The Comedian Page #2

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substantial community service.

Jakob Berkowitz, please rise.

Jakob Berkowitz,

the court understands

there are mitigating

circumstances

but nothing excuses

your retaliation.

It is in the judgment

of this court

that you serve 100 hours

of community service.

You will attend

10 anger-management sessions

and you will make an allocution

and an apology.

Do you understand,

Mr. Berkowitz?

Yes, Your Honor.

Good.

And in accordance

with this agreement,

are you prepared to change

your plea

from "not guilty" to "guilty"?

Yeah.

Yes, Your Honor.

"I admit to assault and battery

on Mr. Severin.

"I recognize that I acted

in a weak and violent manner

"and I will aggressively

take steps to ensure

"that it will never

happen again.

"I also apologize to the court

and to my fans."

Do you have anything to say

to Mr. Severin?

Yes, Your Honor.

Sorry.

Come on,

he can do better than that.

This is insulting.

I'm hurt.

Excuse me, Your Honor,

but I think the defendant

can do better than that.

Mr. Severin could've suffered

brain damage.

Mr. Berkowitz,

you wanna try that again?

Mr. Berkowitz.

No.

No?

No?

No. Your Honor

there's no way Mr. Severin

could've suffered brain damage

because according to the law,

the way I understand it

it has not been proven in this

courtroom that Mr. Severin,

in fact, has a brain.

Mr. Berkowitz, do not test me

today in my court.

Look at him now, Your Honor.

You can tell by his face.

The look like Donald Trump

banged Alfred E. Neuman

after a night of snorting

thalidomide.

Can he say that to me?

Order in the court.

Mr. Berkowitz, that's enough.

Jackie, that's enough.

Let me talk!

All right.

It isn't about me, Your Honor.

It's about the fate of humanity,

which is in your hands.

Look at him.

He's with that woman.

They were together that night.

What if they breed?

Are you serious?

Objection.

Get him out of here.

Mr. Berkowitz,

you are in contempt.

The people have changed

their mind. No deal.

Take him out of here.

Nassau County Correctional

Facility for 30 days.

Order in the court.

Up the stairs.

All right, gentlemen,

lock it in!

Stop at the top of the landing.

Walk in four feet and stop.

Okay, gentlemen. Ready?

Let's give a warm welcome

to our newest resident.

He's the king of his castle

Eddie's home

Where he's making a scene

Eddie's home

With the kid and Arlene

Eddie's home

Suck my dick, a**hole!

You gonna be my b*tch.

... or he's gonna

Kick your ass

God, it's freezing. Let me

turn on these seat warmers.

Bet you didn't have those

in there.

I came up with some good

stuff in there.

Smart. Good.

I'd try it out on you,

but you never, you know...

You have no sense of humor.

No, I don't.

I've never seen you laugh.

Ever.

No, you haven't.

Why is that?

Can you imagine if I had to be

an audience for all my comics?

"You laughed at his joke,

you didn't laugh at mine."

"You think he's funny.

He's not even that funny."

Forget it.

I just react to no one,

that way everybody feels equal.

So you call

that personal management?

Your father, at least,

had affection for his clients.

Well, affection

his clients didn't have for him.

Got you the TV show,

and you fired him.

No, that was a William Morris

package deal.

Your father understood.

Don't talk to me

about affection.

I'm not talking about affection.

I'm talking about getting work.

You gotta stay in New York

to serve out your sentence,

right?

There are no money gigs

for you here.

You can do club work,

$30 a show.

It will take you 7000 shows

just to pay off your attorney.

I will get you Indian Casino,

Princess Cruise

something like that

in a few months.

But as you know,

they are hiring "Eddie."

I mean, I'm...

I'm hot now. I'm viral.

Take advantage of it.

Your father would've known

how to do that.

"Miller the Killer" I'd call him

because your old man would kill

to get me a gig.

Yeah. Yeah. He loved it

when you called him that.

It killed him when you stopped.

Come on.

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Happy Thanksgiving, baby.

Thanks.

You said you weren't coming.

I flew in last night.

Uh...

Get in the car.

I'll take you to work.

I'm just gonna take the train.

It's freezing.

Get in the f***ing car.

I'm already... No. No.

I'm not gonna take a limo

to the soup kitchen.

I'm not gonna do it.

Goddamn it. Follow us.

Yes, Mr. Schiltz.

Jesus, it's 80 in Boca.

Well, then go home, Dad.

I need you to come back.

That what you wanna hear?

I don't wanna hear anything.

The place doesn't work

the same without you.

Those old people are not happy

because you're not there

to take care of them.

We found something

you're good at.

Why walk away from that?

See. That's what you do.

Don't say things like that.

That's not nice. Don't...

I meant it as a compliment.

It's not a compliment.

How is that a compliment?

You make me seem like

I'm some kind of

problem that needs to be solved.

0Or like I can't figure things...

You are a problem.

I'm not doing this on my block.

But I love you.

That isn't love.

Oh.

My lawyer worked out

an arrangement with the court,

so you can finish

community service in Florida.

You can't do that without me.

You can't do that without me.

What's in New York for you?

You got cheated on.

You got dumped.

So what?

You got arrested.

So what?

These are not signs of success

in this city.

Go home, Dad.

Hey.

A week from Monday's my birthday

and you're having dinner

with me.

No ifs, ands or buts.

You got it? Because

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You gotta be f***ing kidding me.

You make me happy

When skies are gray

Don't sing.

You'll never know, dear

How much I love you

Okay to dinner.

No singing. No more singing.

Please don't take

My sunshine away

And having dinner with me

is not a gift!

I want a gift too!

Here he is.

The prick who came in

from the cold.

Place looks good.

It smells a lot more Jewish

than before.

Heh. Hey, Jay. You know

my famous brother, Jackie Burke?

How you doing?

Hi, Jay.

Probably needs money.

I need to talk to you.

I was right?

Jesus, I was kidding.

Oh.

So you need money?

No, it's fine. I'm fine.

Just doing my community service

over at the Apostles Mission.

I was in the neighborhood.

Thought I'd say hello.

Community service?

I saw the f***ing video.

How could you let a heckler

get to you like that?

It wasn't about the heckling.

It was the goddamn camera.

You know what they were doing?

Trying to use my act

for their show.

Create their show out of my act.

It was crazy.

You looked crazy.

Yeah. So how are you?

I'm good. You?

Good.

I'm good. Look,

the only thing is, I...

I lost a lot of gigs

the last four weeks

because of what happened.

And Miller's re-booking them,

but I'm tapped out.

I need a little...

You know what? You got

a lot of f***ing nerve.

I don't see you.

I don't hear from you.

It happened so fast.

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