The Clapper Page #2

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This stuff is

for SAG members only,

so unless you have a SAG card,

I need you to keep it moving.

Excuse me! We're part

of the show, all right?

So we got every much a right

to that as anybody.

Chris, get whatever you want.

Okay, just... That's enough.

Use a plate.

There's napkins.

That's unsanitary.

EDDIE:
What's going on with

the sandwich police back there?

That was unbelievable.

These people walk all over you,

you know what I'm saying?

You know why?

'Cause we don't have a union.

That's what we need, a union.

- Yep, totally.

- That's what I'm saying.

You know what Rudy was telling

me, from market research?

Oh, not Rudy.

Yeah, he said that all

those shows in the '70s,

all those clappers

are all dead now.

I heard the same thing.

So how do they use the new ones?

They're all dead people.

- Using who?

- The new ones?

Yeah, they're like

dead people laughing.

- How is that even possible?

- That's crazy.

Wait, what?

Who's even telling the story?

- Who?

- Me. I'm telling the story.

Okay, if I wasn't

such an idiot,

I would feel like a moron,

hanging out with you people.

Oh, yeah. That's why I gotta

find a backup

before we're all dead

and clapping.

CHRIS:
No, I don't want

to be laughing and dead.

I don't even want to be

a part of that group.

That's not a thing.

You can't.

We ain't gonna make no money

laughing or dead.

ANNOUNCER:
From

Hollywood, California,

it's the Jayme Stillerman Show.

- [BEEP]

- IDA:
Eddie, it's your mother.

We saw you on the TV

talking about your juice thing.

I'll tell you what

I really think.

I think maybe you looked

not so good on it

- because the lights...

- [BEEP]

Ma, hi, it's me.

IDA:
We saw your show!

I keep telling ya, Ma,

these ain't my shows, okay?

- IDA:
What?

- It's two in the morning there.

Why are you calling me

right now?

How on Earth

do some of these ideas

ever make it on television?

At least I wonder that.

Take a look at this.

Okay, Gladys told you this?

How did Gladys tell you this?

She can't speak English.

It's a spoon, a fork and

collapsible plate all in one,

and you don't have to wait

for anything ever?

That's the best invention.

It's three-dimensional.

EDDIE:
Ma, the whole reason

I moved out here was to move on.

That's what I'm doing.

JAYME:
Where's De Niro?

Thanks, Ma, but I'm telling you,

these ain't my shows.

I just get paid to clap.

Sometimes I ask a few questions,

but I blend in.

That's what I do.

I blend in.

And the acting?

This guy's incredible.

I'm not depressed.

Take a look at this.

Words cannot describe this.

Are you trying to tell me,

for no money down,

I can buy a house?

JAYME:
Where's Scorsese

when you need him?

Ma, I gotta go.

And that mustache.

And then, as we're going

through the show,

my producers and I are thinking,

"Hey, doesn't this guy

look familiar?"

It delivers a little grip

without slip.

Grip with no slip!

Can we freeze on that

for a second?

And bring back

the previous one.

Put a mustache on

the clean-shaven one. Ta-da!

I don't know about you, Spider,

but I'm definitely seeing

a resemblance here.

As we're going through the

tapes, we keep seeing this guy.

Look, it's him.

That's him. And that's him.

In case you thought our

audience member skills

were limited,

he kicks butt too!

I mean, this guy's everywhere.

All right,

anybody with information

leading to the identification

of this person,

who we are officially

naming The Clapper,

please get in contact with us.

We need to know

who this man is,

and we need him on this show.

Spider, take us out.

[APPLAUSE]

If Louise

finds out about this,

she's never gonna let me

work again, you know?

She flips out if you wear

the same shirt twice.

You saw what she did

to Yugoslavia, right?

Being a face in the crowd,

that's our thing.

- I'm done.

- You worry too much, Eddie.

Nobody's probably ever gonna see

that sort of TV show anyway.

Yeah? I'm telling ya.

- The movie star, huh?

- Yeah.

I saw you on the

Stillerman Show last night.

- Yeah, thanks, Alfie.

- I was saying to my wife.

Saw you on the Stillerman Show.

That was awesome.

You are totally f***ed, dude!

Just tell Louise

I'm sick or something

and find out what she's thinking

or what she knows, okay?

All right.

You're a star!

I give you some fries!

How you doing, Alfie?

Ma, I'm not trying

to get discovered.

I just wanna work.

That's all I wanna do.

IDA:
Well, Gladys...

it's obvious, honey...

thinks these disguises

are ridiculous.

Yeah. Ma...

IDA:
She said the beard,

the mustache...

Ma, Ma, I'm not trying

to get discovered.

I'm just trying

to not get fired, you know,

which has probably

already happened.

I gotta go.

Tell Gladys I said hi

and to lay off this TV stuff

because it's not helpful.

IDA:
I'll try and

shut that thing off.

Okay, bye.

Hey, hey, buddy,

you leave your stuff!

- Judy in yet?

- Throw the garbage over there.

Excuse me, is Judy in yet?

- Wow.

- [SPEAKER FEEDBACK]

No, f*** you.

What do you need?

- What?

- Can I help? F*** you!

How can I help?

F*** you.

- Wow. [LAUGHS]

- [STATIC]

That is...

That is really loud.

You should put a paper towel or

something on that 'cause it's...

I know, I know.

Yeah, I know.

- It's loud out here.

- Listen, listen.

Pick up your garbage

and go f*** yourself.

- Yeah, no, thanks.

- Thank you, buddy.

Just get out of here.

Hey, Judy! Judy!

Over here. Buddy!

Hey, buddy, where you going?

This not all right!

EDDIE:
Judy!

- [HORNS HONKING]

- CASHIER:
Buddy!

- Hey.

- Hey.

Look at you.

You look like...

You're outside of your box.

Are you kidding me right now?

This is crazy.

[LAUGHING]

You're like a real person.

I didn't even know.

- You look normal.

- I'm grabbing a soda,

I have a 20-minute break, so...

Okay, great.

- Can I walk you?

- Sure.

Yeah, 'cause I was just

driving around anyway, so...

I'll just add that

to my list of errands.

- Get a soda, you know?

- Great.

- Cool. Light is green.

- Great.

The light's green.

Get whatever you want,

by the way.

Oh, I have money.

It's okay.

It's on me. This one is on me.

I've been thinking about this

ever since I first got gas

at your place.

I pulled in, and you were like,

"Can I help you?"

And I was like,

"Yeah, yeah, for sure."

You were talking about

how you'd like to go to Mexico

'cause you got a goat

or something...

Grady.

- Yeah, he's got one horn.

- Totally.

Got a one-horned goat.

I'm not gonna forget that.

- You're too funny.

- How about I get the food?

I'll get the food,

and you go sit down.

Oh, get us a table inside.

There's never anybody in there.

- Really?

- It's totally weird. Yeah.

- Just less people, you know?

- Okay, yeah.

- I'll go inside.

- Okay.

[BELL RINGS]

Wow.

Yeah. Fries are the best, right?

It's crazy, right?

There's just nobody in here.

It's like my quiet spot.

Yeah, it's great.

You know what's great is

you get a break from work.

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