The Case of the Mukkinese Battle Horn

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London.

Yes, London.

Who can fail to recognize

the city's great landmarks?

Here, in Trafalgar Square, for

instance, there is Nelson's Column.

And even in the worst fog,

you cannot miss Nelson's Column.

You see? There's someone

not missing it now!

But there is one famous London

landmark which anyone could miss.

tucked away in a little side turning.

Recognize it?

Scotland Yard.

Scotland Yard is the

headquarters of the CID:

The Criminal Investigation

Department of the London Police.

Let us take a look at the

world-famous CID at work

through the medium of

a true real-life case,

a factual documentary record straight

from the files of Scotland Yard.

Yes, the case of the Mukkinese Battle-Horn.

The theft was not discovered

until the following morning.

Get me Scotland Yard.

Within minutes of the report of the

burglary, the CID was on the scene

in the person of the Yard's Ace

Detective, Superintendent Quilt.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Constable.

Where's the body?

Body, sir? Oh there's no body here.

You mean... we're alone?

Wasting no time, Superintendent Quilt

and Sergeant Brown began

a thorough search for clues.

Look, sir! An impression of a heel!

Very clever, Brown. But we haven't

time for your impressions now.

Thank you, sir.

I say, you there,

are you the body?

- No, are you?

Oh, no. I'm Superintendent

Quilt of Scotland Yard.

Delighted to meet you. My name's

Noddule, I'm a curator here.

- How do you do?

- Ha, ha, how do you do?

- Give me my glove, will you?

- Certainly, of course.

Hello?

Hello? I thought we just met.

What have we got over here?

What's all this about, eh?

That? Oh, we had a robbery last night.

A robbery... Anything stolen?

Metropolitan Museum,

Mukkinese Battle-Horn,

ninth century, copper

inlaid with ruby enamel.

You've been swindled, old man.

- What?

- Yes. This is an ordinary house brick.

I know. The Mukkinese

Battle-Horn has been stolen.

- What?

- Aaaaah!

I must warn you that

anything that you say

will be taken down and used

in evidence against you.

Sergeant Brown?

- Yes, sir?

- Make a note of that.

- Right, sir.

- Have you got all that?

- No, sir! - Good.

You know, Noddule, it strikes

me as very, very fishy

why the thief chose this

Mukkinese Battle-Horn thing

when there were all these other rare

and valuable items lying around.

Really?

Mm-hmm. Such as those

golden slave bangles.

- By Jove, you're right!

- Yes...

He could have easily whipped one

of those Chinese jade ornaments.

Or even this.

This priceless Grecian vase...

Botheration! Cleggett!

Nip round to Woolworth's

and get me another one of those

priceless Grecian vases, will you?

- Mister Noddule?

- Yes?

Can you give me a full description

of this Mukkinese Battle-Horn?

Description? I can do

better than that. Cleggett!

Yes?

Bring in the other

Mukkinese Battle-Horn.

- The other?

- Yes. This one was one of a pair.

Supposed to be the only

identical pair in existence.

Come now then, Noddule!

Do you take me for a raving idiot?

Well I...

I beg your pardon. I'm an officer

of the Police Force and I...

Aagh!

So, um...this is it, is it?

Yes. This is it.

It sort of looks like a trumpet, sir.

With a little more plumbing, of course.

Look, um, tell me one thing.

- Yes?

- What are these holes?

Oh I'm glad you mentioned those.

They are for changing

the pitch of the note.

I see.

Now this one here,

this one here is for D-Sharp...

That's rather ingenious.

Yes, yes, yes. And that

one there is for A-Flat.

- Terribly stunning.

- Yes.

Wait. What's this hole here for?

Used razor blades.

Mister Noddule, you're

trying to be funny, sir.

Aren't we all?

Soon the various experts from the

CID began appearing on the scene.

At eleven ten, the police

photographers arrived,

photographed the police,

and hurried away again.

At eleven thirty, Quilt

began his interrogation

of witnesses and possible suspects.

Send in the night watchman, J. Smith.

Yes sir. Call J. Smith!

Hellooo!

Ooooh.

Fine, fine, fine fine.

Everything's going to be fine..."

Oh, here, what're you doing? Lemme go!

Lemme go, now! Take your feet off me!

- Are you J. Smith?

- Nope, nope.

- He's not J. Smith, Brown.

- He's not J. Smith Brown!

- That's not Brown!

- That's not Brown.

Where were you on the

night of the throventeenth?

I was at the pictures.

I was at the pictures!

BANG! A car went bang, bang, bang,

wit-tidda-dum, dayday, fine.

What about the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?

What about the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?

It's been stolen!

Oooh. It's been stolen.

Constable, get this idiot out of here!

- Get this idiot out of here!

- Next witness please.

I won't stand for it! I'll show you!

Next please, Constable.

Yes sir. Next witness!

This is mister Crimpe,

the janitor, sir.

Mister Crimpe, would you

like to tell us your story?

Yes, sir. Well, I was proceeding

in an orderly manner

towards the main gate last night

in order to lock up...

Mm-hmm...

When suddenly, somebody jumps out

and wallops me on me 'ead.

Yes sir. Wallop, wallop,

wallop, on me 'ead.

I turns 'round, and wallop,

wallop, wallop again!

Incredible.

Down I goes I goes and wallop,

wallop, wallop on me 'ead again!

Then, just as I start to get up,

wallop, wallop, wallop...!

- On your head?

- Yes sir. Wallop...

- Wallop?

- Wallop.

Tell me, mister Crimpe, did you notice

anything peculiar about these men?

- Yes, sir.

- What?

They kept on wallopin' me on me 'ead.

Is there anything else?

Yes, sir.

Could I have an aspirin?

Constable, look after

mister Crimpe, would you?

Thank you very much, sir.

The next witness!

Wallop, very good is it?

The next witness is waiting, sir.

Now then, sir.

Where were you on the night

of the throventeenth?

Don't you remember?

- Have you got all that down, Brown?

- Yes, sir!

Well, rub it out again, would you?

Superintendant Quilt

hurried back to Scotland Yard

and within minutes of his arrival,

the well-oiled machinery

of the CID sprang into action.

Calling patrol car eleven D,

calling car eleven D! Urgent.

Turn left into Oxford Street

and head west,

turn left into Oxford Street

and head west.

Calling car five K, car five K,

turn right into Oxford Street

and head due east,

turn right into Oxford...

Calling ambulance one-seven,

calling ambulance one-seven...

The search continued. During the

afternoon, several arrests were made.

With nightfall, the weather

took a turn for the worse.

But, even in the darkest, foggiest street,

London's indomitable

police searched on,

stopping late wayfarers and

ruthlessly questioning them.

- Hey! Hey, you two!

- Uh, yes?

Can you tell me the way

back to the police station?

- It's just over there.

- Thank you.

Darling, how romantic!

We must be near the river.

By noon the following day, vast amounts

of vital evidence were pouring in.

It's a letter, sir.

- Good work, Brown.

- Thank you sir.

Now let's see what this

letter's all about, shall we?

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