The Comedian Page #6

---

Come on.

Come on, you. You chicken!

Come on.

No. I don't do physical comedy.

You dance.

I'm gonna take her.

Take her. Don't steal her.

Take me.

Come on. Come on.

Woo-hoo!

Dance with me, beautiful.

Who's the shiksa?

Dance.

You should be worried, Jackie.

Please. Everyone stand back.

Are you all right?

Are you okay?

Inhale. Exhale.

Hey.

Hey, let go.

It's not my heart we are worried

about. Get up, you old letch.

Okay. Come on.

Nothing all at, babe

Look into my eyes can't you

See they're open wide?

Would I lie to you, baby

Would I lie to you?

That was fun.

Yeah. Well,

you're having a good time.

You should've done it.

You're not sick.

- Ooh. Little shits.

- Don't push me!

No maternal instinct?

No. My maternal instinct

kicks in when I'm 70.

When you're 70?

Were you ever married?

No. Uh-huh.

No?

Never...?

Seems very unusual that a girl

like you is not attached.

I've been attached.

It's just never stuck.

You have more questions?

Hi, can I have your attention,

everybody?

Thank you.

Brittany.

Frankie and I wanna welcome you

- all here tonight.

- We love you, Frankie.

You can't imagine how happy

I am you all came to share

this day with us.

She seems nice.

I don't know her that well.

You may have noticed my uncle,

Jackie Burke, is here.

Some of you may recognize him

as Eddie from Eddie's Home.

Eddie!

But I've known him

my whole life.

I still remember him teaching

me dirty jokes as a kid.

Before I could say "Dada,"

I could say "caca."

He taught me the B word,

the S word,

the F word.

Yeah, all of them.

She already knew the C word.

She picked it up on her own.

But, seriously,

it means so much to me

that he's here today

after way too many years.

So please give a warm welcome

to my Uncle Jackie.

Careful up there.

We're outnumbered.

He'll say a few words.

Jackie Burke!

So happy he came.

Here we go.

Thank you, honey.

You know, it's a...

It's an honor being here

to celebrate Brittany

and Frankie's wedding.

Frankie, right? Not Butch?

How long till the divorce?

Same-sex divorce

is the latest thing, you know?

What the f***

is this place anyway?

The Titanic?

What is this?

Look at these f***ing

chandeliers.

Jesus.

These chairs aren't tall enough.

What's this?

And I wanna thank...

Seriously, I wanna thank

Flo and Jimmy for inviting me

to this beautiful occasion.

- Yeah. Thanks for coming.

- Really is.

And all the other family members

many of whom

I thought were dead.

Most of whom hoped I were dead.

Oh, boy. Nobody can f***

you up like family.

That's for sure.

We're in trouble.

He knows.

You know,

I had a troubled childhood.

My father molested my brother.

Jimmy, I'm just telling

one little story.

Here we go.

Not good.

My father molested

my little brother,

and the bastard

never even touched me.

Never even looked at me.

Do you know what it's like

growing up feeling unwanted?

Knowing that your father

doesn't find you

attractive enough to fondle?

I mean, was it so terrible...?

Would it have been so terrible

if he just played

with my dick a little?

Just stroked it? You know,

wiggled it a little? Something.

He didn't do anything.

I felt terrible.

I was so rejected.

Anyway.

I know we're supposed to

pretend there's nothing wrong

or unusual about this event

tonight,

just another middle-class

Jewish wedding. Right?

No. Wrong.

So can I address the

800-pound gorilla in the room?

And that would be...

Flo.

Flo, how did you let

this happen?

Can't be Jimmy's fault.

What have you done

to my poor little brother?

He was 6 feet tall

when you got married.

Oh, and now Brittany.

Oh, no.

You were so concerned

about her growing up

to be a Jewish American

princess,

you didn't even notice

that she was turning out to be

a Jewish American prince.

Ooh!

The shame that she brought

all of us...

Will you stop this?

By marrying a non-Jew.

- Well, that's me.

- What did you do, Flo?

God have mercy on you.

I'm gonna f***ing kill you

when we get home.

I have my own special gift

to present to the newlyweds.

I've been doing volunteer work

down at the mission,

for the homeless.

He was in jail.

They don't like

to be called "bums" anymore.

And they were so moved

when I told them about

Brittany and Frankie's

reproductive challenges

that they all wanted to help.

So they all got together,

each one

and they all contributed

to making a very significant

a very thoughtful,

a very useful gift:

a pint of semen.

- Thanks, boys. Give them a hand.

- Disgusting.

They've worn theirs out.

Oh, my gosh.

Just stop this.

Uncle Jackie would've added

a dash and a splash of his own

but that would be incest,

heh, and incest,

you know, is even worse

than being gay.

Boos, really?

Flo likes it.

Apparently, Brittany and I share

the same weakness

for wanting to bang beautiful

young women.

And yet she turned out to be

so normal

and I turned out to be

so f***ed up.

- How did that happen?

- You got that right.

I don't know.

Maybe it's because

I never met a woman

like Frankie,

and maybe it's because

I never found a love

and happiness

that Brittany and Frankie

have found with each other.

- Mm.

- Aw.

Whoo!

Come on. Let's make a run for it

before they lynch us.

I've never seen anything

like that.

Me neither.

You just can't help yourself,

can you?

This low-life motherfucking

brother of yours.

Takes a dump

at our kid's wedding,

and that's all you're gonna say?

What do you want me to say?

We let him up there.

You know what he does.

Heh, uh, Brittany asked him

to be Jackie Burke,

so I don't know why

you're yelling at him.

Who the f*** are you

to talk to me like that?

Whoa... Flo...

Who invited you

with your no-underwear dress?

- This is not...

- Go. Please.

What the f*** is your problem?

I don't have a problem.

Don't yell at me.

Don't comment on my dress.

Look at your f***ing dress.

My dress is beautiful.

It's time to cut the cake.

F*** you.

F*** you back.

F*** you back. F*** you back.

It's time to cut the cake.

It's time to cut the cake.

You're lucky

I don't get my brothers

to cut your nut sack off

before you hit the tunnel!

What's the problem?

The kids loved it.

Come on. Let me at him.

Come on. Let me at him.

Stupid b*tch!

You're the mother...

Oh, shut up!

Let me go.

I'll see you again,

in hell, motherf***er!

You are a beast!

Okay. Just calm down.

"You're lucky my brothers

don't cut your nut sack off

"before you get to the tunnel."

Ha-ha.

She's a nut case.

She's amazing. I love her.

That's what I get

for doing something nice

for my brother's kid.

That was so much fun.

Family.

Tomorrow night's your turn.

Hi.

Hi.

Thanks for doing this.

No problem.

You okay?

Mm-hmm.

You look beautiful.

You know this joint's famous.

In '85, Big Paulie Castellano

got whacked right here

on this sidewalk.

Yeah. Paulie was a friend

of my dad's.

Uh-oh.

I'm taking you with me.

Hi.

That's him right there.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes