The Canterville Ghost Page #2

HEY, THIS IS OK.

YOU AIN'T KIDDIN'.

SAY, ALL THIS ROOM

IN ONE ROOM.

YODEL-LEI-HEE!

WONDER WHEN:

THE TRAINS COME IN.

HEY, THIS PLACE

KIND OF REMINDS ME

OF THE OLD MANHATTAN

BOXING ARENA.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW,

SLAP-HAPPY?

THE ONLY THING:

YOU SAW IN THE AREA

WAS THE CEILING WHEN

THEY CARRIED YOU OUT.

WELL,

NOT BAD.

NOT HALF BAD,

BY JOVE.

PUP TENTS ARE OK

FOR THE HOI POLLOI.

ME, I PREFER THE COMFORTS

OF THE HEARTH.

YES, SIR, WITHOUT THE SIMPLE

LUXURIES OF LIFE-

A COMFORTABLE CHAIR, A CHEERY

BLAZE, AND A SPOT OF BRANDY,

I SIMPLY WILT AWAY

AND PERISH.

TAKE YOUR BIG FEE OFF OF THERE, WILLIAMS,

OR I'LL PERISH YOU.

GET A GOOD NIGHT'S

SLEEP, MEN.

YOU'LL NEED IT.

YOU WANT ME, MR. PEABODY, I'LL

BE AT HEADQUARTERS IN THE VILLAGE.

YES, SIR, CAPTAIN.

GOOD NIGHT.

ATTENTION!

REMEMBER, SERGEANT,

THIS IS NOT OUR PROPERTY.

YES, SIR.

CARRY ON.

WILLIAMS, YOU DON' DO THAT AT HOME, DO YOU?

YEAH.

WELL, DON'T DO IT HERE!

I BEG:

YOUR PARDON.

SHALL I SERVE TEA

NOW, GENTLEMEN?

TEA?

MRS. UMNEY THOUGH AFTER YOUR JOURNEY

YOU'D BE A BIT DONE IN.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

THANKS.

VERY GOOD, SIR.

NOW, LISTEN,

FELLAS.

IT SAYS HERE IN THE LITTLE

INSTRUCTION BOOK,

"WHEN YOU'RE GUESTS

OF THE BRITISH,

"YOU GOTTA ACT LIKE

YOU'D EXPECT THEM TO AC IF THEY CAME TO AMERICA."

REMEMBER WHAT IT SAYS

ABOUT FOOD.

HERE.

"IF A BRITISHER

EXHORTS YOU TO EA "OR JOIN HIM IN A SPOT OF TEA,

GO EASY.

"IT MAY BE HIS RATION

FOR ONE WEEK,

SPREAD OUT JUST TO SHOW YOU

HIS HOSPITALITY."

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN,

BUT LADY JESSICA WOULD LIKE

TO SAY GOOD EVENING.

LADY JESSICA?

OH, BOY!

YES. LADY JESSICA

DE CANTERVILLE,

THE OWNER:

OF THE CASTLE.

WELL, UH, TELL HER

WE'D BE HONORED.

VERY GOOD, SIR.

WHAT DO YOU SAY:

TO A DAME THAT'S A LADY?

DO YOU HAVE TO:

KISS HER HAND?

NOW, WATCH IT.

LADY JESSICA:

DE CANTERVILLE.

GOOD EVENING,

GENTLEMEN.

HOLY SMOKE!

IT'S A MIDGET.

NO. IT'S A HALF-PINT.

HOW DO YOU DO?

I KNOW YOU'VE

COME A LONG WAY,

AND I WANT YOU:

ALL TO KNOW:

I'M GLAD

YOU'RE HERE.

AND I DO SO HOPE YOU'LL ENJOY YOUR STAY

IN MY CASTLE.

THANK YOU,

MY LADY,

AND MAY I SAY ON

BEHALF OF MY COMPATRIOTS

THAT WE'RE VERY GRATEFUL

FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY.

YEAH, LIKEWISE.

YOU'RE OK,

YOUR MAJESTY.

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

YOU'LL EXCUSE

THE FELLAS, I HOPE.

WE THOUGHT LADY JESSICA

WAS, UH-

I THOUGHT A GIRL HAD TO BE

MARRIED BEFORE SHE WAS A LADY.

HA HA HA!

OH, DEAR, NO.

A LADY IS A LADY

WHEN SHE BEHAVES LIKE ONE,

MY AUNTIE SAYS.

YOUR AUNTIE:

IS QUITE RIGHT.

WHICH OF YOU:

ARE INDIANS?

HA HA HA!

HE'S AN INDIAN.

YES? TO WHICH TRIBE

DO YOU BELONG?

HE'S

A HOBOKEN INDIAN.

I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER READ

ABOUT THAT TRIBE.

HA HA HA HA.

TEA IS SERVED,

GENTLEMEN.

OF COURSE.

OF COURSE.

WILL YOU POUR,

MY LADY?

I WILL BE HAPPY TO.

FINE.

THIS WAY, GENTLEMEN.

MORE TEA?

NO, THANK YOU.

NO, THANK YOU.

WHO DID THAT?

WHO DID IT?

THAT'S NOT TEA,

SIR.

OH, IT ISN'T?

JORDAN, GET THAT BOTTLE OF

CLEANING FLUID OUT OF THE TRUCK.

OK.

IT'S NO USE,

SIR.

NOTHING WILL:

TAKE IT OUT.

WHAT MADE THAT SPO WAS... BLOOD.

BLOOD?

BLOOD?

BLOOD.

BLOOD?

QUITE SO.

THAT'S THE BLOOD

OF LADY BARBARA MODISH,

WHO STABBED HERSELF

IN THE THROA WHEN SHE SAW... HIM.

HIM?

WHO-WHO IS HIM?

SIR SIMON.

OUR GHOST.

OH.

YOUR GHOST,

DID YOU SAY?

YES. HE'S QUITE THE MOS FAMOUS GHOST IN ENGLAND,

AND HE LIVES HERE

IN THIS CASTLE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

TAKE IT EASY.

WELL, IF YOU DON' WANT ME TO TELL YOU-

OH, BUT WE DO.

GIVE THE LADY:

A CHANCE, FELLAS.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAYS IN THE LITTLE

WELL, IF SHE SAYS

THE CASTLE IS HAUNTED,

WHO ARE WE TO QUIBBLE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT MAY SOUND:

SILLY TO YOU,

BUT AUNTIE TOLD ME

THE SPOT WON'T COME OUT.

REALLY.

AND I'VE EVEN SEEN

THE GHOST MYSELF.

NO FOOLING?

AND THAT'S THE DOOR

TO HIS BEDCHAMBER

BEHIND:

THAT TAPESTRY,

ISN'T IT,

MRS. UMNEY?

YES. HE WAS WALLED UP IN THERE

CENTURIES AGO.

HOLY CATFISH!

THAT'S

AWFUL.

YES, AND EVERY

NIGHT NOW,

ON THE STROKE OF 12:00,

HIS GUILTY SPIRI COMES THROUGH THAT DOOR

AND WALKS THE HALLS, SUPPOSEDLY

IN SEARCH OF A KINSMAN,

THEN GOES BACK AGAIN.

OH.

NO KIDDING.

OH, GENTLEMEN,

BEWARE.

I'VE SEEN THINGS

WITH MY OWN EYES

THAT WOULD MAKE:

ANY CHRISTIAN'S HAIR

STAND ON END.

I'LL BE YOU HAVE.

I'VE READ ALL

ABOUT I IN A BIG BOOK AUNTIE'S

GOT IN THE GATEHOUSE.

I SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THIS

BEFORE BEDTIME,

BUT THE DOWAGER DUCHESS

OF STUTFIELD:

WAS FOUND ONE NIGH ON THE BALCONY

OUTSIDE HER BEDROOM,

STARK STARING MAD.

THERE'S THE LOVELIES PICTURE OF HER

GIBBERING LIKE AN IDIOT.

HA HA HA!

YOU DON'T SAY!

YES.

SHE WAS PUTTING ON

HER DIAMOND LAVALIERE

WHEN A SHADOW:

CAME OVER HER.

SHE TURNED,

AND THERE WAS THE GHOS AS THE CORPSE SNATCHER

OF CHERTSAY BARN.

CORPSE SNATCHER?

THAT'S AWFUL.

AND LADY MARGARET BILTON,

SHE DROWNED HERSELF

IN THE CARP POND.

DO YOU KNOW WHY?

NO. WHY?

BECAUSE THERE:

HE WAS AGAIN,

COMING AFTER HER

WITH LONG, GREEN FINGERS

TWITCHING WITH PALSY

AND HIS EYES:

BURNING LIKE COALS-

THE BLOODSUCKER:

OF BEXLEY MOOR.

BLOODSUCKER?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU, FELLOWS?

WHO ARE WE TO QUIBBLE?

WHAT IS YOUR NAME,

PLEASE?

CUFFY WILLIAMS.

WELL, CUFFY WILLIAMS,

I KNOW VERY WELL THA YOU'VE BEEN LAUGHING AT ME,

BUT JUST YOU WAIT.

EXCUSE ME, MY LADY.

FAR BE IT FROM ME

TO CONTRADICT YOU,

BUT JUST YOU WAIT.

IF IT RAINED LIKE THIS

IN CALIFORNIA,

WE WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

THANKS,

JORDAN.

MAY I, SERGEANT?

OH, SURE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB TOO

HARD. IT'S WONDERFUL STUFF.

BUT, SIR,

THAT SPOT USED TO BE

MUCH OBSERVED BY TOURISTS,

AND IT BELONGS.

IF THIS STUFF WILL

TAKE OUT LIPSTICK,

IT OUGHT TO DO THIS.

HA HA HA!

WELL, LADY JESSICA?

UHHH...

GET SOME WATER,

SMELLING SALTS.

SOMEBODY:

DO SOMETHING!

WELL,

CUFFY WILLIAMS?

EDDIE.

YEAH?

YOU AWAKE?

NO.

IS IT MIDNIGHT YET?

I DON'T KNOW.

GO TO SLEEP,

WILL YOU?

AAH!

HEY! HEY! HE'S HERE!

HE'S HERE!

HE BIT ME!

HE BIT ME!

HE BIT ME!

HE BIT ME!

WHO BIT YOU?

WHAT BIT YOU? WHERE?

IT MUST HAVE BEEN

THAT BLOODSUCKER.

OH, PIPE DOWN.

YOU MUST HAVE:

BEEN DREAMING.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN

THE BLOODSUCKER!

LOOK AT THE TEETH

MARKS!

WHAT AM I,

YOUR MOTHER?

YOU'RE THE SERGEANT,

AIN'T YOU?

GET UP!

HEY, FELLAS,

LOOK-

THIS SWORD FELL DOWN

AND SCARED HIM.

WELL, BLESS HIS

LITTLE HEART.

OH.

OH, IT WAS-

IT WAS THE SWORD.

IMAGINE THAT.

DID THE BIG BAD GHOS FRIGHTEN THE LITTLE BUTTERCUP?

YEAH?

AW, FOR PETE'S SAKE,

TURN IT OFF, WILL YOU?

THERE ARE NO SUCH

THINGS AS GHOSTS.

WELL, SOMETHING MADE

THAT SPOT COME BACK.

THE CLEANING FLUID

DIDN'T TAKE, THAT'S ALL.

ALL I KNOW-

ALL RIGHT, KIDDIES,

NOW, BUNK IN

AND GO BEDDY BYE-BYE.

ONE.

TWO.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY

DRAGGING ASH CANS AROUND.

NO. IT'S CHAINS.

SHH!

OOH...

OH...

THAT AIN' NO ASH CAN.

YEE AH YEE!

YA HA HA HA HA HA!

AH HA HA!

YA HA HA HA HA!

HEY, GRANDPA,

YOUR SHIRTTAIL'S

HANGING OUT.

YEAH, SCRAM,

DRIBBLE-PUSS.

BOO!

GO BACK:

IN YOUR HOLE!

YEAH, GO ON!

GET OUT OF HERE!

TAKE WARNING!

GET OUT OF HERE!

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