry

for a grimsby breakfast.

Well, the buffet's open.

I'll need a table for one.

It's all-you-can-eat.

See you in about

60 minutes.

Get going.

Ahem, nobby.

Oh.

That's me darts partner,

um...Ben Kingsley.

Nobby, what do you

take me for?

I know who that is.

That's your brother.

Where the f*** you been

all these years?

I've been busy. Congratulations,

by the way. When are you due?

Oh, I'm not pregnant.

I'm just f***ing fat.

- Nobby.

- What?

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