The Comedian Page #3

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They take your phone in prison.

I read in Google News

you got arrested.

Like I'm nothing to you.

A lot of naked men.

Am I nothing to you?

I was preoccupied.

Is my family?

- Is that why...?

- Jackie.

Hello, Flo.

How nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving to you.

We haven't seen you

for how long?

Uh, please.

Well, I was in prison.

Oh, no, long before that.

So nice to see you.

Nice to see you too.

Nice to see you.

How are the kids?

Kid.

We have one kid.

She's an adult now.

I forgot. Dementia.

Yeah. Yeah.

She's getting married.

Is she?

Mm-hm.

Brittany's getting married?

I thought she was a dyke.

Mm.

You say "lesbian," a**hole.

Sorry. You're right.

I meant "gay."

They can get married.

You don't have to come.

He doesn't have to come.

We sent you an invitation.

We heard nothing.

I was in prison. I told you.

Before that.

He doesn't have to come

if he's busy.

You don't have to come

if it's too much trouble.

It's not too much trouble.

If it's too much trouble,

don't come.

I don't need the aggravation

if it's trouble for you.

I don't want it

to become a thing.

It's not a thing.

If it's gonna be a thing,

don't bother.

I don't think it's a thing.

It's not a problem.

It's not a thing.

I would love to come.

I'll be there.

It's a week from Sunday.

A week from Sunday?

Yes.

I will be there.

So you wanna stay and have

Thanksgiving dinner?

Not really.

Oh.

I have an excuse though,

and I'll tell you what it is.

I'm working at the mission.

Double the hours off

my sentence for Thanksgiving.

God forbid you do it

because it's nice.

I need to speak to you

when you two are finished.

Not in this house.

Oh, she hates me.

No, she doesn't hate you.

She doesn't?

Yeah, I was f***ing with you.

Of course she hates you.

You never show up

unless you need something.

That's it?

Yeah.

Sensitive b*tch.

None of my wives hated you.

You were never married to any

of them long enough to meet me.

So how much you need?

I don't even remember.

I'm so exhausted.

Pop liked me better.

Daddy did not like you better.

No, he didn't.

No, he didn't.

Five thousand. No big deal.

You know you'll get it back.

"You'll get it back." Yeah,

I'll get it back.

Daddy loved you.

You know that.

He did.

My daughter idolizes

her famous uncle.

You better show up.

Thanks.

And bring a gift.

That's gonna be extra.

Go on.

Growing up, my family celebrated

all the Thanksgiving traditions.

My favorite was

my Uncle Moshit's

telling of

the Thanksgiving story.

Anyway. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

Wow, did Duck Dynasty

get canceled?

Chris Rock, what the f***

are you doing here?

Hey, Chris, I was just telling

my Thanksgiving story.

Uncle Moshit told me that

before the first Thanksgiving

the pilgrims thought

that turkeys were sex objects.

They couldn't fly,

and "gobble-gobble"

was Puritan for "blowj*b."

So when the Indians arrived,

right after

the Macy's Day Parade

they brought turkeys

all trussed up.

They were with cranberry sauce

and gravy and potatoes

and the Pilgrims were like...

They were pissed.

They were like,

"What are they doing?

"They're eating

our f*** birds."

But you know, being Puritans,

they don't wanna be rude.

But you know what?

It turned out

that the turkeys

tasted even better

than going down on their wives!

Yeah!

Would you believe that?

That's the truth.

So, what do you think

the Puritans did?

The Puritans stopped f***ing

the turkeys

and started f***ing

the Indians instead.

That's how we stole

their country

and made the turkey

our national bird.

Supervisor's office?

Uh, there. Yeah.

Up there?

Mm-hmm.

You really are a piece of sh*t,

you know that, George?

Oh, how is it my fault?

How is this my fault?

I didn't it throw at her.

I threw it at you,

and she stepped in the way.

That's on her.

That's not on me.

Who does that? She does.

Are you still seeing her?

Are you with her?

You're not with her.

You're not with her.

I follow you on Instagram,

you moron.

I see what you're doing.

F*** you, George.

Well, f*** you, then!

No, f*** you, George.

No. I am taking

the high road right now.

So are we gonna see

each other again,

or is this over for good?

F*** you.

Goddamn it.

Kevin, you got the keys?

What are you doing?

I'm sorry... I...

Why are you standing there,

listening to a private

conversation?

I wasn't listening.

It's a private conversation.

I wasn't listening. I was...

You can't eavesdrop

on a private conversation.

I wasn't.

They asked me to come up to

have you sign this for my hours.

You want the supervisor.

That's Bobbi.

She's at the store.

Okay.

And I'm allowed to be here.

Sorry.

I didn't say you weren't.

There's no cell service here

but don't say anything

to anyone. Okay?

I won't say a thing.

Believe me.

I will not say a thing.

I just don't wanna be

that guy George.

What do you know about George?

He's a piece of sh*t.

Yeah, he is a piece of sh*t.

You got that right.

Sounds like it.

I know you, right?

You're Jackie Burke.

I am.

My dad used to love

your TV show.

We've watched every episode.

Always nice to meet a fan.

Yeah. Well,

we just had the one TV.

Ah!

What's your name?

Harmony Schiltz.

- Harmony Schiltz?

- Mm-hmm.

Were your parents

in a Nazi barbershop quartet?

Heh. Yeah.

It's always nice

to see women laugh.

Once you can make a woman laugh

then you can make her

do anything,

they say. I don't know

if that's true.

Is that what they say?

It's an old saying.

Like a very, very old saying?

Ooh.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are now beginning the third set

with the terrific Art Blakey

and his Jazz Messengers

from the jazz corner

of the world.

Lee Morgan on trumpet,

Wayne Shorter

on the tenor saxophone

Bobby Timmons on the piano,

Jymie Merritt on the bass.

Soul Brothers on the scene now.

Soul Brothers on the scene now.

Gonna really do a cool one.

Gonna really do a cool one.

How about a nice hand,

everybody, together...

For the one and

only Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers?

Hey, jailbird, what's up?

Hey, Jackie, how's your a**hole?

Can I get you something?

Like a hemorrhoidal donut?

Get Jackie a Chivas

on the rocks.

Buy him a drink,

but you won't book him?

Less risky.

Why?

Because he's out of control.

Too much baggage.

On my way up there,

I saw a group of cops,

six of them, on horses.

Can they do real cop stuff?

Because every time I see them,

they're like:

"Easy. Easy.

"Sure, I'll take a picture."

My parents are immigrants.

They're from Taiwan.

Um, they moved to Texas

when I was a baby.

And, um, I think immigration

is f***ing crazy.

Can you imagine moving

to a completely foreign country

just so your offspring

would have more opportunities?

Then your kid goes

into stand-up comedy.

I'm Puerto Rican, which means

I'm a Mexican with papers.

I was a teenage-pregnancy case.

That's how we do it

in my family.

We have our babies,

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