The Carer Page #3

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I promise.

When someone's as young as you,

there's nothing very complicated

about old age.

A person's just old, and that's that.

When you look at Michael,

you see a sad, old, incontinent man.

But when I...

When I look at him, I just see

all the Michaels I've ever known.

That's not true.

When I look at him, I see all

the glorious roles that he has played.

Well, you've certainly lasted a lot

longer than any of the others.

He must like you.

I make him laugh.

He says you're not stupid.

Which is the nicest thing he's said

about anyone in the last 25 years. [CHUCKLES]

I had Sophia on the phone.

I told her that.

Thank you.

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

You think the frogs smell

the presence of death?

Please stop talking about death.

- Why not?

- It's all I've got left.

That and shitting in my nappies.

I don't suppose there's any point in

asking you to help me to commit suicide?

Um, no.

You won't get into any trouble.

Oh, I've got it all worked out.

No.

Scared you'd lose your job?

Obviously. They wouldn't pay me

to push around an empty wheelchair.

I thought so.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

It is hard to have a conversation

with someone who knows what

I've got on under my trousers.

Think of it as a protection

from the cat's claws.

It's like doublet and hose.

[EXHALES]

You remember that actor from the movie?

He always looked like he was

wearing nappies, right?

- Jack Benny.

- Yeah.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

So, tell me.

Why are you really here?

I don't know what you mean.

I'm your carer.

Carer, my arse.

Career, more like it.

You say you're an actress.

Hmm...

"A rose by any other name

would smell as sweet."

Well, obviously you must

have played Juliet.

No, I haven't.

But I did play Hamlet.

What are you?

Another Sarah f***ing Bernhardt?

Well, I was much better than her.

Ooh! Oh!

[GIGGLES]

Modest with it.

I grew up in an experimental theater.

Ah! Suck it and see.

There was a director, the heart

and soul of the company.

He said, "Being an actor

is not something you do",

"it's something you are."

So I said to him, "Let me be Hamlet."

He was very ill by then and

far beyond worrying about critics.

So he let me be Hamlet.

They gave it rave reviews in the end,

but he didn't live to read them.

A merciful release, perhaps.

So, is that why you're here?

I don't know what you mean.

[SIGHS]

"Will you play upon this pipe?"

Recognize it?

Act Three, Scene Two.

But I don't know it in English.

Oh! Come on, Dorottya.

You're not gonna pass up

the chance to play Guildenstern

opposite to

Sir Michael Gifford's Hamlet?

"Will you play upon this pipe?"

"My Lord, I cannot."

"I pray you."

"Believe me, I cannot."

"I do beseech you."

"I know no touch of it, my Lord."

"'Tis as easy as lying.

"Govern the ventages

with your finger and thumb,"

"give it breath with your mouth,"

"and it will discourse

most eloquent music."

"But these cannot I command

to any utterance of harmony,."

"I do not have the skill."

No.

You have not the skill.

You have absolutely no chance

of making it on the stage here.

- (DOROTTYA) I can learn.

- You certainly need to.

- Then teach me.

- Out of the question.

- Why?

- You have to look up to your teacher.

But I do look up to you.

Of course. From below.

When you're washing my arse.

- Hello, Joseph.

- Hey.

- Will you take her around?

- You bet.

Where's Milly?

She's taking Dorottya

to the train station.

She's been telling me

how well you get on with her.

- I'm so pleased.

- With whom?

Miss Horvat.

Alastair also says she's

doing a first-class job.

I haven't the foggiest idea

who you're talking about.

Of course you do.

Joseph picked her out for you.

Which immediately made her far more

suitable than the ones I found.

Mmm... "Did I deserve

no more than a fool's head?"

"Is that my prize?"

Funny you should mention prizes.

I got a call this morning.

The Critics' Guild want to give you

a Lifetime Achievement Award.

About f***ing time.

What? They run out of pygmies?

TV stars and second-raters?

- Do I have to pay?

- Of course you don't.

I said that you'd be very honored,

and I would accept the award

on your behalf.

Mmm...

Just like your mother.

[CHUCKLES]

Not only my money,

you want my glory, too.

God. What a monster you've become.

Or were you just born that way?

I don't know.

You'd have to ask my mum.

And find Joseph, will you?

I need a word. [DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

(DOROTTYA) Do you think

they're all the same age?

(MILLY) I haven't the foggiest idea.

Or do you think there are old birds,

and young birds, and middle-aged birds,

and one day the oldest ones

just drop out of the sky, dead?

"There's a certain providence

in the fall of a sparrow."

"In the fall of a sparrow."

"If it be now, 'tis not to come.

"'Tis not to come."

"If it be not to come, it will be now."

"It will be now."

"If it be not now, yet it will come..."

"If it be not now..."

"The readiness is all."

"The readiness is all."

Don't tell me you've played Hamlet, too?

[LAUGHS] Don't be absurd.

I've seen Michael play

it so many hundreds

of times that some of it's gone in.

A bit like passive smoking.

You're a funny girl, Dorottya.

That's probably why he's

taken to you like he has.

[EXHALES] I don't think I was

ever really very funny.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Were you and him ever...

It was ages ago.

He didn't want to get a divorce,

I wanted to kill myself.

I didn't, of course.

People generally don't.

Some do.

Particularly the very young.

They're so impatient.

They're incapable of

waiting for anything.

Even death.

Drink up. You've got a train to catch.

- You wanted to see me, sir?

- Yes, Joseph.

Come in.

Close the door.

- You're looking a bit scruffy.

- I've been gardening, sir.

Oh! Yes, of course.

"Thrift, thrift, Horatio!"

- [CHUCKLES] Sit down.

- I...

Sit! Mmm!

- Tea? Do you like muffins?

- No, thank you, sir.

How long have we known

each other, Joseph?

Ooh! Well, over 40 years, sir.

We've always got along

pretty well, haven't we?

Yes, sir, I think so.

[CHUCKLES]

In fact, I think you might well

be my best friend, Joseph.

Thank you, sir. I'm...

I'm very touched.

- So why start lying to me now?

- I'm sorry, sir?

Sorry's not good enough, Joseph.

- This is betrayal.

- Sir Michael.

The girl, Joseph.

Don't piss about.

Well, I just thought

you'd both be well suited.

You must admit, she's perked you up.

And all that Shakespeare,

she speaks it, too.

So we speak the same language, yeah?

Yes, sir, that's about it.

Hmm...

I'll...

Joseph.

When you put manure around the roses,

does it make them grow?

- Oh! Yes, sir.

- But it smells, Joseph. Stinks.

- I dare say, sir.

- This Burrito business stinks.

Stinks of conspiracy to me.

Just like any play.

What's that?

Something you said to me once.

"Great dramatists and

great actors conspire"

to blow up complacency, corruption,

"pretension, all the vices of

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