The Clapper

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[PHONE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

EDDIE:
[OVER ANSWERING MACHINE]

This is Eddie Krumble.

Leave a message at the beep.

[BEEP]

IDA:
Eddie, it's your mother.

I'm leaving this message

on your machine.

We saw you on the television

here on your real estate show.

You looked very handsome.

Call your mother.

So you're trying to tell me,

with no money down,

- I can get a house?

- [PHONE RINGS]

[OVER ANSWERING MACHINE]

This is Eddie Krumble.

- Leave a message at the beep.

- I can get a house.

IDA:
Eddie,

it's the machine again.

House.

You're trying to tell me,

with no money down,

- I can get a house?

- IDA:
We're freezing here.

You're trying to tell me,

with no money down,

- I can get a house?

- IDA:
We live in an icebox.

I can get a house?

- A house? House?

- [PHONE RINGS]

IDA:
Eddie, tell 'em...

["OUTDOORS" BY RED PLANE PLAYS]

Now and again,

I'm getting sore

We saw them getting more

Now and again, I get bored

We saw them shake the shore

We saw them shake the shore

[HORN HONKS]

Let's go outdoors

It's a hearty haze

With strange decor

[HORN HONKS]

Let's go outdoors

It's a funny phase

To making more

It's a funny phase

To making more

[RIVETING]

Now and again, I keep score

We saw them taking more

Now and again, I get bored

We saw them shake the shore

We saw them shake the shore

Let's go outdoors

Let's go outdoors

It's a hearty haze

With strange decor

It's a hearty haze

With strange decor

[DING]

Let's go outdoors

MAN:
[OVER INTERCOM] Next stop,

Hollywood and Highland.

Enjoy your day.

[BRAKES HISS]

HARRY:
Hollywood bus tour!

$13 all day. Hop in, hop off.

Hollywood bus tour.

Hey, Hollywood bus tour.

Hollywood bus tour!

Hollywood bus tour!

Hollywood bus tour.

Hop on, hop off, $13 all.

- Hey!

- Harry!

Hey, Chris, Eddie.

Another day in hell, huh?

Living the dream,

living the dream.

Hey, you doing

your shows today?

Yeah, I got two questions.

Extra hundred bucks.

Outta sight! Hey, you gotta

hook me up with that.

I'll try, you know?

Making a living, right?

Making a living, yeah.

Hollywood bus tour!

Hop on, hop off.

$13 all day.

Hollywood bus tour.

Hollywood bus tour, sir?

Hop on, hop off, all day.

See Hollywood.

- You good?

- I'm good.

Filled up? All right.

CROWD:
No money down!

No money down!

No money down!

No money down!

Yes, yes!

That's absolutely right!

And remember,

what you're talking about here

is almost an acre of property

for pennies on the dollar!

Pennies on the dollar!

Pennies on the dollar!

And at Tranquil Estates,

we have seven lakes

just teeming with catfish,

thirteen playgrounds

and three golf courses.

Yes, go tweet about that

right now, sir.

[LAUGHING]

Uh-huh, yes, sir.

So you mean to tell me,

with no money down,

I can buy a house?

You're a fine listener, sir.

Exactly!

Yes, my friends, we want you

to enjoy the neighbors,

the Clooneys,

the Kardashians,

and that's if we still

have a lot for them.

[LAUGHING]

TV ANNOUNCER:
One resident

was candidly quoted as saying,

the earth simply opened up,

and down the drain they went.

Oh!

Yeah, right?

One day you're doing stuff,

the next day...

You put yourself out there,

something's bound to happen

sooner or later.

Keep it simple.

That's what I'm saying.

Pay me to clap,

maybe I get a question,

make a few extra bucks,

I'm good.

Oh, my God, no way.

Alan Thicke, Alan Thicke!

That's crazy.

Me and Chris, we were

just talking about you.

We were in the audience.

I asked the question.

No money down,

not one penny.

Hey, you remembered that.

Good. Oh, great.

By the way,

you said that perfectly.

You nailed that line,

and you looked good.

You guys were very good.

Best audience money can buy.

That place is nice, right?

Yeah, you're gonna...

you're gonna love it there.

Sign up.

So if I wanted to get a place

for, like, like just...

No money down.

Not one penny.

MAN:
No money down! Yeah! Sorry.

Just from the show, right?

- ALAN:
Yeah, you were listening.

- That's great.

He's a candidate, that guy.

Listen, you know, I just come

by here to grab a bite to eat,

take it home with me,

long day at the office.

I don't mean to bother you

or nothing.

I'm asking Alan Thicke.

Is it really down there?

Tell you what, the food's

taking a little while, okay?

But here's what's gonna happen.

If you guys don't shut up,

I'm gonna kill ya.

And I'll hurt your friend.

Have a nice day.

CHRIS:
How much gas do you need?

EDDIE:
Well, you never know.

CHRIS:
You just got

a quarter tank.

I think you just like

going to this gas station.

EDDIE:
I'll be right back.

- Hi, Judy.

- Hi, Eddie.

Hey, so, um,

I'll do four dollars and...

[SPEAKER CRACKING]

- Four-fifty.

- Pump three.

I saw Chris earlier.

[STATIC]

Um, sorry, the speaker's broke.

I saw Chris earlier.

Oh, Chris?

Yeah, he's in the car.

Gas can.

Oh, he had a dog with him?

- What?

- [SPEAKER CRACKS]

A dog?

I can't hear you.

- Um, sorry.

- I can't... What?

The speaker's broken.

The... Can you hear me?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, if you go over there

by the pump,

you can hear me better.

- Back here?

- Can you hear me now?

- Okay.

- But I can hear you.

- Right here.

- It's broken every other day.

Yeah, you're right there.

You said Chris has a dog?

He walks his friend

Walter's dog, yeah.

He's an optometrist.

At least he says he is,

but I don't know.

Chris's dog?

No, the dog's not

an optometrist, Judy.

[LAUGHS]

Unbelievable.

You know what would be

a good idea?

I mean, just off

the top of my head,

maybe put out some flash cards

for the customers

so they can hold up the cards

that say what they want,

like "cigarettes"

or "I want more gas" or...

- Lottery tickets?

- Yeah, lottery tickets!

You know, different cards for

when the speaker goes out.

Yeah, that would be

really helpful.

You always have

such good ideas.

Yeah, thanks.

- [SIREN WAILING]

- [HORN HONKING]

Oh, my God,

you're killing me!

I'm gonna get the gas, Judy.

- All right.

- Bye.

Bye, Eddie.

Pull the trigger,

dispense the nail,

and whack it in with one hand.

Or switch hands.

It'll feel like someone else

is whacking it for you.

[LAUGHTER]

So what you're telling me is,

"Goodbye, conventional hammer?"

You hit the nail

on the head, sir.

Goodbye, conventional hammer.

Goodbye, conventional nails.

Goodbye, conventional life.

And hello, Nailhammer!

- [SCREAMS]

- [AUDIENCE GASPS]

Much better

on the question, Eddie,

but, Chris, you have

to be laughing harder

when that sign comes on.

Your little chuckles

aren't gonna cut it anymore.

- No more chuckles.

- Right.

And, Alma, enough with

the sandwiches already, okay?

We're trying to do a show.

Stop with the eat...

I had two questions today.

That's like an extra 100 bucks.

Uh, sorry, word from above is

no more bonuses for speaking.

- Yugoslavia!

- Yes, ma'am.

Normal people

don't wear red, okay?

That guy, he got a nail

in his hand, right?

Thank you.

Thank you for the info.

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