The Carer

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(FREDDY)

Oh, shut up, Dolly, get on with it.

(DOLLY)

Don't talk to me like... okay.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Just as I said, don't step on my foot.

- Okay, darling. Okay.

- That's all I want...

Have you seen my black toe?

Well, how did you...

I didn't stand on it on my own, darling.

- One, two, three, four. Good.

- One, two, three, four.

- You're such a good teacher, darling.

- I know I am.

- And one, and two...

- Three. Now we go sideways.

- Yes, okay.

- And don't forget. And side.

What is going on?

Dorottya.

May I inquire what on earth is going on?

Well, good morning, Ms. Trudeau.

Freddy and Dolly were just

having an early morning dance,

and they weren't dressed warm enough,

you know, so I thought that...

- It is not your place, Dorottya.

- Mrs. Trudeau.

You should have notified

the night nurse.

I'll take over now...

Thank you.

Merciful God, I'm so bored.

Bored, bored.

- Why?

- Must one have a reason?

(HENRY)

It depends what you're bored with.

For one thing, you're the queen.

I'm glad you mentioned it.

You've been on a crusade.

You must have seen wonderful things,

things that I've only dreamed of.

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

And do you dream a lot,

Henry Plantagenet?

(HENRY)

Yes, I do. I hold the world in my hands.

Daddy, please, be reasonable.

For once.

That's a big dream.

(HENRY)

Yes. Tell me about Jerusalem.

Jerusalem.

Jerusalem was boring and very hot.

[MUTES TV]

Dimitri, Dimitri.

What have I done that I should

be treated so disrespectfully?

- Please stop being such an old ham.

- That it should come to this.

Hmm?

Hiring somebody to care about me.

Caring for you.

It's not the same thing.

We could never hope to pay

anyone to care about you.

Oh!

Thank you, Sophia. Always a kind word

for your dying father.

Just see her for a few minutes.

Talk to her, is that too much to ask?

- Is she a Muslim?

- Oh, don't start that again.

- Of course she's not a Muslim.

- The last one was a Muslim.

- No, she wasn't. She was Russian.

- She had a burka.

She didn't have a burka.

She had a cold.

- I'm still not interested.

- Daddy, please.

Oh! Bugger off!

And let me rest in peace.

[LAUGHTER]

You didn't say you were going

straight to the Oscars.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

- You must be Dorothy.

- Yes, Dorottya. Dorottya Horvat.

- I'm Sir Michael Gifford's chauffeur.

- Nice to meet you, hello.

Mmm...

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry, what was your name?

Joseph, miss... Joseph McGill.

And how long have you been

working for Sir Gifford, Joseph?

Over 40 years.

My father saw H. Lear in Belgrade.

He used to rave about it all the time.

- I was there, you know.

- No way.

- I was his dresser back then.

- [CHUCKLING] Amazing.

He was the life and soul of the company.

He'd be laughing and

joking in the wings,

and then go on stage and play tragedy.

If he had to cry in the part,

I'd be waiting there in the wings

with a glass of champagne,

to dab his eyes.

Piper Heidsieck, 2002.

That's the year at the moment.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Nowadays, I work mostly

for his daughter, Mrs. Morley.

- (DOROTTYA) Doing what?

- Driving.

I do the gardening.

Lovely garden.

- So you don't dress him anymore?

- Good God, no.

He hates that now.

Hates being dependent.

Quite right. I hate it, too.

Well, I'm told he is difficult.

No, no, miss, that's not right.

He's bloody impossible.

- [EXHALES] Wow.

- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

My God.

- Rather big, isn't it?

- Oh, yes. Let me help you.

No, no. No, no, no.

I tell you, it's a nightmare to keep up.

That's why I work in the garden.

And, um, Mrs. Morley?

What's she like?

She's her father's daughter.

Very strong willed.

She wants him to sell up

and move in with her.

But Sir Michael's lived

the whole of his life here.

The best years, anyway.

Oh, well.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Hello, Miss Horvat.

Dorottya, isn't it?

Unusual name. Though not if

you're Romanian, of course.

Hungarian, actually.

I am 100 percent Hungarian.

- Even if my name is Horvat.

- Yes, yes, of course.

Which in Hungarian means "Croat".

But I am Hungarian.

(SOPHIA) My mistake entirely.

This is Dr. Alastair Satterthwaite,

my father's doctor.

A pleasure to meet you.

And this is Milly Holcombe,

she manages the house.

Miss Horvat, I'm very sorry,

but it seems like you've come

all this way for no reason.

My father refuses

to have you as his carer.

I am very sorry.

I don't know what you mean.

Sir Gifford hasn't even met me.

You mean, "Sir Michael."

We don't say "Sir Gifford"

in this country.

I'm sorry.

Perhaps if we let Miss Horvat

stay for a few days...

(SOPHIA)

I don't think that's a good idea.

(ALASTAIR) It's a jolly good idea.

He might change his mind.

Just to spite you.

Joseph and I are perfectly capable of

looking after Michael. We really are.

Joseph hates doing it.

He said so himself.

And Sir Michael hates it, too.

You already know, I gather,

that Sir Michael suffers from

a rare type of Parkinson's disease.

- Yes.

- He has his good days, and,

well, less good ones.

For the time being, we can alleviate

the symptoms with medication,

but he soon might need to be

bathed, taken to the lavatory.

Wiped, if needs be.

Are you quite sure you're the kind

of person that could do that?

(DOROTTYA) Definitely, yes.

Unfortunately, I...

I have experience.

Before my father died, near the end,

I saw how much he was suffering

because he couldn't produce...

Stool?

Yes, the word is stool.

So sometimes I took him

into the lavatory,

and I put my finger into his, uh...

Rectum...

Rectum, yes, thank you.

To relieve him.

I didn't like doing it, but he was

my father, and he was in pain.

And that's what it's all about, right?

Helping and relieving.

Okay, well, I suppose

you can stay for a day or two.

Milly, will you take care

of Miss Horvat?

Make sure she's fed and...

Well, you know.

Is that okay with everyone?

Good.

So, what made them

change their minds, miss?

- I did.

- Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Excuse me, where is this one from?

Oh, Lord. BBC.

Some king or other.

Lots of kings. 1978.

- And that one up there?

- Troilus and Cressida.

Very good.

[CROAKING]

[GROANING]

Sh*t.

[GRUNTS] A-ha!

Got you, you little bastard.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[EXCLAIMING]

Yes. Okay, you're

going back in the pond.

Yes.

Sh*t.

[STRAINING]

Argh!

(SIR MICHAEL) Help!

Someone, come on!

Help me!

Hey! Someone f***ing help me!

Help me!

When you've quite finished gawping,

would you please be so kind as to get

me out of this suppurating rose bush?

I feel like Buster f***ing Keaton

on a bad day.

[BOTH STRUGGLING]

[SIGHING]

- Who the f*** are you?

- I am Dorottya.

I didn't ask your sodding name,

I asked who the f*** you are.

What are you doing in my garden?

I'm your new career.

- You're my "new career"?

- Yes.

Now, there's a depressing thought.

[FROGS CROAKING]

F***ing frogs!

I've spent a fortune on this

adventure park for them,

and the little buggers

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