The Cabin in the Woods Page #3

What do you think is down there?

Why don't we find out?

Dana.

I dare you.

How long do I have to stay down here?

Oh, you know, just 'til morning.

Dana.

You okay?

Yeah.

Sorry, I just scared myself.

Well, you called for help.

That voids the dare.

Take your top off.

What?

I don't make up the rules.

Oh, my God.

Look at all this.

Guys..

I'm not sure it's

awesome to be down here.

Guys?

Dude, seriously,

your cousin is into some weird sh*t.

I'm pretty sure this ain't his.

Maybe it was the people

who put in that mirror thing.

Some of this stuff looks really old.

It's beautiful.

Maybe we should go back upstairs.

I dare you all to go upstairs.

Guys?

Guys, listen to this.

"April fourth.

"Father was cross with me

and said I lacked the true faith.

"I wish I could prove my devotion..

"as Judah and Matthew

proved on those travelers."

What is that?

Diary of Anna Patience Buckner, 1903.

"Mama screamed most of the night.

"I prayed that she might find faith..

"but she only stopped

when Papa cut her belly..

"and stuffed the coals in.

"Judah told me in my dream..

"that Matthew took him to the

black room, so I know he is killed.

"I want to understand the

glory of the pain like Matthew..

"but cutting the flesh makes

him have a husband's bulge..

"and I do not get like that."

- Jesus. Can we not?

- No. Go on.

- Why?

-I want to know.

"I have found it..

"in the oldest books,

the way of saving our family.

"My good arm is hacked up..

"and et,

so I hope this will be readable.

"That a believer will come

and speak this to our spirits.

"Then we will be restored

and the great pain will return."

And then there's something in Latin.

Okay, I'm drawing a line

in the f***ing sand, here.

Do not read the Latin.

What the f***?

- Dolor..

- No, no.

- Stop being a f***ing baby.

- Curt!

It's a diary.

It doesn't even mean anything.

- Dana!

- "Dolor supervivo caro.

"Dolor sublimis caro.

"Dolor ignio annivos."

We have a winner!

It's the Buckners,

ladies and gentlemen!

The Buckners pull a 'W'.

All right. That means that

congratulations go to Maintenance!

Who share the pot

with Ronald the intern.

Yeah!

That's not fair. I had zombies, too.

Yes, you did. You had zombies.

But this is

"Zombie Redneck Torture Family," see?

They're entirely separate species.

Like the difference between

an elephant and an elephant seal.

There's always next year.

They're like something

from a nightmare.

No. They're something

nightmares are from.

Everything in our stable

is remnant of the old world..

courtesy of you-know-who.

Monsters. Magic.

Gods.

You get used to it.

Should you?

Oh, man. I'm sorry.

- He had the conch in his hands.

- I know.

A couple more minutes,

who knows what might've happened?

I am never gonna see a merman. Ever.

Dude, be thankful.

Those things are terrifying.

And the cleanup on

them is a nightmare.

So, the Buckners.

Yeah, well, they may be zombified,

pain-worshipping, backwoods idiots..

But they're our zombified,

pain-worshipping, backwoods idiots.

With a hundred percent clearance rate.

True. So should we call Japan?

Tell them to take the

rest of the weekend off?

Yeah, right. They're Japanese.

What are they gonna do? Relax?

I'd just like to see them

fall on their asses, for once.

Oh, God, don't even joke.

Every other branch has air-balled.

We need the Japanese crew to get it

done. There's too much riding on this.

F***, yeah, baby.

This is so classy.

Come on, like you wouldn't

want a piece of that.

Can we not talk about people

in pieces any more tonight?

Are you feeling lonely, Marty?

Marty and I were sweeties

in our freshman hall.

We made out once.

I never did buy that ring.

But we're still..

close.

I have a theory about all this.

That's our cue to bail.

Tommy Chong here has a theory.

Come on, baby.

Don't worry,

you can tell it to Egghead, here..

if he's not too busy

devirginizing Dana.

Jules, do you wanna go lie down?

That's exactly the point.

Come on. Mush. Mush.

Don't push me around.

Not around, baby. Straight line.

You seriously believe

nothing weird is going on?

Conspiracy?

The way everybody's acting.

Why is Jules suddenly a celebu-tard?

And since when does Curt

pull this alpha-male bullshit?

I mean, he's a sociology major.

He's on full academic scholarship..

and now he's calling

his friend an egghead?

Curt's just drunk.

I've seen Curt drunk.

Jules, too.

Well, then, maybe it's something else.

You're not seeing

what you don't wanna see.

Puppeteers.

Puppeteers?

Pop-Tarts?

Did you say you have Pop-Tarts?

Marty, I love you,

but you're really high.

We are not who we are.

I'm gonna go read

a book with pictures.

Thank you.

- "The pain outlives the flesh.

"The flesh returns.. "

or "has a meeting place."

What is that?

The Latin that you

read in the basement.

You speak Latin?

Not well. Not since tenth grade.

Weird how it all comes back.

Well, it's a weird kind of night.

I'm sorry about tonight.

Everybody..

Do I lose points if I tell

you I'm having a pretty nice time?

No. You can tell me that.

What are you running away for?

Don't spill on me!

Did I get a little beer on your shirt?

I guess it'll have to come off, huh?

Not here.

Baby, come on.

We're all alone.

I'm chilly.

Okay, guys. That's it.

Let's go. We've got a job to do.

Your basic human needs disgust me.

Get out of here.

- Do we have temperature

control in this sector? - On it.

Engaging pheromone mists.

It's so dark.

Take me inside?

Come on. This is why we came here.

It's romantic.

Okay, baby. Let's see some boobies.

Show us the goods.

Does it really matter if we see her..

We're not the only ones watching, kid.

Gotta keep the customer satisfied.

You understand what's at stake, here?

Score.

Jules!

This we offer in humility and fear.

For the blessed peace

of your eternal slumber.

As it ever was.

As it ever was.

Nemo, man, you gotta wake up.

Your sh*t is topsy-turvy.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Okay. I swear to f***ing God,

somebody is talking.

Or I'm pretty sure someone is.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Enough!

What are you saying?

What do you want?

You think I'm a puppet, huh?

You think I'm a puppet.

Gonna do a little..

f***ing puppet dance!

I'm the boss of my own brain,

so give it up.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

I don't wanna..

I mean, I've never..

I don't mean "never"..

Hey.

Nothing you don't want.

He's got a husband bulge.

I thought there'd be stars.

We are abandoned.

- F***!

- F***ing run!

Curt!

Dead b*tch!

Jesus, what happened?

The f***!

Curt, what the f***?

Where are you hurt?

Is all of this from you?

It's okay! Curt, you're okay!

Where's Jules?

She's gone.

We've gotta get out of here.

No. No.

Dana, don't open that..

I'm not leaving here without Jules.

That dead girl's out there!

Dana, come on!

What is that thing?

F***!

I don't know,

but there's more of them.

More of them?

I saw a young girl.

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