The Clapper Page #3

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That's so great.

Yeah, I'm just really worried

about getting fired.

Fired?

They're not gonna fire you.

If they fired you,

getting gas there

would just be like getting gas.

I wouldn't come back.

They would lose my business

for sure.

Thanks.

- I'm serious.

- What about you?

I mean, you must be so excited

about all your shows.

I wouldn't...

I can't imagine doing that.

It's all right.

I mean, you know, it's a job.

I got this problem though.

Do you know about

the Stillerman TV show?

Do you know that thing on TV?

My TV broke a while ago.

I'm not really even

a TV girl anyway.

Hmm. Yeah, okay.

Don't worry about

this firing stuff.

Honestly.

Like, whatever's gonna happen

is gonna happen,

or whatever those people say.

Or something like that.

Did I say that right?

Yeah, but even if everything

didn't work out,

I would just go back

to the shelter with Grady.

You know?

And there's just so many...

there's all those freaked out

kind of animals.

And then there are

these half-pig, half...

- Half a pig.

- Yes. He wears an eye patch.

- [LAUGHS] I know.

- Yeah.

I guess I'm just

saying it wrong, really,

but it's just amazing,

- Yeah.

- I don't know. Someday.

Well, I would miss you

if you went to Mexico.

You're not married?

Hmm? Uh, no. Yeah.

What? No.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Whoa! What?

Whoa! What?

You gotta be kidding me.

Unbelievable.

Well, there goes

the peace and quiet.

CASHIER:
Okay, Donny!

Let's get this piece of sh*t

out of here, baby!

Thank you very much, buddy.

Bye, Tony.

Thank you, buddy, thank you.

So we received such positive

feedback from all of you

about our Clapper friend

that we're starting a new

segment tonight called...

"Who is The Clapper?"

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

- So in our relentless quest

to find our questioning,

clapping disguise man,

we took it to the streets

to ask this

one important question.

Do you recognize

this gentleman here?

This guy? He looks like

a straight-up idiot to me.

Loser!

He wants to get his picture

in the newspapers.

Rob! Rob! We're from

The Jayme Stillerman Show,

I love you. I love the Giants.

It's a great team.

Do you recognize

this man right here?

He looks familiar.

He looks like...

maybe like a porn star

or something like...

a doggy-style type

porn star.

STILLERMAN:
And just as we felt

our search was headed nowhere,

right in our very own

backyard,

we ran into a man

named Chris Plork.

Do you recognize

this gentleman here?

Yeah, I know this guy, yeah.

Oh, my God.

You actually know this man?

You know The Clapper?

Yeah.

Tell me a little something

about him.

He saw the stuff on the TV,

and he's like, you know,

what's going on, you know?

Does he have

any demands for us?

If The Clapper

could talk to you,

he probably would say

he wants you just to know

he would just want it

to be okay for him

to keep doing

his TV shows and stuff.

Really.

Can you get us in touch

with The Clapper?

Oh, my God.

I was there.

They came up to me.

I was waiting

to talk to Louise.

Did they even talk to Louise?

No! She said she

didn't know you.

To who? You just said

that she didn't talk...

They had some kind

of cardboard cutout

or something of you.

- What?

- Yeah.

It was beautiful.

Looked nice.

Did Louise see

this cardboard cutout?

She seen it sitting right there.

It was right there. Yeah.

Then we don't have jobs.

Yugoslavia said

the same thing.

Yeah, well, he's right.

Why couldn't you just say

you didn't know anything?

I tried, but the producer guy

came up to me with his number

in case you want

to call him.

I don't want anything

to do with the show, Chris.

You need to call him

and tell him

that you thought you knew what

you were talking about, but...

you know, or something,

but you didn't.

And that's it, all right?

Listen, I get it.

I'm not mad.

I just need you to undo whatever

that was that happened there.

You never know. Good things

could come out of this.

Yugoslavia say he'd get us on

one of the Law and Order shows.

What?

- [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Attention!

Is that English?

Eddie, what does that say?

MAN:
Attention, everybody,

attention!

[AUDIENCE CHATTER]

Pongasela.

Pongasela.

- Pongasela!

- [SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

No matter what,

if you win or if you lose,

you need to put the wig on.

That was the deal.

[GROANING]

[MAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS]

Judge Hermanos, yeah!

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

I don't know what the hell

that was, but that was horrible.

No doubt.

How many more of these we got?

Got like one

in like half an hour.

At least it's something, right?

Gracias, right?

WOMAN:
Next in line.

I want to take Judy

on another date,

but like even French fries

are a stretch right now.

You gotta talk to Louise, man.

And for real.

Tell her I just had nothing

to do with the Stillerman Show.

Dude, dude, you're the dude!

Look! It's you! You're the guy!

- You're you, man.

- What?

You're The Clapper guy.

That's you!

Dude, that's... that's you!

And you're, what, a potato?

Hey, man, you say potato.

I say nice mustache.

It's okay, Eddie.

Man, we were saying

how funny you are on the...

[LOW-PITCH] We were saying

how funny you are.

Yeah, the problem is

I wasn't trying to be funny.

I didn't even want

to be on the show, okay?

Yeah, they just sort of

took over my life.

They did whatever

the f*** they wanted,

You know what we should do?

We should put him in a net.

And then we should bring him in

and get like a reward.

Great, potato man.

I'd love to see you try that.

Eddie, he's a potato.

F*** him.

- No, don't f*** him.

- Mom, that's the clap man!

- It's him!

- That's not nice! Knock it off!

You gonna be

Mr. Mashed Potato.

No, no, he's right, yeah.

You've seen me on TV.

I'm the clap guy, right?

I'm The Clapper. See?

It's me. I clap!

Hey, look at that!

Clap, clap, right?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

And I laugh!

Not just a little chuckle, no.

Like a big laugh,

like ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

F*** you!

Oh, come on!

Clap for us, Clapper!

Do it!

Do it! Do it!

Ran out of gas!

Ran out of gas,

but luckily, I was right here.

Eddie, I still feel so bad

about your car getting towed.

Yeah, but what are you

gonna do, you know?

Is shove-it-up-your-ass-

credit-card-guy still here?

No, he's...

he's not on tonight.

- Great.

- Um, are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm good.

I just...

You know...

maybe it's better that you

don't have a TV right now.

[CHUCKLES]

Never mind.

Your microphone's working,

the speaker.

- Yeah.

- Lotta people out there

Yeah.

Hey, is that Brian Wilson?

Yeah. "Love and Mercy."

- You kiddin' me?

- Yeah.

That's unbelievable,

I love that song.

Like, who talks like that?

Who says "crummy" anymore?

My father used to say that

when I was little.

Yeah, that's my favorite part.

Yeah.

I was sittin'

In a crummy movie

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