The Comedian

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1

Excuse me.

Excuse me?

I know you.

Don't I know you?

No.

Hey, hey, hold that door!

You cold? You need something

to warm you up?

No. You know what you can do,

you can burn this whole

down so I don't have to do

this f***ing nostalgia night.

Prepare yourself,

it's not as big

a house as they thought.

The weather kept people home.

See the marquee?

It's like

Night of the Living Dead.

I should fire you for this.

Then you'll get a gray hair

in a place you thought

God would be nice enough

to just leave alone.

I'm liking menopause.

Makes me surly.

Jackie B.

Hey.

Jimmie Walker.

Jackie. Jackie Burke.

Man, thanks for coming.

I really appreciate it.

Thanks for having me.

Hey, look. Small crowd,

but they're very, very lively.

Well, you know,

I can play to one person.

Sometimes I play with myself.

Heh. Jackie.

It's a family audience.

- Good.

- You do one joke

about a gray snatch hair.

So you find the gray hair.

And then he said, " You know

you have to brush this on."

Which, oh, Quelle surprise,

I thought I'd just shake it up

pour it down

till it quit burning,

have a hot apple pie.

It's like I'm an addled girl.

He goes, "You have to sit there

with your legs apart

for a half hour."

"Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama,

how do you think we got

the fence painted?"

That's my proudest joke.

You're the best under fire!

We love you, Grace!

Miss Grace Under Fire,

Miss Brett Butler!

How you doing?

If I ever do one of these

again, shoot me.

Don't worry. I'll do us both

with one bullet.

We got a guy coming on now.

A legend, ladies and gentlemen.

Hickory Dickory Dock,

I got to roll back the clock.

That's right.

Because we are ready

to bring up a young man that

when he was on TV

there was no electricity.

When he was on TV, Little House

on the Prairie was just a shack

ladies and gentlemen.

He is devastating.

What am I getting for this gig?

You get a percentage

of the door.

So that's $11 and a burger.

Your commission's gonna be

a f***ing pickle.

Sure. Like always.

The man that you know

from the hit sitcom

Eddie's Home.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's put our hands together

for Eddie.

Arlene.

Eddie, look.

I carved a pumpkin.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

- Arlene, when son decides...

- We love your hair.

To dress up like a ballerina

it's no longer about

trick-or-treating.

Eddie, he's only 11 and a half.

Give him a chance to

find himself.

He needs to explore.

- Arlene. Arlene.

- Explore.

Arlene!

Mr. Jackie Burke

is in the house,

ladies and gentlemen.

You staying?

Yeah. I'll drive you home.

Jackie Burke is here.

Holy cow.

Eddie's home!

Give it up.

Give it up for

JJ "Dyno-f***ing-mite" Walker.

He's the living proof that

black might not crack,

but it definitely decomposes.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

I know a lot of you are here

because you love Eddie. Yeah.

Well, I have bad news for you.

- Eddie died.

- Aw.

Yeah.

Yeah. He died a long time ago,

30 years ago

along with my career

and Brett Butler's eggs.

Oh.

Okay. Enough about me.

Let's talk about this

abortion of a town you live in.

Hicksville!

How did they ever come up

with a name like "Hicksville"?

I looked up "Hicksville"

on Wikipedia.

It said "inbreeding"

and "crystal meth."

So why don't you change

your name

to something more pleasant

like Somalia?

But don't worry, Hicksville.

When you grow up,

you, also, can change your name.

I changed my name.

I wasn't always "Jackie."

When I was born, my parents

named me, you know what? Jakov.

No!

Jakov Berkowitz.

Yeah. That's right.

It's that big, girls.

I mean, even the Jewish kids

beat me up

with a name like that.

Uh, can I help you all

with something, huh? Huh?

What's going on here?

Bachelorette party!

Bachelorette party! Oh!

Eight girls sharing one brain.

Who's the lucky girl?

I am.

Don't look so happy, sweetheart.

Right now, your fianc's in a

strip club licking whipped cream

out of some girl's a**hole.

Hey, come on, don't get sad.

I'm just breaking your balls.

You're getting married

to one dick

for the rest of your life.

What could be more exciting

than that?

Yay!

Oh, my God, Jackie.

You shouldn't do marriage jokes.

O.J. Simpson was

a better husband than you.

It's not about you, you selfish

bastard. It's about them.

Keep it light and fun

and positive.

Marriage will suck every speck

of life out of your soul

until there's nothing left

but one big, giant,

festering sore.

Good luck. Heh.

It's not just me. I don't think

humans were meant to be married.

I mean, you want a relationship?

Get a canary, get a fish.

Get a f***ing chicken.

Get a dog.

A dog is always happy

to see you.

A dog doesn't judge you.

The dog is just there.

I'm late, my dog's like,

"Hey, Jackie, no big deal."

I forget to feed him, "It's

okay, Jackie. I'm a fat f***.

"I gotta lose some weight.

It's all right."

I come home smelling like p*ssy,

and he doesn't get mad.

He just wags his tail

and licks my fingers.

Enough of this "dog" sh*t!

Come on, do "Eddie."

Not now, pal, please.

Can you help me out?

Yeah. No. I didn't come here

to hear new sh*t.

- I came to see Eddie.

- Shut up.

Hey, Hodor, shouldn't you be

down at the playground

luring kids into

a windowless van?

Hodor!

Hey, I'm the audience.

You're here to entertain me.

You work for me.

Oh...

You hear that? I work for him.

All right, boss, how about you

give me an early Christmas bonus

and tongue my balls.

Calm down. You chose this

career, you f***ing idiot.

You could've been

a doctor or a lawyer

but you chose to beg

drunken strangers

for love and attention.

Just try to make everyone happy,

so you can go home and jerk off.

Hey, look, man. I don't

wanna fight. Let's be friends.

Can someone do me a favor,

get a drink for this guy

and a bag of oats for his wife.

Bullshit.

You getting this, Amy?

I don't want that sh*t

in our webisode.

Webisode? Your sh*t? What web...?

What the f*** are you doing?

Welcome to Stand-Up Take Down.

Webisode 19.

What you doing?

Are you taping me?

This is my show, old man.

I'm here to take you down.

Give me that.

No, you give me that mic.

Take me down?

What are you doing?

Wanna go joke to joke with me,

Eddie?

Take your hands off my mic.

You wanna dance? Let's go.

Let go of the mic.

This is my show, buddy.

You getting this, Amy?

This is my show.

You're the joke, old man.

You're the f***ing joke.

You want the mic? You want it?

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t! Baby!

What is wrong with you?

You crazy bastard!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

And I'm here to take you down.

What the f*** are you doing,

my friend?

Give me that goddamn.

No, you give me that mic.

Your Honor,

as you can clearly see,

Mr. Severin grabbed

Mr. Berkowitz first.

Mr. Berkowitz warned Mr. Severin

several times to desist,

and he refused.

Wanna go joke to joke with me?

Let go of the mic.

Let go of the mic.

You're the joke, old man.

Any objection to probation?

With a strong public apology and

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