The Comedian Page #5

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doesn't matter.

No date. And I'm not

sleeping with you.

That's not what I wanna do.

I'm not asking you

to sleep with me.

I'm asking you to go on an

appointment with me.

Look, you had a terrible day.

You just said it.

Let me take you to a place.

You might have a nice time.

My life is going great

right now,

so I don't know if you think

my life isn't going great

because I am fine.

I'm perfectly fine.

So I don't need you telling me

that my life isn't going great

but if I have time tonight,

I'll check my calendar

and make sure that I have time.

If I do, then maybe I'll go.

Good. So why don't you come?

Well, what time?

After your shift.

All right.

So I'll check and see

if I'm free,

then I'll meet you

upstairs after work.

I'll be outside just like

the other homeless people.

I'll be on the ground

over there.

Wake me up.

Make sure you wake me up.

So I smell like olives.

Don't worry.

Are you gonna help me

clean this up?

If you go with me,

I'll help you clean it up.

You ever notice that all old

Jewish people have the same face

even when they're saying

something positive?

"It's gorgeous outside.

I'm so grateful I'm healthy."

Are you sure you're okay?

You look like sh*t.

I went to visit

my grandmother recently,

and all these old Jewish women

sit around and play mah-jongg

and all sound like little bees

when they talk.

You know, they hunch over:

salmon.

Anyway, so I go to find her,

and she's not there

and I go up to her friend Rona

and I said, "Rona, do you know

where my grandmother is?"

She goes "I don't know, darling,

"but I'll let her know

you're looking for her.

Trust fund."

Anyway, so...

I walk away, and

I hear her yell out

in the middle of the card room:

"That's Bee Fobman's

granddaughter.

"she's a lesbian magician."

You know what I did?

I f***ed her

and made her disappear.

Isn't that amazing?

You guys are awesome.

Don't clap.

It'll never fill the hole.

Look who's here. Oh, my God.

It's Jackie Burke.

Jackie Burke's in the crowd.

That is... I have not seen

you in so long.

Isn't it adorable

when celebrities bring

their hookers to the club?

Isn't that amazing?

Isn't that awesome?

What did he do to get you here?

Uh, ha-ha-ha.

That he would buy me an ass...

Ice-cream cone.

"Ass cream" is amazing.

That's so cute.

I tasted ass cream,

and it is so delicious.

There's all kinds of flavors.

What kind of flavor ass cream

would you get if you...?

You need to be careful

because those sprinkles

will be roofies.

Trust me, I know. I was

very sore after that night.

You're giving

away my secret, Jess.

After everything

I've done for you.

I was there when you were

starting out as a young man.

I always had a

bigger dick though.

I did. Always.

No, you don't.

No, you don't.

Wait, wait. You know what, Jess?

You're right. Your cock is huge.

So I wanna tell you

guys something.

It's so good to see Jackie.

Because Jackie is

really my mentor.

I was opening for him

one night...

I mean, comedy.

I was opening comedy.

Yeah. We did a Jewish

country-club gig.

No. It was Italian.

No. It wasn't Italian.

It was Jewish. They were Jews.

I went in the men's room.

Believe me, it was Italian.

A lot of calzones.

Give him a hand.

He's incredible.

My pleasure.

You suck in bed,

but you're such a great guy

and a great comic.

That was amazing. That was

so much fun. I feel like I'm high.

You were so funny. That was...

You're so much funnier

than Eddie.

You're so quick, and, like,

do you come up with all

that on the spot?

Eh, sometimes. Yeah.

That was good. Thank you.

Are you free on Sunday?

Uh, no. I'm not.

I don't...

No, no. I have a wedding

that I have to go to.

My niece's wedding.

I don't wanna go...

I don't wanna go alone.

I thought, maybe, if you went,

you could be my wingman.

We could have a few laughs.

Okay.

Really?

Yeah.

You're free on Sunday?

Yeah.

What, you have no life?

But you have to do me a favor.

What's that?

My dad's birthday's

on Monday, and...

he asked me for a birthday gift,

and you're it.

Do I have to?

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

Deal?

Deal.

Ha-ha-ha. Okay.

That was fun.

I loved that.

Thank you.

I appreciate you doing this.

Remember, this is family.

I need 20 more cases

of champagne.

Ah, Mr. Jackie Burke.

Your brother asked me

to wait for you.

It's already started.

Come on. Hurry.

They haven't done the

glass-breaking yet, have they?

The glass-breaking part

is my favorite part.

The ceremony was an hour ago.

We are about to present

the brides.

Sh*t.

Ahem. Uh, nice dress.

Too bad they didn't have it

in your size.

How do you get in and out

of that thing, huh?

None of your business.

Come on.

Everybody, inside.

Inside now.

Please.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's my honor

to present to you the newlyweds.

Spouses for life.

Everybody stand up.

Stand up.

And for their first dance,

they've prepared

something special for you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey

We dream the same thing

We want the same thing

Oh...

We dream the same thing

We want the same thing

Here is my case

We've got no time to waste

'Cause we want

The same thing

Come on, guys!

We're started a war

But we don't know what for

'Cause we want

The same thing

I know we're different now

Different as night and day

But still want you

I just want you to stay

I want to take this chance

I want to be with you

Hey, you came.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

This is my brother,

Jimmy. Harmony.

Hi.

Oh.

You never cease to amaze me.

Very nice.

This is my wife, Florence.

Hi.

This is Harmony,

Jackie's friend.

Congratulations.

Thanks for having me. Mm-hmm.

Nice to meet you,

and thank you for coming.

Ah! Uncle Jackie!

Oh, my God, you came.

Uncle Jackie,

this is my wife, Frankie.

Nice to meet you.

Congratulations.

Hi.

Welcome to our family.

You can come meet our friends.

Meet our friends.

Come on. Guys, guys.

This is my Uncle Jackie.

This is such a nice wedding,

and your daughter,

she's beautiful.

Beautiful dress.

Kleinfeld's.

And Frankie has a different one.

Yeah.

They're partners, not twins.

Flo, Flo.

Have you known Jackie long?

How did you meet?

I picked him up at

the homeless shelter.

Florence, Florence. Florence.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Come on. You

gotta make us laugh.

Please. That

would be so great.

You're gonna say a few words,

right?

I'm just here as a guest.

Oh, please. Come on.

It would be so great.

Ask your parents.

I don't wanna deal with a...

We don't want it

to become a thing.

He doesn't want to.

He's a guest.

If she's gonna make

a thing out of it,

then it's gonna be a disaster.

No. For me, for me.

You gotta. Please? For us.

Come on. It's my wedding.

Okay.

Thank you!

Come on, guys.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Come on. Let's go.

No, no.

Oh, come on.

I'm coming down with something.

You're not coming down

with something.

I get nervous up there.

Dizzy.

I get dizzy.

To dance?

Come on. Come on.

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