The Children

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Stop bothering Paulie, Miranda.

I'm teaching him

the "happy new year. "

He has to learn it

before tomorrow night.

- Look look, there it is. I win.

- Yay! Hooray!

You were in the way.

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You can be the winner.

Why can't we live in a house

like Auntie Chloe's?

If you put your mind to it,

you can have anything you want.

Yay!

Miranda!

- Auntie Chloe!

- Hey, Miranda!

Hi!

Come on, Paulie.

Come on.

- Heaven.

- Heaven would be exact.

Hey, amigo.

"Happy New Year" in Chinese.

Not bad, eh?

You're learning

Chinese then?

- Yeah.

- Cool.

I should have never

given this away.

- Hey, Lainey.

- Hey, Robbie.

You are looking

gorgeous.

- I look like crap, thanks.

- No, you do.

All the cousins get to

sleep in the same room.

Hi, Jonah.

Hey. Whoops.

Casey!

Casey, I want to have Christmas

again tomorrow.

I think you want to be

a glove puppet.

- Argh!

- Get off, Dad.

Hey, Casey.

Look at you, all grown up.

Hi, Uncle Robbie.

Feel free to lose

the "uncle. "

Come on, let's get

this party started!

Say hello

to your Auntie Chloe.

- Say hello, sweet pea.

- We're gonna have a lovely time.

- Who wants some Christmas presents?

- Me me me!

Who thinks it's gonna be

the best New Year ever?

Yay!

Look at Leah running around

and everything.

I know.

Isn't it amazing?

I've almost got her

off the inhaler.

That's fantastic.

Isn't this great?

The kids are nearly

as excited as we are.

Come here, little sis.

Ohh-hh.

Hey, Casey.

Hi.

Case.

Don't spoil

the weekend, okay?

There'll be

other parties.

It wasn't

just a party.

You know I can't go.

'Cause you're married

to a knob?

It's two days, okay?

You lot get your way

for the rest of the year.

Maybe I'm allowed

just a few hours.

You know how much we were

looking forward to it.

Pretty please,

mouse.

Don't call me that.

Please.

Paulie, it's okay.

It's okay.

- Oh, sweet pea.

- Mommy.

- Ugh.

- You're carsick.

It's okay.

It's okay, darling.

And help out Paulie

this weekend, okay?

Did you ever hear

of contraception?

No, really, Mom was

in great form at Christmas.

Yeah, she was,

euphemistically speaking.

Did they ban her

from another pub?

You want to go

get your presents?

Sorry, Casey got

the Christmas presents.

Did you know Mom actually

called here

at 11:
00 at night and she wanted

to speak to the kids and I...

- Mommy, Mommy!

- Hey.

I'm sorry,

I can't invite her.

She just messes with

their routine too much.

Do you know what I mean?

Hey, sweetheart.

Is that makeup?

We had a real

"Waste of Space" Christmas.

Once we got the kids

off to bed,

I made a special punch and we had

a naked snowball fight.

You should see the photos.

They're great.

A bit different from ours.

Granny fell off the toilet.

Mommy.

Mommy.

- Oh, sweet pea.

- It's all right.

It's his latest trick.

Anyone would think he likes the attent...

Oh, Jonah.

You know he doesn't like

that rough stuff.

Come here, darling.

Not like his mom then.

Okay.

That's classic.

I swear I had to grovel to the head

and all of Casey's teachers.

It was terrifying.

I think a little bit of wee

might have escaped.

You should have just

offered them all B.J.s.

I didn't want to get the cane

for speaking with my mouth full.

What's B.J. s?

Big-belly jimjams.

Oh, yes yes.

Leah.

Hey, did you ever read

the article I sent you

about MMR jobs?

Are you going

to brush your teeth?

Come on.

Hey, Leah, Nicky.

Having a nice time

with your cousins?

Bedtime.

I love you.

Paulie. What happened with that

web design plan?

- Jinxie, come on, Jinxie.

- That was a complete waste of time.

It was a bunch of techno stoners

playing SimCity all day.

Actually, I've got

a much better idea.

- I met these guys recently...

- I can't get reception here.

Oh, there's a spot outside.

I'll show you.

Or you could use

a landline.

Casey's not supposed

to be speaking

to anybody.

Daddy's grounded her.

Grounded?

Sounds exciting.

Mom's trying to build up

Jonah's confidence,

so we try not to listen to him.

Psst.

Casey's drinking whisky.

Now this is heaven.

Oh, did you tell Elaine that we're

going to home-school the kids?

Wow. Are you qualified?

No, I mean, the school's

not that far away, right?

No, but I mean,

it just makes sense.

You know, since we

sold the business,

- we have the time.

- Jinxie, Jinxie.

And they're like sponges

at that age, you know?

I really just want to give

them the chance before...

I think that's a really

good idea, actually,

'cause I'm trying to teach Miranda

Mandarin now... Chinese.

I mean, how many schools

are doing that? None.

Why? Certainly none

in Hackney. It's crazy.

If you look at the state

of the global economy...

Is this another cult thing?

We're not gonna start chanting?

I look really fat in cowls.

Hey, baby.

What is it, baby?

Come here, sweetheart.

What's the matter?

Paulie's scaring me.

Well, sweetheart,

hey, it's just Paulie.

You told me you loved him

this morning.

Okay?

It's all right.

Miranda, why don't you

take Leah upstairs?

No.

Come on, darling, don't start.

Just let her stay up.

Well, Leah would love that.

Wouldn't you, sweetheart?

Maybe then we'll give Miranda

the gold star.

Yeah? Yeah.

- Wan an, Daddy.

- Wan an, princess.

Off you go.

Come here.

- Night night.

- 'Night.

Night night, slug.

"'Night, Mom. "

'Night, Mom.

Super mom.

- Miranda.

- What?

Do you know how a real

UFO sounds like?

Mommy.

Mommy.

So are you still

in that school orchestra?

No.

Oh, your dad said

you play a mean flute.

I don't really

call him dad.

Then you definitely don't

have to call me uncle.

Okay, it's right here.

Got it?

Yeah.

'Night.

Hi, it's Lisa.

I'm either busy or dead.

Thanks for picking up.

You'd better not be

this useless tomorrow.

Jinxie.

Oh, God.

Isn't this great?

I think we should have

10 more kids.

And look as tired as Lainey?

You think she's all right?

Well, you'd look tired after all that

rough stuff she's been getting.

Ecotourism? What a joke.

Snatch a glimpse of a gorilla

picking fleas off its a**hole

and we'll burn off your atmosphere

with the air travel.

They're so lucky.

They haven't got five business

brain cells between them.

And the home-

schooling thing?

I thought Chloe's

only qualification

was in yurt design.

Maybe they're getting into

fundamentalist Buddhism.

Why did you bring your

Chinese medicine files?

Yeah, I just thought

Robbie would be interested.

Why'd you interrupt me anyway

when I was talking about China?

Just support me

a bit, okay?

I told you,

I think it's a great idea.

Come on, I thought you and me

were going to have

some fun this weekend.

Did your daughter

get that memo?

Ha ha ha.

Good night, angel.

Leah, Nicky, come play with me.

I will take you to the moon.

Yee-haw!

Superman!

The strike zone.

Leah, Nicky!

- Yay!

- Me me me me!

Dad, me me me!

Don't let the kids

go on that run, Robbie.

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