The Carer Page #4

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our rich, sordid, jaded world."

"With humor, passion and, wherever

possible, a large dollop of sex."

- Did I really say that?

- I wrote it down.

Oh God. You must let me have a copy.

I haven't said anything

that good for years.

'Tis much he dares, and, to that

dauntless temper of his mind,

he hath a wisdom that doth guide

his valor to act in safety.

There is none but he

whose being I do fear,

and, under him My genius is rebuked,

as it is said Mark Antony's

was by Caesar.

He chid the sisters

when first they put

the name of king upon me.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- Much improvement since last time.

- Thank you.

(MAN) Next.

Dorottya Horvat.

[WHISPERS] You're next.

Good luck.

(MAN) How are you?

Good, thank you.

Jolly spiffing, tickety boo,

never better.

And you?

We're a bit tired, late in the day.

But I'm sure you'll

jolt us back to life.

Let's see, you're Hungarian,

you did some acting in Budapest,

and we liked you.

But we had some concern about

the level of your English.

I think my pronunciation has

improved a lot since then.

I'm not surprised.

It says here that you're being

tutored by Sir Michael Gifford.

See, I am actually not being...

I saw in the paper this morning.

Sir Michael's getting a Lifetime.

Achievement Award from

the Critics' Guild.

Do pass on our

congratulations, won't you?

Now, last time you did

Shakespeare pieces.

This time I'd like you to improvise.

Invent a character, and let

us see her secret thoughts.

That'll be easier in terms

of your accent as well.

Both for Shakespeare and for us.

[CHUCKLES]

Why don't you do someone with an accent?

Zsa Zsa Gabor, for example?

No.

Actually, I'll be

Professor Henrietta Higgins.

And what do you teach,

my dear professor?

Diction. And proper

English pronunciation.

(DOROTTYA)

For girls with strong accents.

I have no more questions then.

Two minutes, my dear Professor Higgins.

It's been a long day.

A little talent.

But so many who have no

idea of what it takes.

Look at this one, for example...

She says in her application

that she's an actress. [LAUGHS]

In Budapest or Bucharest?

What's the difference, anyway?

Have they even got a theater there?

Although, come to think of it,

that Molnar fellow,

he was a Hungarian, right?

The one who wrote that,

um, that Carousel.

Well, I was in that one, playing

that famous actress, Ilona.

I was pretty good in that.

Well, I was absolutely fantastic.

That Molnar fellow,

he could really write.

But who has ever heard

of a Hungarian actress?

Oh, yeah, Zsa Zsa Gabor, of course.

And Eva Gabor and Magda Gabor.

But that's one family.

Is that really it?

I mean, they're hardly

the bloody Redgraves. Right?

[CHUCKLES]

Dorottya!

Where's that bloody girl?

She's never here when I need her.

She went to visit her uncle.

You let her go.

Look.

Oh, it's sweet.

Remind you of anyone?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I'm glad you like her.

She's the first one you don't

seem to mind having around.

Milly.

Don't tell me you're jealous.

No, of course I'm not.

I just...

I don't exactly see what you see in her.

She has fire in her belly.

She reminds me of myself at that age.

A mixture of innocence,

hunger, and ruthlessness.

And me? What did you see in me?

Well, first of all,

your arse.

[LAUGHS]

And then, I would have sold

my soul to find out if your

breasts were pear or apple-shaped.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

And what were they?

Golden delicious.

Topped off with ripe strawberries.

Strawberries? Indeed.

Not anymore.

Very ripe.

When I saw you, I fell in love with you.

I know I did.

Straight off, just like that.

All my life I have been

hiding my feelings.

I just heard the news.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Got out of the habit of doing

anything real.

What does it feel like,

watching yourself?

Acutely depressing.

Like looking at a mirror that

reflects what you used to be.

A kind of inverted Dorian Gray.

They've asked for some clips

to be used at the ceremony.

What's that?

More nappies?

"That great baby you see there is not

yet out of his swaddling clouts."

"Happily he's the second time

come to them,"

"for they say an old man

is twice a child."

Actually, it's toilet paper.

Speaking my language, eh?

I don't know what you mean.

All that Shakespeare bollocks.

It's contagious.

Well, I certainly hope so.

Quite right.

And talking of toilet paper, would you

please be so kind as to make sure

the paper unrolls over the top of the

roller, and not from the bottom?

I don't know how many times

I have to tell you,

but you keep putting it the wrong way.

- I swear you've never mentioned it.

- I did, you know.

- No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did, Dorottya.

- No, you did not.

- I did.

- No, you didn't!

- I did, too, you Romanian b*tch!

Hungarian!

I'm Hungarian!

I know you're a f***ing Hungarian!

You keep f***ing telling me!

I keep f***ing telling you because

you keep f***ing forgetting!

Your English has come on

since you've been here.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

But you deserved it.

Very possibly.

But just do it my way.

All right?

No problem.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

(DOROTTYA)

So, will you go to the award thing?

Sophia thinks I shouldn't,

of course, but...

You know, comme ci,

comme ca, and all that.

Well, I think you should go.

I'd have to make a f***ing speech.

Making speeches is your strong suit.

It might be like

attending my own funeral.

I would love that.

Hear all those nice things that

people have to say about me.

You'd be lucky.

I rang The Times once

and asked to see my obituary.

The buggers refused.

They never reveal anything

prior to publication.

You see? That's exactly

why you should go.

Otherwise it will be too late.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Hmm...

[MOUTHING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Dorottya!

[MUSIC STOPS]

(DOROTTYA) It will do you good to

get out of your gilded cage for once.

Quite right.

I don't suppose Milly will like it.

Who the f*** cares?

She doesn't need to know.

Today is market day.

She won't be back till the afternoon.

You know, maybe I oughtn't

to be seen in a wheelchair.

[SIGHS]

Just wait a second.

- (MAN) Good afternoon.

- Afternoon.

- Good afternoon.

- Afternoon.

Oh! Piss off!

I'm perfectly capable of sitting

at a table alone, thank you.

[SIGHS]

[MAN CHUCKLES]

- Sir Michael.

- George.

You're looking well.

Jolly spiffing, tickety

boo, never better.

Thank you.

You don't know how much people miss you.

You were our main attraction,

if you don't mind me saying so.

Perhaps I should charge

appearance money.

- Are you keeping busy, sir?

- Oh! Don't ask.

I've taken on a new secretary.

Name's Tortilla.

She's Bulgarian.

So what's it to be, sir? The usual?

Yes, please, George.

[GLASS TINKLING]

Oh, uh...

I don't make the law, Sir Michael.

I just have to obey it.

Understood.

Understood.

C*nt.

Hmm?

Kant. Immanuel Kant.

Famous outdoor smoker and philosopher.

Keep the change.

Oh, thank you, miss.

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