The Cleanse

---

1

[]

The winter months

Were so much fun

For April's fool

From snowball fights

To skating on

A frozen pool

[RAIN PATTERING]

Her nose so cold and wet

I like to bow...

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[TRUCK RUMBLES]

[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING

ON RADIO INDISTINCTLY]

[CHEWING LOUDLY]

Mmm.

Mmm.

That looks good.

It's a hot dog, yeah?

Yeah.

[LAUGHING]

Man, I can't even...

Can't even see the hot dog

in that hot dog, right?

[CHUCKLES]

[CHEWING LOUDLY]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey.

You know what

you want, hon?

Um. Almost.

Uh...

It's been a while.

Do you remember me?

Well, I get a lot of people

in here, so...

Right. Right.

You look a little thinner

a couple of years ago?

I kinda remember

a couple coming in here a lot.

That was, um...

That was my fiance.

We used to...

I don't think

I've gained weight, though.

WAITRESS:
Maybe it

was someone else.

[LAUGHING] My memory's

shot to sh*t, hon.

[LAUGHING WHEEZILY]

Has it really been

that long?

So are you waiting

for someone, or...?

No, it's just me.

MAN 1 [ON TV]:
...when you

look down, and you realize

there's no phone

in your pocket.

MAN 2 [ON TV]:

That happens all the time.

MAN 1:
Right? Now, did you know

that sensation

actually has a name?

Scientists call it

phantom vibration.

You feel like

your phone is vibrating,

but it's actually not.

It's just your body...

[ADS POPPING]

MAN 2:
It's crazy. I didn't

know there was a name for that.

MAN 1:
Well, not only

is there a name...

- [WOMAN MOANING]

- [BANGING]

[SLAPPING]

[PAUL SIGHS]

[DINGING ON TV]

DEAN [ON TV]:
Boy, you really

lucked out tonight, Heather.

HEATHER [ON TV]:

Thank you so much.

DEAN:

She had a good time.

And I hope you did too.

We'll see you next time.

[CHOIR VOCALIZING

ON TV]

[SNORTS]

WOMAN [ON TV]:
Are you

searching for something?

Is baggage

weighing you down?

Wish you could restart?

Well, now you can.

And guess

how much it costs.

Absolutely nothing.

It's free.

Join us on a retreat

to one of the most beautiful

and remote places

in the country

as you try

a brand-new program

guaranteed to rid

the negative toxins

from your life.

Isn't it time?

Visit LetsGetPure.com

and face your demons today.

[GROANS]

[]

[TV PLAYING

INDISTINCTLY]

[COMPUTER PRINTER

WHIRRING]

MAN [ON TV]:
Now, that's

what I like to see!

Some of that good

St. Patrick's Day spirit!

[ELEVATOR DINGS,

DOORS OPEN]

[ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE]

Okay, everybody. Who's ready

to change their lives today?

MAN:
Good, because

if you're not ready,

there's the door.

Go on, you can leave

if you like.

Okay.

Now, you've all heard

of the lemon-cleanse diet.

It was designed back

in the 1980s to help the body

rid itself

of negative toxins.

Those... Those things

that prevent

the body

from doing its job.

It originated with Ken Roberts

and his best-selling book,

The Purification

of the Lemon Cleanser.

MAN:
The lemon cleanser has caught

on like wildfire in recent years.

In fact, some of your favorite

celebrities have done it.

But Mr. Roberts

felt he could do better.

Now I want you all

to close your eyes and relax.

Think about that pain

you felt.

That deep pain

that prevents you

from getting ahead in life.

WOMAN:

We need to know that pain.

MAN:

Keep thinking.

WOMAN:

Keep thinking.

MAN:

Keep thinking.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

WOMAN:

And open.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

Now...

who wants to share

their pain first?

Yes, thank you.

One sec, here we go.

WOMAN:

Oh, uh...

Mr. Roberts just wants to get

a good look at you.

Heh, heh.

Uh. So, uh, this, uh,

one time, I...

Uh, posted on Facebook

that my friend Darryl

was a... A dick-licker.

I guess I kind of feel

bad about that.

Is that what

you're looking for?

He's actually...

He's actually not a dick-licker.

Okay. Ha, ha.

What's wrong?

[WHISPERING] Come

on, I'm kidding.

This sh*t is weird.

Folks, it's...

It's really important that we...

We dig deep here.

You know,

your personal stories right now

are what will help us determine

who goes on the retreat.

Yes, in the back?

MAN:

One sec.

Okay, hi, I'm Maggie.

Um. Ahem.

Yeah, I was married

for 10 years. Um...

We got hitched

after high school.

Uh. Yeah. My...

My husband wanted kids.

Ah, I was against it.

And then one day,

I came home and, um,

[CRYING] he blew his... He blew

his brains out with a shotgun.

And, um...

MAN:
That's all we need.

Thank you.

- You can go ahead now, hon.

- Oh, not now.

- Go on. Go ahead.

- I don't...

Uh...

I'm-I'm Paul Berger.

I guess I don't know

if I have a lot of pain.

I mean, we all have bad days

once in a while, right?

Um, I recently lost my job.

I was engaged for a long time,

that didn't work out. What else?

Um, I'm from New Jersey,

which I know

what you're all thinking,

but New Jersey, it's...

It's actually a great place.

Have any of you heard of

a town called Newfield?

Well, it's a borough,

actually.

It was established

in 1924.

PAUL:
Have you ever

cleansed before?

Oh, no,

thank you.

I like

my sandwiches.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, I hear you.

I'm gonna miss

hot dogs.

This sounds real interesting,

though, don't it?

The idea of getting pure,

restarting your life?

- Keep pressure on that.

- Yeah.

[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING]

When will I know

if they pick me?

They'll call you

today.

Pee in this cup.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[MUFFLED]

Sorry, I didn't mean...

[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

Hi, I'm Paul Berger.

[MUFFLED]

Yeah, I know.

Hey, I just wanted to say that

that was really brave of you.

What was?

What you just said in...

[UNMUFFLED] I'm sorry

about your husband.

I-I-I can't believe

you had to see that.

That must

have been terrible.

Yeah, um...

I made that up.

[MUFFLED]

What?

[UNMUFFLED] Well, didn't

you make yours up too?

I guess the way

you kept, you know,

[UNMUFFLED] going on

and on and on, you...

Oh, yeah. No.

[SCOFFING]

I made mine up too.

[MUFFLED]

Oh, I, uh,

gotta get that.

[UNMUFFLED]

Okay, yeah. Sure.

Hey.

I... I hope you

get the call today.

Maybe I'll see you

there, huh?

[MUFFLED] All right,

I'll see you around.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

ROBERTS [ON RECORDING]:

Hello, this is Ken Roberts.

Thank you for

purchasing my book.

Although it was

first published in the 1980s,

you'll find that a lot

of my current principles

actually originated

in this early text.

So thank you for listening.

Chapter 1.

Since the days of Jesus Christ,

who fasted for 40 days,

men and women have abstained

from food for many reasons.

- For health...

- [TRAP SNAPS]

- [RAT SQUEALING]

- ...political ends...

Oh. Oh, no.

Hey, uh, Zatik?

Uh-huh. Yeah, hi.

Could you come over, please?

I have a bit

of a rat situation.

I know you're

watching the game,

but if you could

just come over for...

[]

One sec.

Sorry. Hello?

WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Hello, am I

speaking with Paul Berger?

Uh, Yeah.

WOMAN:
Oh, good. I'm

so glad I caught you.

I'm calling on behalf

of the Roberts Institute.

- Oh, hi.

- [WOMAN MOANING]

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes