The Caretaker

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Birdie?

Birdie?

Birdie?

You all right?

Birdie?

Get out of my house.

Hello?

What?

I'm going to birdie's.

Her caretaker's abandoned her.

You've never cared before.

Well, she's old,

and she needs my help.

She's not taking her medication,

and she told the doctor

that I'm her cure.

Look, Mal, I understand.

Hold on one second.

August hill.

I saw an open vacancy at that

nursing home that we passed.

Birdie in a home?

She's not gonna go for that.

I can only lead the horse

to water.

Every six hours.

And she's almost out of tanks.

Birdie's got the script.

She asked me to give you this.

Um, sorry.

Dr. Frances,

we can't take care of her.

Her malady has more will

than her judgment.

She needs haloperidol.

And if not, relapse is certain.

You do remember

what happened last time.

Good night, Mallorie.

Please don't leave.

Good night.

Doc...

what in the world is that?

I strongly dislike clowns.

That's her.

- You need help?

- No, no, no.

You stay here because

she'll flip if she sees you.

She's gonna see me eventually.

Because we're gonna hire

a caretaker tomorrow,

and we're gonna

get the hell out of here.

Lionel?

It's me, Mallorie.

Hello, darling.

I told him these tanks are

too small for a woman my age.

Who? Gilberto?

Before that, Luis,

who was fired?

He was always into my forks.

And before the fork thief?

Eleanor?

Always into my business.

And Sammy?

Perv.

Darling.

It's good to see you.

Good to see you.

I'm gonna hire a caretaker

tomorrow.

No! No more help, darling.

Just you.

After all, death should not be

a private affair.

Families stay together.

You're not gonna die.

I'm having a guest over.

Of the dead kind.

I'm so glad you came.

Baby!

Let's make some babies?

I like this bed.

- Let's get started.

- I'm sorry.

- No.

- What?

You have to sleep on the couch.

Babe, what do you mean? No.

You know birdie

when she's not on her medicine.

- It's dusty.

- She's gonna freak out.

It's not long enough either.

I'm telling you.

No, babe, it's creepy out there,

and it smells.

- I'm sorry.

- No. Baby...

- Good night, August.

- No. I love you. Baby...

- Good night.

- Can I touch you?

What's birdie's Wifi password?

I see you received Scarlett?

Scarlett?

Yes, we buried her

when you were four years old.

Why'd we bury her?

I don't know. Everybody buries

something from their past.

It's human nature, I guess.

I don't really remember much

before mom left.

I always wanted to learn

how to sew.

Why did you stop?

Birdie...

Birdie, let it go.

Birdie...

Birdie, let go.

You're gonna cut yourself.

Why don't you

take Scarlett with you?

Why are you doing this?

Mal.

August too.

August too.

August too.

Mal.

Mal?

Like I was saying earlier,

she keeps muttering my name

when she's sleepwalking,

and it's been worrying me.

Vocalizing dreams is

very common for sleepwalkers.

- It's probably harmless.

- Probably?

Doc, it's becoming

more and more frequent.

Look at these pictures.

August, if what you've

told me is correct,

and Mallorie's current pattern

continues to escalate,

a few things could happen.

She could say that she's

starting to see things.

She could blame her bouts

on her surroundings.

Does she ever talk about

wanting to move?

Wanting to move?

No, never.

She just moved in with me

four months ago.

Is there a pattern

of instability in her family?

Well, her mother left her

when she was real young,

and her grandmother

took care of her.

But her grandmother's old.

I've only met her once.

But I promise, doc, things are

amazing between her and I.

Everything besides

the sleepwalking.

Why don't you just hire someone?

Because she hates people.

Well, some things never change.

Yup.

She's crazy.

Let's get crazy tonight.

Yeah, sure, if I can

get birdie to sleep

or take her medicine

or hire a caretaker.

Penny? Hey, love, it's me.

Who do you know in classifieds?

- No, no, no, no.

- Ha-ha, too late, transferring.

Hi. I wish to take out an ad.

Yes. "Caretaker.

Please call for appointment.

Watch Movies and Series!

Bye. See ya later.

Do not enter closed doors.

Refrain from lustful relations.

Define "lustful relations."

I'm sure our definitions

are quite different, birdie.

Would you accept

an uninvited into your home?

- Uninvited?

- Birdie.

- Love.

- Look at you.

What are you doing?

Okay, um, go upstairs, okay?

I'll meet you there in a minute.

How long has she been down here?

Does she use a mirror

when she puts on her lipstick?

What were you talking about?

The rules of death.

What the hell?

- Hang on. I'll be back.

- Where you going?

Babe?

You gonna crush that up?

Wait.

I've been waiting for an excuse

to use this thing.

Look at this.

Really? Gonna use that thing?

Watch this.

This is old school.

Boom.

Put this here, flip it over.

One, two, tres.

Like so.

Bada-bing.

Bada...

There you go.

Good luck.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Where were you today?

I missed you.

Lunch with Taylor.

Do you remember her?

Who could forget a queer?

I always wanted better for you.

Sh*t! Birdie, I'm so sorry.

Sh*t. I'm so sorry.

I'll be right back.

Sh*t.

- You okay, babe?

- Yeah, no, no, no, I...

What?

Hey, birdie.

You broke a rule.

Now it's just a matter of time

who will die first.

Me...

Or you.

Excuse me, birdie?

- Babe, you okay?

- Yeah, yeah.

- You sure?

- Yeah, yeah. I got it.

I'm so sorry. Did I burn you?

Did it go right through?

I'm sorry.

Did it really get you?

I'll make you another one, okay?

All right.

This might call up the devil.

"Awakening spirits."

Which one?

Ooh.

"Being touched by the hands of

a spirit

and seeing images of ghosts

during sances were common,

as were tables vibrating,

shifting and moving."

No ink. Figures.

Hey, birdie.

Where's Mallorie?

I think she's Internet shopping

on her phone.

My mind must be clear.

I'm leaving you for good.

No. You and the child

are staying with me.

She belongs here.

She loves me.

She loves me more than

you and he ever did.

She's gonna be the daughter

you never were.

Goodbye, mother.

I call bullshit on skydiving.

B.S. On being

related to Diane Keaton.

Okay, so you guys think

it's true that I actually

skinny-dipped

with Zach Galifianakis.

- Hell yeah.

- Yes.

Damn it.

Gosh.

Chug, chug, chug, chug.

Okay. Me?

Okay.

Um, my mom Eva

was murdered by a late-night

intruder when I was four.

I can speak

two different languages.

And I once saw a circus clown

smiling at me

from just over there.

Where I'm sleeping?

That's bullshit, I hope,

but I'm not sleeping there.

Bullshit on the languages

and your mom.

No, um, my mom wasn't murdered,

but she did walk out on me

when I was four,

so either way, she's dead to me.

Excuse me, Taylor long-legs.

Thank you.

Hey, baby.

Nice curly hair, babe.

No.

Unless you're part of

the insane clown posse crew,

putting paint on your face

is a no-no for any man.

- Mal.

- No.

- Yes, yes.

- No, no, no.

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