The Carer Page #2

---

won't even go near the place.

Why do you think that is?

They just can't appreciate beauty.

What did you say your name was, again?

Dordogne? Torino? Burrito?

Dorottya.

You're a scrawny little thing.

I pulled you up, didn't I?

Not very pretty.

Actually... Well, I think...

You look like a girl

I used to fancy in nursery.

Which you look as

if you're still attending.

And don't say I look like someone.

I'm too famous to look like anyone else.

Other people look like me.

If they're lucky.

Oh! Oh.

I think I need to lie down.

I'm going to be sick.

Oh! No.

[VOMITING]

(MILLY) Michael.

Michael, you are all right?

What's happening?

Don't fuss, Milly. I'm all right.

Tickety boo, never better.

You are covered in rose petals.

- Oh, yes, yes, rose petals.

- Didn't you know?

This young lady and I just got married.

- Really?

- I'm sorry you haven't been introduced.

This is Lady Dordogne

Dorito Burrito Gifford.

And we're on our way

to consummate the union.

For God's sake.

Oh, Milly, please, don't upset yourself.

Just go back where you came

from and leave me alone.

Michael, this is the girl

you told Sophia...

"Take thy form from off my door!"

"You f***ing Raven, nevermore."

[SIGHS]

Silly cow.

Problem is, she adores me,

so I can't be too hard on her.

You did well, Tortilla.

Dorottya.

Whatever.

- Tell me who you are again.

- I am your career.

- Carer.

- "Carer."

- The word is pronounced "carer."

- Carer.

You haven't got a...

Oh, no, I don't smoke. And I don't

think that you should, either.

Who the f*** cares what you think?

I'm a dying man,

and it's traditional to give

a dying man a cigarette.

You'll find some over there.

In the Complete Works,

Shakespeare, page 1613.

Ah! Mmm.

[MOANS]

Now, you, too,

quickly pave the way to hell.

- Hello, miss.

- I'm so sorry. Hi.

How are you getting

along with Sir Michael?

I'm not. Milly will hardly

let me near him.

[CELL PHONE CHIMING]

I'll have a word.

Excuse me.

Hello.

[MAN SPEAKING IN HUNGARIAN]

(WANDA) A letter came for you.

Turn on your video.

[SPEAKING IN HUNGARIAN]

It's from the drama school.

What does it say?

[MAN SPEAKS IN HUNGARIAN]

"Dear Miss Dorottya Horvat."

"We are pleased to inform you,

that your application..."

You are in.

You've passed the first test.

- No way.

- Successful.

You have to ring some Ms. Henderson

to confirm your appointment

for the second round.

Don't forget to give them

your new address.

"Care of Sir Michael Gifford,"

they'll love that.

(MILLY) Dorottya!

Dorottya!

- She's over here.

- Where is "here"?

I have to go now. Bye.

Bye, Joseph.

Helping me in the garden.

We don't pay her to help you in

the garden. Tell her to come at once.

- (SIR MICHAEL) Go away!

- Michael, it's only Milly.

- Leave me alone!

- Michael, please.

- What's wrong?

- (SIR MICHAEL) I said, f*** off!

I think he had an accident.

- I'm coming in.

- Go away!

[GROANING]

- Oh, no.

- Yes, it stinks.

Stinkus, stinka, stinkum.

Did you...

Well, obviously I did.

- A number two?

- Of course it's a f***ing number two!

Is this how pee smells in Bulgaria?

Hungary.

F*** Hungary!

Oh! Just leave me alone!

(DOROTTYA) Of course I'm not

just gonna leave you alone.

[GROANING]

"What's in a name?"

"That which we call a rose by any

other name would smell as sweet."

[CHUCKLES]

"Speak the speech, I pray you,

as I pronounced it to you,"

trippingly on the tongue,

but if you mouth it,

as many of your players do,

"I had as lief the town-crier

spoke my lines."

"Be not too tame neither, but let

your own discretion be your tutor."

How the f*** do you do that?

When you can't even

speak proper English.

- I've been on the stage.

- Oh.

Now, just relax.

[EXHALES]

Oh, God.

(MILLY) No, I'm afraid, I think...

Probably, this is the

best thing to do then.

Okay.

No, I'll tell her. I'll tell her.

All right. Thank you very much. Bye-bye.

So...

The job is yours if you want it.

- Thank you.

- I mean it.

No, don't thank me.

It was Sophia's decision.

I hope you'll last.

I'll be okay.

So, after what's happened we'll have

to bring Michael's bed downstairs

and put it in the dining room.

And convert the scullery

into a bathroom.

Sir Michael's going to sleep

in the dining room?

Yep.

And you'll be next door.

It won't be as nice as it was upstairs,

but you'll have to stay

close to him day and night.

I'll arrange your pillows.

You should sleep.

Oh! So now you're gonna

tell me when to sleep?

I'm sorry I got that wrong.

I should sleep.

You were hired to give

a 24 hour service.

Exactly.

And the 25th hour is just starting.

[SIGHS]

Sweet dreams.

"To be or not to be."

[LAUGHING]

No, no.

To be or not to be.

That is...

(SIR MICHAEL) Dorottya!

That is the question.

Dorottya!

Do you know this?

This is why you called?

- Do you know it or not?

- Of course I do.

To Be or Not to Be.

Do you know, it was

all made by Hungarians.

Hungarian producer, Hungarian cameraman,

Hungarian set designer.

Even the man who wrote

the script was a Hungarian.

Hungarian my arse.

He was Polish.

Why do you always have to argue?

His name is Melchior Lengyel.

Which means Polish,

but he was Hungarian.

Of course. Who wasn't?

Anyway, anyway. Take a look at this.

Here is how it should be played.

He walks forward.

And he says, "To be..."

To be...

And here, he should take the long pause.

Everybody knows what's coming,

but he keeps them waiting for it.

And then the f***ing idiot

prompter comes out with...

"Or not to be."

[LAUGHS]

- Much funnier, don't you think?

- Mel Brooks did.

- What?

- That's exactly how his version goes.

Oh, well, then.

He is clearly as talented as I am.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[WHISTLING]

Where in the name of Poseidon's

barnacled backside have you been?

(DOROTTYA) I'm sorry.

I took the wrong bus.

I mean, I took the right bus

in the wrong direction.

The stupid bus stop is on

the wrong side of the road.

Got my cigarettes?

Ah!

- What the hell is this?

- Guess.

I also bought this.

You see, you can cry without champagne.

Something you've learned about yourself.

You've been talking to Joseph.

How it had to be Piper Heidsieck 2002.

Joseph talks rot.

2006 was perfectly adequate.

(SIR MICHAEL) I'm not interested.

- Try it.

- Don't want to.

It's so simple.

Look, all you have to do is press

this key here, and you can text.

And you don't even have to write

whole words. Understand?

- No.

- Oh yes, you do. Don't be such a baby.

- All you have to...

- Oh! Please don't start again.

Well, then do it.

Shan't.

I already put my number

into your memory, so...

What?

You can write something,

and text it to me immediately.

Come on, try.

Oh!

[CAT MEOWS]

[GROANS]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

The cat dug his claws into my balls.

- What was all that screaming?

- The cat.

But it didn't hurt him.

He's fine.

[SIGHS]

I just...

I just can't bear to think

about him in those nappies.

He'll be okay.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes