The Comebacks Page #2

moronic cretin,

A drooling mush head,

A short bus-Riding,

window-Licking

Spaz-Ass simpleton,

But he is not a retard.

If there's one thing

I do not tolerate,

That's disrespect.

Okay, I Pod.

How'd you like

to be my assistant?

Yeah.

Let this be a lesson

for all of you.

You judge not,

lest ye be judged.

It's time someone

gives this man a chance.

To once and for all

show that-

Okay, that's enough.

All right, get him off me.

Get him off me.

Here comes Trotter, here comes Trotter.

Here come who?

Trotter, Trotter, he's a star.

Touchdown, Trotter, touchdown.

What's this all about?

What's it to you, old man?

This "old man"

is your new coach.

I want you suited up

In two minutes,

or you're off my squad.

Looks like we

gonna have us a problem, then.

You know that, right?

Figurin' out what

to do with the other

Minute and 99 seconds.

Let's get something

straight, Trotter.

I don't like the ego,

I don't like the flash,

I don't like that...

my daughter is

Coming out of your limo.

Damn!

What are you doing in there?

Just, um, getting

a ride to school

With my new boyfriend

And... lover.

Oh, please,

This is just another one

of your rebellious stunts

Trying to make me mad.

It's not a stunt, Dad.

It's just me

having a boyfriend...

Who happens to be black.

See you later.

Black boyfriend.

Damn!

All right!

Any walk-Ons?

Hey, Coach.

Name is Vince.

I'm just a bartender from Philly

Whose only dream

is to play ball.

It's all I got left

After I lost my job teaching

and my wife left me.

Like my alcoholic father

used to say before he passed on,

"A man can only take

so much failure!"

I promise to give you

everything I got.

What do you say, Coach?

I say you can add

"Did not make the football team"

To your list of woes.

Now beat it, buzzkill.

Okay, ladies, show time!

Offense, hit the line!

Defense, give 'em hell!

Let's see what you boys got!

Not you.

FIELDS:

All right!

Hike the damn ball!

I suppose we don't have a quarterback.

All right!

Still don't have a quarterback.

Any other positions

we need to fill?

We need a kicker.

Can I be kicker, Coach?

I'll steam up your wiener

And stick it

between my buns.

Oh.

That wiener.

Yeah, this is great.

Middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere.

How am I gonna find

an all-American quarterback?

If you build it, he will come.

If you build it, he will

Come...

Who will come?

Your father. Your dead father.

My father's not dead.

I just spoke with him

this morning.

You got to be shittin' me.

Is this 314 Bentley Road?

No, this is 314 Bentley Drive.

F***ing MapQuest.

I've got to get G.P.S.

Anyway, I know a quarterback.

His name is Lance Truman.

You'll find his ass

on the baseball field.

Lance Truman?

Yeah.

Name's Lambeau Fields.

New football coach

over at Heartland.

Word on the street

Is that you're

a damn good quarterback.

Yeah, my dad wants me

to focus on baseball.

Sorry, Coach.

Let me talk to your father.

He needs to know that

you're wasting your gift here.

All right, listen, could we

just drop the football thing?

My dad's made up his mind-

Baseball's my future.

Then prove it-

Strike me out.

Are you serious?

Your best pitch.

You got some wood?

No. But I did on the way

over here, though.

Sometimes when I'm driving,

I like to prop a cup of coffee

In my lap, and there's just

something about the hot steam

Against my knuckleballs

That really, you know...

Just makes old Charlie hustle.

Yeah, that kind of wood.

- Right.

- Right.

That's it. Thought for a second

you were talking about cock.

I put everything I had on that.

It's time we go talk

to your dad.

Got a good feeling

about this year.

By the way, where's

the closest hospital?

Uh... County General. Why?

Oh, no reason.

I'm just gonna pop in there,

grab an aspirin.

Got a little headache, I guess.

Oh!

Oh! Ee!

Well, I'm sorry you had to drive

All the way out here, Fields.

I could've told you

Over the phone I wasn't gonna

let my boy play football.

Have you always

drank this much,

Mr. Truman?

No. Went for 11 straight years

without a drink.

What happened?

Turned 12.

I really wish you'd

reconsider, Mr. Truman.

Your son had a great

season last year.

Hell, he might have been great,

If he could learn how to keep

from dropping the dang ball.

- That's not true, Dad.

- Oh, no?

Then what the hell is this?

That's the Droppie Award

for most fumbles in a season.

And what

the hell is this?

That's a picture of me

at Camp Fumblewatha.

And what are you eating

in that picture?

A Butterfingers.

This conversation is over, Coach.

My boy's not playing for anyone,

'Cause I can't stand

the guys at the mill

Asking me why my boy can't

hold on to the goddamn ball!

Dad!

I just want

to make you proud, Dad,

So you can hold

your head up high.

Please, Dad?

All right.

But if you give

those men at the mill

Any reason to laugh at me,

I swear to God...

You work at a mill?

The Sugar Mill-

It's out on Route 39.

I do Cher four nights a week,

Christina Aguilera on Saturday.

Isn't she the best kicker

you've ever seen?

Kicker? Oh, hey, look-

They're playing sports.

How you doing?

Name's Coach Fields.

- I want you to be my kicker.

- Wow!

I would like that very much.

- So you'll join the squad?

- Under one condition:

My parents can never know.

They're very traditional,

believe a woman's life

Should be spent in service

to her husband, cooking,

Cleaning, and pleasuring

with the mouth.

- Hello. Welcome to the team.

- Hi. Hi.

Oh, my God.

Hey, what's this thing?

Oh, that's for your nose.

You put it on your face.

It's a nose guard.

Well, I thought

it was a really small

One of these.

Hey.

I'm Lance. Lance Truman.

I'm your new quarterback.

Word of advice, quarterback.

You just give me the damn ball,

and you stay out of my way.

This my team.

This my turf.

And this...

This my...

My Little Pony collection.

Rainbow Dash, first edition.

Still in the box, b*tch.

Huddle up! Listen up!

Sit down.

Been doing

a little bit of research.

Turns out...

Every single one of you made

the dean's list last semester.

Yeah!

And I got to say, gang...

I will not stand

for this bullshit!

Now, if we're gonna be winners,

I'm gonna need

a commitment from you.

So we're all gonna sign

a little contract.

Why don't you

pass those out.

I want to start seeing D's...

And F's.

I want you to cut class.

I want academic probation.

When I walk in that locker room,

I want to smell reefer.

I want phone calls

in the middle of the night

To bail you horn dogs

out of jail.

I want felonies,

Lawsuits,

Sexual harassment allegations.

I want you to start acting like

ballplayers, for Christ sake!

Hey! Hey!

Anybody got a problem, you

better speak up right and now!

You know what I think

of your contract, Coach?

You got a lot of anger, son.

That's 'cause I'm from somewhere

you can't even imagine.

The skreets.

Dude, you grew up

two houses down from me.

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