The Browning Version Page #5

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I shall kill myself.

I'm coming to Bradford.

Thank you.

It's on the table.

It's only cold.

[ Clock Chiming ]

Excuse me.

[ Applause ]

- Ah, splendid chap, this Fletcher. Splendid.

- Mm.

- What a loss.

- Indeed.

You know, Headmaster, I really can't

quite understand why you let him go.

I need hardly tell you, General,

that to persuade him to stay...

I tried every ruse in my repertoire.

- Well, that's pretty extensive, I grant.

- [ Chuckles ]

Thank you, General.

But alas, to no avail.

This post he's going to in the city

is an extremely lucrative one.

- There's Crocker-Harris.

- Ah, yes.

Go on, Head,

you'd better get it over.

You don't think that it might come better

from you as head of the governing body?

No, certainly not.

Your business, Headmaster. Sorry.

- Hello, Betty.

- Good day, Carstairs.

- Good day, sir.

- Hello, Millie, my dear.

- Are you stealing Frank from me?

- Well, we did have a date.

- Yes, so he told me.

- I've got three seats just over here.

Good-bye.

You'd think he'd be simply bound to notice,

wouldn't you?

- Who?

- Crocker-Harris.

- Notice what?

- Frank, of course.

Don't gossip, Betty.

I've told you before.

What is there to notice anyway?

My dear, didn't you know?

I see that Fletcher has scored 1 07.

That brings his average for this year

to over three figures.

- Most gratifying.

- There you are, Crocker-Harris.

- I wonder if I could have a word with you.

- Certainly, Headmaster.

We might go for a little stroll

round the grounds, perhaps, if that suits you.

- Would you excuse us, dear lady?

- Why, of course, Headmaster.

Thank you.

I leave you, anyway, in excellent hands.

Did he mean something by that?

No, of course not.

Don't be so nervous.

I know what he wants

to see him about anyway.

- I've a delicate matter to broach.

- Oh, yes?

Good afternoon, Lady Harpenden. My boy.

[ Chuckles ]

By the way, what did you think

of your successor, young Gilbert, eh?

- He seemed very agreeable.

- Good afternoon, Mrs. --

What is that woman's name?

Agreeable?

He's more than that.

He's a very brilliant young man.

Won exceptionally high honors

at Oxford.

The Chancellor's Prize for Latin Verse

and the Gaisford.

Oh, indeed?

Come to think of it,

you won those too, didn't you?

- That is correct, sir.

- And something else besides?

The Hertford Latin and the Newdigate.

Did you? Did you indeed?

And a double first, too.

It's hard to remember sometimes...

that perhaps you're the most brilliant

scholar that ever came to the school.

- You are very kind.

- Hard to remember, I mean...

because of your other activities --

your brilliant work on the timetable...

and your heroic battle for so long

with the soul-destroying lower fifth.

I have not found that my soul has been

destroyed by the lower fifth, Headmaster.

- I was joking, of course.

- Oh. I see.

- [ Applause ]

- Good shot, sir. Good shot.

[ Applause Continues ]

- Here.

- Thank you, sir.

Plays that shot superbly, doesn't he?

Right to the pitch of the ball.

Yes, indeed. What was this delicate matter

you wished to broach, Headmaster?

[ Clears Throat ]

Let's sit here, shall we?

It's extremely unlucky that ill health...

should have forced your retirement

at such an early age...

and -- and so short a time...

before you'd have become eligible

for a pension.

You have decided, then,

not to award me a pension.

Not I, my dear fellow.

Nothing to do with me.

It's the governors who have been forced

to turn down your application.

I put your case to them

as well as I could...

but they decided,

with great regret...

that they couldn't make

an exception to the rule.

But I thought --

Well, my wife thought that...

exceptions have been made

in the past.

Ah, the case of Buller,

you mean, perhaps. Yes, yes.

But you must remember that circumstances

were quite exceptional in that case.

It was, after all, in playing football

against the school that he received that injury.

- I quite understand.

- Yes. I thought you would.

After all, I presume

your salary at this, uh, school --

My salary will be 200 a year.

With board and lodging, of course.

For eight months of the year.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Anyway, your wife's comfortably

provided for, is she not?

I've often heard her refer

to her family connections.

Her father has a business

in, uh, Bradford, is it?

He runs a men's clothing store

in the arcade.

Oh. Your wife's remarks

led me to imagine...

it was something a little more, uh --

a little more extensive.

She has 300 a year of her own,

on which I pay tax.

- I have nothing.

- Hmm.

Yes, yes, yes. I see.

Of course, there's the school benevolent fund,

which deals with cases of actual hardship --

- There will be no actual hardship, Headmaster.

- Good. I'm very glad to hear that.

Of course, I am not denying

that a pension would have been welcome...

but I see no reason to quarrel

with the governors' decision.

Ah, they're going in to tea.

[ Applause ]

I see we're strategically placed

for the marquee.

Well-played, sir. Well-played.

It is fitting indeed

that he should end his career here...

in such a blaze of glory.

Now, that brings me to a --

to a particular favor I have to ask of you.

I know I shan't have to ask it in vain.

Yes, Headmaster,

and what favor is that?

It concerns tomorrow's

prizegiving ceremony.

- Sugar for you?

- Uh, no, thank you.

I'll have a biscuit, I think.

Thank you.

Now, I take it you're prepared

to say a few words tomorrow?

Indeed. Perhaps you would care

to glance at these few notes.

That won't be necessary. I know I can trust

to your discretion, not to say your wit.

Now then, um, uh,

the favor I have to ask you is this.

Fletcher is, of course,

considerably junior to you...

and as such his speech

should precede yours.

But, uh, well, my dear fellow,

you know how the boys feel about Fletcher.

There might very well be a tremendous

demonstration of affection and gratitude...

which it would be wrong

for me to cut short --

difficult for me

to cut short, anyhow.

Well, now, you understand

the, uh, quandary in which I'm placed.

Perfectly. You wish to refer to me

and for me to make my speech...

before you come to Fletcher.

I feel wretched about asking you

to do this, my dear fellow...

but, believe me, it's more for your sake

than for mine or Fletcher's that I do.

You see, a climax is what one must try

to work up to on these occasions.

Naturally, Headmaster.

I should not wish to provide an anticlimax.

Ah, your wife and her escort.

[ Chuckles ] How do you do?

Mrs. Crocker-Harris, may I say

what a delightful hat that is.

Oh, thank you, Headmaster.

I'm glad you like it.

Has anyone ever told you

what a charming wife you have?

Many people, sir,

but then I hardly need to be told.

- Excuse me.

- Oh, would you mind?

Ah, strawberries.

Now then, Mrs. Crocker-Harris.

- Strawberries for you, eh?

- Oh, no, thank you, Headmaster.

- No? What about you, Crocker-Harris?

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