The Canterville Ghost Page #3

DUCK, FELLOWS!

DID-DID YOU ALL SEE WHAT I SAW?

THE BULLETS WENT RIGHT THROUGH HIM.

WHAT ABOU THAT ROPE?

YEAH. YOU SAW IT, SARGE.

YEAH.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT,

BUT I SAW IT.

LET'S FACE IT, SARGE.

THAT WAS A REAL GHOST.

WHAT DID I:

TELL YOU?

HOW ABOUT THAT BLOOD SPOT AND THE KID?

I TOLD YOU SO.

DIDN'T I, EDDIE?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE

HOLLERED AT HIM LIKE THAT.

THAT'S NO WAY TO

TREAT A GHOST.

IT CHASED HIM AWAY,

DIDN'T IT?

WHAT IF:

HE COMES BACK?

HE MIGHT COME BACK

AT THAT.

HEY, FELLAS,

LISTEN.

YA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

YOO...

A GHOST!

MMM!

PFFT!

YOO...

AWAY!

OOH! OOH!

OOH!

I- I SAID AWAY!

BOO!

AH!

BOO!

AH! AAH!

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

OH! MY TOE!

HA HA HA HA HA!

OH!

OH!

HE WAS LOOKING:

FOR A KINSMAN,

AND, BOY,

DID HE FIND ONE!

OH!

SERGEANT, WE WON'T BE DOING

ANYTHING STRENUOUS TODAY, WILL WE?

DOING IT WITH:

PHANTOMS YET!

I'M TIREDER THAN

A SHARECROPPER'S MULE.

CUT THE GROUSING,

FELLAS.

HERE COMES THE LOOEY.

ATTENTION!

AT EASE.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

WE'RE NOW OFFICIALLY ATTACHED

TO A UNIT OF THE BRITISH COMMANDOS.

SO WE'RE GONNA

CELEBRATE BY:

STARTING RIGHT OUT ON OUR

10-HOUR ENDURANCE HIKE.

FORCED MARCHING RATE

FOR EIGHT HOURS.

DOUBLE TIME:

THE LAST TWO.

OHH...

WHAT'S THE MATTER

WITH THE MEN, SERGEANT?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, SIR, I'M AFRAID

THEY DIDN'T EXACTLY

SLEEP SO WELL LAST NIGHT.

REALLY?

WHY NOT?

WELL, MAYBE

IT WAS, UH...

YOU KNOW:

HOW IT IS:

WHEN YOU SLEEP:

IN A NEW PLACE.

HMM.

OHH...

WALTERS!

IS THAT WHA KEPT YOU UP?

OH, NO, SIR.

WHAT KEPT ME UP:

WAS SEEING THE GHOST.

WASN'T IT,

EDDIE?

THAT'S RIGHT-

I MEAN,

YES, SIR.

YOU, UH...

ALL SAW A GHOST?

YES, SIR.

YES, SIR.

YES, SIR.

YOU SHOULD HAVE:

BEEN THERE, SIR.

FIRST HE:

HUNG HIMSELF.

THEN HE CAME BACK AND HELD

HIS HEAD OUT JUST LIKE THIS.

BY THE HAIR!

ISN'T THAT TOO,

TOO DREADFUL?

YES, SIR.

BIG, HUSKY,

MAN-EATING RANGERS.

BEST PLATOON:

IN THE OUTFIT.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA

DO WHEN YOU SEE NAZIS?

BUT NAZIS ARE:

TANGIBLE, SIR.

I'LL SAY THEY ARE. WE

CAN TANGLE WITH THEM, SIR.

SUPPOSE YOU TANGLE WITH ME FIRST.

LET'S GET IT STRAIGHT THIS TIME.

WHAT KEPT YOU UP

LAST NIGHT,

A CRAP GAME?

NO, SIR! NO!

IT BEGAN WITH AN

ECTOPLASMIC MANIFESTATION.

IT BEGAN:

WITH A WHAT?

AN ECTOPLASMIC:

MANIFESTATION.

SERGEANT!

WHAT REALLY KEPT THEM UP LAST NIGHT?

WELL?

IT WAS THE GHOST,

SIR.

ALL RIGHT, SERGEANT.

I GUARANTEE THE MEN WILL SLEEP TONIGHT.

FORM THE PLATOON.

YES, SIR.

FALL IN!

DRESS:

RIGHT DRESS!

STRAIGHTEN UP THERE!

READY... FRONT!

SIR, THE PLATOON

IS FORMED.

WILLIAMS, I SUPPOSE

YOU GOT THAT LIMP

FROM BEING CHASED

BY THE GHOST?

NO, SIR. I WAS

CHASING HIM.

BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I CAN WALK.

YOU CAN WALK YOURSELF

RIGHT BACK INTO THAT CASTLE

AND SPEND THE NEXT 10 HOURS

CLEANING IT OUT.

YES, SIR.

WHILE YOU'RE ABOUT IT, WILLIAMS,

CLEAN OUT OUR LITTLE SPOOK, TOO.

YES, SIR.

RIGHT FACE!

CLOSE MARCH!

HELLO THERE, LADY.

OH, IT'S YOU.

WELL, WHO DID YOU

THINK IT WAS?

OH, I-

NO ONE.

I- I WAS JUST GOING

INTO THE PANTRY.

YEAH? THEN WHY DID YOU TAKE

THAT GREAT CIRCLE ROUTE?

AUNTIE THOUGHT THE MESS

SERGEANT MIGHT LIKE SOME ONIONS.

AND I'M A BROWNIE.

WE RAISE ONIONS:

AND BRUSSELS SPROUTS,

LIKE THE GIRL GUIDES DO.

OH, COME NOW.

IT WAS THE GHOST THA SCARED YOU, WASN'T IT?

I...

WHAT IF IT WERE?

BUT THAT'S SILLY.

THE OLD BOY CALLED ON US LAST NIGHT,

AND WE CHASED HIM RIGHT UP THE CHIMNEY.

OH, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU THINK:

I'M KIDDING, UH?

WELL, WE'LL ASK OLD

FOXY GRANDPA HIMSELF.

THAT-THAT WON' BE NECESSARY.

YOU STAY RIGHT HERE.

UH-HUH. PLAYING POSSUM.

HEY, GRANDPA,

OPEN UP!

WELL...

A- CALLING WE WILL GO,

MY LADY,

TO BEARD THE LION

IN HIS DEN.

OH, NO, PLEASE. AUNTIE'S

EXPECTING ME HOME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO

BE AFRAID OF HIM.

YOU ONLY THINK:

YOU DO.

NOW YOU JUST PRETEND

THAT YOU'RE NOT AFRAID,

AND YOU WON'T BE.

THAT'S ALL

THERE IS TO IT.

ARE YOU SURE?

I'LL PROVE I TO YOU.

COME ON.

HEY!

GHOST, WHERE

YOU HIDING?

THAT MUST BE WHERE

HE WAS WALLED UP.

AH...

WHERE THE DARK DEED

WAS DONE.

HERE, HOLD THIS.

HEY, THIS ONE'S LOOSE.

I'LL JUST PRY IT OUT,

THEN WE...

HELLO.

MUST YOU INVADE:

EVEN MY TOMB?

WILL THERE BE NO PLACE

I CAN CALL SANCTUARY?

RELAX, GRANDPA.

THIS IS JUST A LITTLE SOCIAL CALL.

THERE'S SOMEONE HERE I WANT YOU TO MEET.

I HAVE ALREADY ME YOUR COLONIAL RUFFIANS.

TAKE IT EASY,

GRANDPA.

NOBODY'S GOING TO

HURT YOU.

HEY! DON' FADE OUT ON ME.

I WANT YOU TO MEE LADY JESSICA.

SIR SIMON THE GHOST.

MILADY.

HOW DO YOU DO?

NOT TOO WELL.

THANK YOU.

BLESS YOU.

THANK YOU.

ATTAGIRL!

SHE'S BEEN SCARED STIFF

OF YOU ALL HER LIFE.

I JUST WANTED:

TO PROVE TO HER:

THAT YOU WOULDN' HURT A FLEA.

SIR, MY RECORD

SPEAKS FOR ITSELF-

AN UNBROKEN REIGN OF

TERROR FOR 300 YEARS.

WELL, RECORD

OR NO RECORD,

AS LONG AS HER:

LADYSHIP'S AROUND,

YOU'VE GOT TO

BEHAVE YOURSELF.

IT IS ABSURD, ASKING

ME TO BEHAVE MYSELF,

QUITE ABSURD.

I MUST RATTLE MY CHAINS

AND GROAN THROUGH KEYHOLES.

I MUST GIBBER FROM

THE ORIEL WINDOW

ON THE FIRST AND THIRD

WEDNESDAYS IN EVERY MONTH.

IT IS MY SOLEMN DUTY

TO WALK THESE HALLS.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

YOU'D BETTER GET YOURSELF ANOTHER

CASTLE FOR THE DURATION, BROTHER.

BUT CUFFY, HE CAN'T.

HE'S THE FAMILY GHOST.

AMERICANS, CHILD.

WHAT CAN A PEOPLE WITHOU ANCESTORS KNOW ABOUT GHOSTS?

NOW, WAI A MINUTE.

I TAKE IT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD

OF THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN

OR RED GRANGE,

THE GALLOPING GHOST.

PROVINCIAL STUFF.

SPIRITS WITH NEITHER CREST NOR TITLE.

OH, WE HAVE

TITLES, TOO-

PRINCE MIKE ROMANOFF,

COUNT BASIE,

DUKE ELLINGTON.

YOU DON'T SAY SO.

MM-HMM.

NOBILITY IN A DEMOCRACY. BALDERDASH.

BUT, MR. GHOST-

I MEAN, SIR SIMON-

WE'VE HAD DEMOCRACY

HERE IN ENGLAND:

EVER SINCE:

THE MAGNA CARTA,

BUT I HAVE NEVER CHOSEN TO RECOGNIZE IT.

BUT YOU SHOULD,

SIR SIMON.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING

THIS WAR ABOUT,

MY AUNTIE SAYS.

THAT'S THE STUFF,

MY LADY!

YOU SEE? YOU'RE

NOT SCARED A BIT.

OH...

NOW THAT YOU TWO

CANTERVILLES ARE ACQUAINTED,

YOU MUST HAVE A LOT OF

FAMILY MATTERS TO GAB ABOUT,

SO, UH, I'LL GET ON

WITH MY CLEANING.

YOU, UH, SURE

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?

YES. THANK YOU.

UNLESS YOU'D RATHER

BE ALONE.

OH, NO, NO.

PLEASE,

PRAY SIT DOWN.

I'VE FORGOTTEN

MY MANNERS.

WELL, IF I MAY SAY SO,

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE

MORE POLITE TO CUFFY JUST NOW.

AFTER WHAT HE AND HIS BAND

OF HOOLIGANS DID TO ME?

I MAY HAVE VERY LITTLE ELSE,

BUT I STILL HAVE MY PRIDE.

MAYBE THEY WOULDN' HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO YOU

IF YOU HADN' FRIGHTENED THEM.

WHAT ELSE IS THERE

FOR ME TO DO?

I AM A GHOST. I MUST FRIGHTEN PEOPLE.

AND I HAVE A REPUTATION

TO UPHOLD.

THE MOST FEARSOME PHANTOM

IN ALL ENGLAND CANNOT-

BUT CUFFY TOLD ME THAT THEY CHASED

YOU UP THE CHIMNEY LAST NIGHT.

THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE

THOSE HOOLIGANS HAD...

LADY JESSICA...

I CANNOT PRETEND

ANY LONGER.

SINCE LAST NIGHT,

IT IS I:

WHO AM FRIGHTENED,

I WHO TREMBLE A THE SLIGHTEST NOISE.

POOR, POOR GHOST.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A GHOST,

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