The Comebacks
Nothing is more inspiring
Than the tale of a sports hero.
But this story is
about the other guy...
The LOSER.
And as you'll see,
even failure has its champion.
His name?
Lambeau Fields.
To me, he's a hero,
An inspiration and a friend.
To the rest of the world,
He's the worst coach
in the history of sports.
Hey, Bill!
Buckner!
What?
What's a six-Letter word
For a tropical fruit?
Not now.
I'm thinking
it might be "banana"!
Zip it. Be quiet.
Could be "papaya"!
Fields, this is the World Series, man-
Are you crazy?
Slow roller down to first.
It gets through Buckner's legs!
The Mets win!
The Mets win!
It's "Papaya. "
Let's go!
Whoa!
That's on me.
Marco, come here.
Go tell Zidane, tell him I said...
Go tell him I said that.
Ta mere est une
vielle... terroriste.
I don't remember
saying "Chain-Smoking. "
Being labeled the biggest
loser in the history of mankind
Finally got
to old Coach Fields,
And he hit rock bottom.
Coach?
Freddie.
Good to see you.
My God,
I hardly recognized you.
I bought a new hat.
Nice.
It's good to see you, buddy.
I got a proposition for you.
All right.
Let's walk and talk.
I'm late for work.
Yeah.
Hey, Manuel, Javier,
Sanchez, Cornelio, new guy.
Hola, Coach.
They ride the horses.
Coach wasn't exactly coaching anymore.
His job was to help facilitate
The continuation of the noble
Seabiscuit lineage.
Mother Nature.
To draw forth
the building blocks
Of the champion D.N.A. Which-
Aw, hell.
He was yanking off horses.
So, tell me about
this big offer of yours.
There's this small college
in Plainfolk, Texas-
Heartland State University.
It's got a beautiful campus
They need
a new head football coach.
Me go back to coaching?
Oh. Sorry.
Okay.
Listen, Coach...
You and me we've been
through wars together, right?
And no matter what anybody says,
I mean, you're one
of the best leaders ever.
It's time for you
to get back into coaching.
I appreciate it,
But I'm happy here.
For once in my life,
I'm proud of what I'm doing.
I said no!
No means no!
You know what no means.
Aah! You just finish yourself.
Aah!
Thanks anyway, buddy.
Good to see ya.
Uh, I shouldn't, 'cause,
you know...
I got a terrible cold.
Coming up on Fox Sports News,
Maria Sharapova battles
at the Australian Open.
Here, Maria!
Smile! - Right here!
WOMAN:
Coach?
There you are.
Is something wrong?
Freddie Wiseman
came to see me today.
College football.
But I said no.
I told him I'm out.
Sweetie...
Are you sure?
I mean, coaching
is in your blood.
Like-Like hepatitis C or...
or traces of cocaine.
I don't know, Barb.
You know, this house
is perfect for us.
Look at this den.
It's already filled
With sports memorabilia
and trophies.
You know,
it's not too late
For you to get
a trophy of your own.
That'd be something, wouldn't it?
Oh, come on.
Coaching is
Like cockfighting
or identity theft.
That's true.
Maybe I will
give it another shot.
Yeah! You can't keep a legend
In the shadows for long.
Set!
Hut!
Honey...
Honey, honey,
Honey, um...
Just promise me that you
won't get so consumed by winning
That you completely forget
about this family.
What?!
Family comes first.
You know that.
Really?
And how many of Michelle's
Gymnastics meets
have you been to?
Michelle?
Your daughter.
Oh, of course, Michelle.
What the hell was that?
Your son.
Scruffy!
Jeffrey!
Well, someone's name is Scruffy.
Scruffy was your dog
when you were ten. I...
See, honey, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
Hello.
Sorry, wrong number.
That was the police.
They're looking for the parents
of a girl named Michelle.
What?
Don't worry, sweetie.
Honey, that's not Michelle.
Michelle Fields,
You have been charged
with property damage,
Robbery, arson,
indecent exposure
And being
an insatiable cock tease.
That got a lot
of hits on YouTube.
Therefore,
I hereby sentence you to rejoin
The USA Gymnastics Team.
No!
Why would you do this to me?
Hey, Tommy B.
Yeah, Lawdog here.
Listen, I wanna put 50 grand
on the US womens gymnastic team
To win the gold in Beijing.
Thanks, buddy.
Oh, sh*t.
I have my reasons.
This is all your fault!
Oh, sweet Jesus.
How could this happen?
It's okay, Coach,
it's all right.
We'll get through this.
We're getting a ticket!
I knew that was
a loading zone!
So Coach took the job
a promise to his family
That he wouldn't forget 'em.
- Wait! Wait a second!
- Dad, wait up!
- Dad!
- Coach!
#You take one down
You pass it around#
They settled in Plainfolk, Texas.
So cozy that it didn't even
have a traffic light.
#No more bottles
of beer on the wall #
Coach Fields was
back in the game-
But this time, he really had
his work cut out for him.
Welcome to your
first practice, gentlemen.
Hope you're ready for the worst
six weeks of your life.
I'm gonna do things
to your bodies
That are cruel,
painful and unnatural.
I'm gonna ride your ass
Day and night.
I'm gonna make you bleed
From places that you've
never bled from before.
It's gonna hurt bad.
It's gonna hurt deep.
Then it's gonna start
to feel good.
Then it's gonna hurt again.
Now, I need to get this team
down to a 32-Man roster,
Which means some of you ladies
are gonna be cut.
Starting with you, you
- And you.
- Hey, Coach, we didn't even
Get a chance to play yet.
If there's one thing
I can spot, it's talent.
Coach, we're the only players
on this team who can play.
Wait, man, how do you
think you get these?
- Huh?
- EBay.
Maybe next year, guys.
Thanks for coming out.
All right, let's see if I've got
Anybody else out here
worth a damn.
Randy Randinger!
- Here, Coach.
- Where?
Right here, sir.
I'm ready to give it my all.
I'll do whatever it
takes to make this team.
Refill the waters,
get fresh towels...
Buff everyone's helmet.
Oh...
That helmet.
I thought you were talking
about something else.
Good. We got a towel boy.
Next-
Buddy Boy Jones!
All right! I got me
A big, mean son of a b*tch!
I wouldn't
hurt a fly, Coach.
Football is war, son.
You got to be a killer.
Ow!
I'm telling on you!
Next, ACL Tear!
It's pronounced "Aseel," sir.
Aseel Tare.
ACL Tear. Got it.
It says here you rushed for
Keep it up,
you could turn pro.
Hope so, Coach.
Nothing can hold you back.
Except an unforeseen
career-Ending injury.
What are the odds
of that happening, ACL Tear?
It's Aseel, sir. Aseel Tare.
Got it. ACL Tear.
Right there.
Is that a radio I hear?
No, that's just I Pod.
Whoa!
God, what a retarded
ass retard.
Hey!
I don't ever want
to hear that word again!
You're talking about a person,
A human being!
Come here, son.
He may be a
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"The Comebacks" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_comebacks_5795>.
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