The Comedian Page #4

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then we get a job,

then we get our periods.

I love New York City, but

there's some attitude here.

A little attitude.

I could never

live anywhere else.

I don't know.

It's a great city,

but, uh, come on

the greatest city in the world?

It's the only place

I've ever been, heh...

"What's that smell?" "Oh, that's

the greatest city in the world."

If the bathroom door's

locked and I got my iPad

you know what I'm doing,

so don't knock please.

It's one of those things.

Breaks the flow.

Like when you're f***ing

and the phone rings

and it's your mother.

Like, why are you calling me?

I'm right next to you.

Oh, I just improved that.

I didn't mean to get blue.

Sorry.

Incest, it's the only thing

that gets people back

at 2 a.m.

We like to think RAW TV

is the progressive

alternative to networks.

She lost me when she said,

"We like to think."

Jackie.

Scared to Death

is the most-watched

new show on basic cable.

Carol Bock

will be right with you.

Thank you.

"Raw" meaning half-baked?

No. Raw as in "rough."

You went viral because you beat

the sh*t out of somebody

that's a plus for them.

Scared to Death.

Maybe I should've

worn my Halloween costume.

Eddie's serving

a 15-year sentence

for beating a heckler to death.

- Where'd that idea come from?

- Guess.

Anyway, he becomes the

convict king of the prison.

He runs everything.

He runs the drugs,

sex, extortion, everything.

Any kind of crime that's in the

prison, he's in control of.

And then the other gang leaders,

the Crips, the Bloods,

the Aryan Nation,

the Mexican Mafia,

they all come to him.

And he's tough,

he's ruthless, but funny.

It's like Breaking Bad

on acid, but funny.

Main thing is...

And pure Jackie Burke.

You'll write?

I'll write the pilot

and I'll punch up

all the scripts.

Our channel's target audience

is 18-24.

He plays to that demo

all the time.

They will eat this up.

You got a title?

Burke on the Block.

I'm open to anything.

You know your audience.

Burke on the Block.

It's funny.

Okay. Great.

I just have to say, Eddie...

God... Sorry.

I mean, Jackie.

It's... No. No worries.

Jackie. I can't believe

I said that.

It's all right. Don't worry.

The idea's delicious.

Your YouTube video,

a lot of hits.

Let me bandy it about

with my posse here.

There's a lot of stuff

to consider.

How much time do you need?

I just have to tell you, Jackie,

you are the reason

I am in television.

In television comedy.

When I was a kid, I remember

laughing so hard at you.

I couldn't wait to grow up.

It is so cool to meet you.

Thank you.

But, listen, the idea

is terrific, and we'll...

Did I hear a "but"?

I thought I heard a "but."

Did we hear a "but"?

There's a lot of butts

sitting here,

but does "but" mean

"Give me some time"?

"Let me think about it"?

"Maybe never"? "Whatever"?

Jackie, "but" is part

of my job description.

But we don't have to go

past "but." It's not necessary.

Time is of the essence.

Not everybody has a lot of time,

especially me "but."

Carol is just explaining

that there's a process...

I know the process.

She's explaining the process.

But the process is

we're not interested, "but."

Thank you, "but."

And I say, so long,

thank you too, "but."

Thanks for coming in.

Thank you.

I will give you a call.

Whoa.

Jackie.

You see her f***ing feet

on that table?

Who does she think she is?

I did.

She is a fan who runs

a cable network.

F***ing b*tch. Yeah.

She had a neon sign on her

forehead that said "no."

There are new executives

out there.

You have to cultivate them.

They say "no" now,

come back with another idea.

Gonna tap dance for

these f***ing idiots

who don't have an ounce

of talent.

They're gonna tell me

what's funny?

Being funny

isn't enough anymore.

Now you're fired.

Jackie! Jackie, come on!

Jackie, please!

It's a little tight on you.

I think you should

get something bigger.

It's the shirt that

makes the man. Right?

You know it.

There you go.

This is you.

This is you.

You're gonna like the way

you look. I guarantee it.

Wait a minute.

You're that guy on TV.

Eddie's Home, right?

How'd you wind up here?

That's a good question.

Here I am. What can I do?

Jail? The slammer?

What happened?

I was and had to

do community service.

Here I am. Stuck.

What am I gonna do?

There you go. See?

You guys are all homeless,

right?

Yeah. Pretty much homeless.

Yeah.

Where are all the bums?

The guys that don't wanna work.

What happens with them?

I'm getting confused.

I want to work

but I don't want any of the jobs

I can actually get.

So I guess you could say, for me

Uh, it's more... Being a bum

is more of a career choice.

- True.

- Gotta do what you gotta do.

That's what I gotta do.

Yeah.

You lie in your own bed,

you sleep in it.

Good advice. I like that.

Where'd you learn that?

An old wives' tale.

Mike, cover for me for a minute.

Yeah.

Okay?

Hi.

Aah! Sh*t.

You keep sneaking up

on me like that.

Why do you keep doing that?

I don't know. It's something

I picked up in prison.

By the way,

I watched that YouTube video

and for what it's worth,

you were absolutely right

to hit that guy in the face

with a microphone.

- Thanks.

- He deserved it.

But my dad's an ex-con,

so I don't know

what kind of judge I am.

How many hours did you get?

A hundred. You?

Two fifty. For what?

Uh, assault.

Me too.

You got a hundred for assault.

Why is that fair?

Why does that make sense?

That makes no sense at all.

Why should a man get less than

a woman? For the same thing.

That makes zero sense.

Not that I mind working here

because I really do love being

here, but that's bullshit.

What'd you do,

get the celebrity discount?

No, they gave me 30 days

in jail.

Next time, don't hit someone

in the head with a microphone.

Yeah. I was provoked.

Well, I was provoked.

I was provoked.

You found him in bed

with somebody?

Yeah. How'd you know?

I've been there. I recognized

the key you were screaming in.

So, what'd you do?

I dislocated his jaw,

accidentally.

Well, what about her?

She put her hand up

to block a very small lamp,

and her wrist broke.

- Oh, okay.

- So.

You know, I'm sorry, I...

I'm sorry I was rude

the other day.

No, I wasn't coming on strong.

I hope you didn't think I was.

I just figured that you

and I are doing time together

so us cons gotta stick together

in a place like this.

Motherf***er.

Motherf***er!

Sh*t!

Oh, okay.

Goddamn it. Sh*t.

Okay. Okay.

Oh.

This is the worst day ever.

This is the shittiest day ever.

I can't catch a f***ing break.

Goddamn it.

Sh*t. I'm sorry.

I don't need... I'm...

You know what?

Let's get a broom.

This is too messy for... We...

It's all right. It's all right.

It's just a bunch of olives.

Hey, look, are you free tonight?

What?

Are you free tonight?

What, like a date? No, I'm not

going on a date with you.

We can call it a date,

or it'll be an appointment,

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