The Cannonball Run Page #7

as a member of the Highway Patrol,

regardless...

of how shabbily

you treated her son.

You might want to tell that

to the judge, sir.

This is for you and the judge!

Goddamn camel jockey.

Oh, sh*t.

We got a smokey on our tail.

Watch this.

- Officer.

- Pull it over.

We got no brakes!

No brakes!

Help us!

Yes, thank you!

Damn "no brake" gag

works every time.

Oh, no!

We really don't have any brakes!

- Quit kidding, will you?

- Hang on!

Evel Knievel...

you've got yourself

some competition.

Secret weapon.

Ready, fire!

How long we been here?

Twenty minutes.

We could have been there by now.

We're gonna be open

in five minutes, Father.

Father Putz.

Albert Schweitzer!

I want to thank you for being

so sweet and so nice...

and telling those people all about us

back in Missouri...

that we were both flashers

and sex maniacs.

Well, I just

wanted to return the favor...

that you and the chocolate monk

did for us back in Ohio.

"The chocolate monk"?

He could say that.

He could say it 'cause he's riding

around with the Goodyear blimp.

"The Goodyear blimp"?

- He can say that.

- Yeah, I can say that.

Because if I had the time...

I would take those rosary beads

and stuff'em up your nose.

- These rosary beads?

- Yeah.

My rosary beads?

You're gonna shove 'em up this nose?

Up that nose, yeah.

- He can do that.

- He can do that.

- You take a little advice?

- Sure.

Bring friends.

A lot of them.

He wants me to bring...

Blimp?

Ah. The bride and groom

Cannonballer.

I told you this honeymoon scheme

would work.

Good. Now you wear the wig,

sweetheart.

- It's hot.

- Oh, I don't know.

When I was in Egypt making

The Fly Who Bugged Me...

it was at least 180 in the shade...

not that there was much shade.

If CBS would have

had their cameras there...

we'd have made Sports Spectacular

for sure.

We just zoomed right out

over that train.

What, do you want

to try it again?

All right!

Don't you look precious,

all dressed up like that.

And wearing a wig too.

Ain't he cute?

Those guys scare me.

You just stay close to Moore.

There won't be any trouble.

He looks like Gregory Peck

in that blue flannel suit.

This is my friend Shakey.

Allow me to present myself.

I'm on Wall Street.

Maybe we can have lunch sometime.

We don't ride on Wall Street.

Nah, we don't ride on Wall Street.

- Why don't we go over and help 'em out?

- What do you mean "we"?

If we do, then that road opens up

and you're long gone.

Now, why don't you?

You're the Good Samaritan.

Besides, I'm wearing these.

Maybe you would like

to complete your ensemble.

Oh, no. There's something else

of yours that I want.

Oh, really? What's that?

Your ass!

Oh, sh*t.

Well, shall we join the fracas?

Step back, my dear.

I must warn you,

I'm Roger Moore.

- Who?

- Roger Moore.

We'll run in there.

Knock 'em flat out.

- Then we go. We could still win it.

- We can do that.

- We can do that. Yeah.

- We can do that.

You'll be sorry!

Let me down!

Take that!

You're so macho.

Watch this.

Need some help, Father?

Give me somebody!

What, are you crazy, Greek?

How could you possibly change odds

in the middle of things?

Hold it. You wouldn't last five minutes

in the New York subway.

That's the way it's done.

- Is that good to drink?

- I don't know. I never tried it.

Hold it, hold it.

You wanna try this side?

Yeah.

Need some help?

- Will you get out of here?

- Right!

Thanks, Shakey.

Excuse me.

Get this guy, Shakey!

Excuse me, Father,

but the road's open.

Oh, thanks.

The road's open!

Bye.

Let's go! Hit it!

- Come on, come on! Faster, faster!

- I'm trying.

- Come on, faster!

- Drive it like Captain Chaos would.

I'll try.

What'd you take off

that goddamn mask for?

I didn't take off the mask.

He took off the mask.

- We need him, Victor!

- I don't know where he is.

Very interesting fellow.

I'd like to probe his case.

I don't believe this sh*t.

We don't want him around, he's around.

When we want him, he's not around.

I'm gonna get a beer.

It's only ten blocks to the finish.

I feel very confident

that we will be triumphant.

- What the hell was that?

- A Lamborghini.

- She in the race?

- Catch it!

Will you go faster!

Come on!

I've seen every single one of your

movies at least three or four times.

Four times?

- I think we've got it goin', baby.

- Yeah, we're looking good.

Greek's gonna pay us money!

Gosh! Wait'll I tell my friends...

I was sitting

next to George Hamilton!

George Hamilton?

- We got 'em!

- We got 'em!

Look out!

It's a foot race!

- I've got the card...

- No, give me that, Doc.

Come on!

It's a foot race!

Have no fear!

Chaos is here!

Take it and win, Captain!

Anyone need medical attention?

Go! Go, Chaos!

We're gonna win!

It's not a sporting way to win.

What do you say, Father?

No, it's not a sporting way,

it's a shitty way to win.

We won!

We're gonna win!

Help! Help! Somebody save my baby!

He's drowning!

No problem, fair lady.

I will save your baby.

Have no fear!

Oh, my baby, my baby.

Thank you.

You're such a brave man.

You don't know

what this means to me.

Oh, my baby, I love you.

J. J., I saved that woman's dog.

Victor, we could have won

that race.

You understand what I'm telling you?

We could have won!

You understand that?

You had to go

pull that stupid stunt.

He's right, Victor.

We are sick of Captain Chaos.

We are so sick of Captain Chaos

we could throw up.

So you know what, Victor?

There's not gonna be any more

Captain Chaos.

No more!

You see what I'm telling you?

No more Captain Chaos!

Now, what do you think of that?

I don't care, because...

I've always wanted to be...

Captain USA!

It's a dirty job,

but somebody's got to do it.

- Who won the race?

- What do you get for last?

How do you all feel, now that

you have raped the American highways?

- Beautiful. Wonderful.

- Great.

Old chap, I suggest

you get a grip on yourself...

or better, on one of these.

I'll take anything.

And feel free to use the lighter

in my car, Mr...

Foyt.

You wait till he touches

that lighter.

Ain't nothin' happening.

That's funny.

Excuse me.

Mr. Foyt,

how did you light that?

Well, with the lighter,

of course.

That's odd.

I've got a feeling

next year we'll do this again.

J. J., didn't we do good?

- Stop it.

- Ready?

- Stop it!

- Okay. Okay.

Wait a minute. I got something.

No, this will help.

I'm not gonna hit you.

Listen to me. I swear to God.

I'm not gonna hit you. Watch. Watch.

Okay, I'm ready now.

Here we go.

Look at that sh*t.

I'm ready, I'm ready.

I swear to God, I'm ready.

We're off.

Where's he gonna sit?

I warned you not to interfere

in my affairs.

Steven, put away. Seymour. Excuse me.

That's all right.

I'll answer to anything.

You see, even in the deepest

family relations...

My business is not worth a...

Thank you, Victor.

As you probably know, we're...

we're the favorites to...

be the winning racers tomorrow...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes