The Comedian Page #7

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Oh, you're with Mr. Schiltz.

Whoa.

Heh.

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

Is this who I think it is?

Is it Eddie?

I think it's Eddie,

but it's Jackie.

It's Eddie. My baby.

Boy, you did it this time.

What a birthday surprise.

"Arlene."

Thank you.

Thank you, Eddie,

for all the countless

laughs. Thank you.

Happy birthday.

And I just wanna...

It's Jackie, by the way.

I've enjoyed you so much.

Look at that punim.

Look at it.

In fact, so much, I can do you.

I can.

You can?

Did she tell you?

No. No.

Yeah. He can do you.

I've been doing you

in the bathroom

and at parties for decades.

You must have

a better manager than I do.

Sit. Sit.

Sit.

Gino. Ring the register.

Eddie's here.

Copy that, Mr. Schiltz.

Jesus, I don't believe this.

What a birthday present.

What are you drinking?

Chivas on the rocks.

For you?

My baby drinks martinis.

Hey.

How about giving us one big

"Arlene, where are you?"

Do it. Come on.

Dad. No.

Do I have to?

Yeah. For my birthday.

Come on. Please.

Come on.

I don't wanna do it.

Come on. Once.

Dad, don't.

Huh?

Hey, I don't expect anyone

to work for free.

No, no, no.

No, what are you doing? No.

What?

Sorry. No.

Put it away. Don't do that.

Put what?

Sorry.

No. You misunderstand.

Eddie, I don't mean to

embarrass you.

I'll tell you what.

Let me do it.

Let me do you.

I got you down.

I'll pay you not to.

That's funny

but you don't wanna get into

a pissing contest

with me about money.

Come on, let's have some fun.

This is me respecting you.

You're my favorite.

"Arlene, whose vibrator,

heh, is this?

"Did you take the batteries out

of the smoke alarm again?"

Okay. Show's over.

Thank you.

Sure.

Cheers. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Mac.

Thank you, Eddie.

- Jackie.

- Mm.

How was my timing?

Give me some input.

Aah! Whoo!

I thought you were me

for a second.

Try doing it while drinking

a glass of water.

- Have a drink.

- God, you were great.

- You were great.

- Drink some more.

It'll make it easier. Heh.

So how did you two meet?

We do our community

service together

down at the Apostle Soup

Kitchen.

Oh. Right.

You don't have

to worry about that anymore.

I got them to transfer

your hours to Florida.

I thought we talked about that.

Remember?

Uh-huh.

Because I'm not sure

if I wanna go back.

But you don't know

where you wanna go.

She's always been such

a mamzer. Aah!

I'm at the table.

I'm still sitting here.

Here at the table.

It's done. I chartered a plane.

We're leaving tomorrow.

Noon. Teterboro.

What's in Florida?

I own this retirement community

in Delray Beach.

We help the elderly to live out

their lives with some dignity.

I'd like to pass through

this dinner with some dignity.

Shha...

She's great with the old people.

She's got a magic touch.

Well, she's a wonderful person.

It's okay, honey.

When you come back from Florida,

we'll find our place to live.

What?

We're moving in together.

Is it okay if I call you "Dad"?

You're a funny man,

but this is my daughter.

Yeah, I know.

Every daughter has a mother

every mother has a daughter.

The girl that left before

probably has a grandmother

or a grandfather.

Harmony's my daughter.

She's not the punch line

for somebody's jokes.

And when you look at my daughter

and the way she's looking

at you...

I'm not.

What are you talking about?

I wanna know your expectations.

My expectations?

Expectations.

Yeah.

To f*** her brains out.

After that, we'll see.

Mm.

You know,

I'm a sucker for an honest man.

And I'm a sucker for a girl

that has daddy issues.

Okay.

So you go to the bar,

and I'll meet you there

in a minute.

Sure. It's been

a terrific crowd.

Nice to meet you, Pops.

Happy birthday.

Don't tell me you're

interested in that schmuck.

Okay. If you had

listened at all

and shut your mouth

for one second,

you would know that I wasn't

interested in him at all.

Oh.

But you don't ever shut up.

You don't ever shut up.

You're unbelievable.

Where are you going?

Unbelievable. I'm leaving.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

He's an a**hole. Let him go.

You are.

I'll take care of him.

You're not gonna

take care of him. No.

You're being the a**hole.

Don't embarrass me like

that in front of people.

That's humiliating.

I humiliated you?

That was humiliating.

Don't talk about me like

that in front of people.

- Where's your self-respect?

- I have self-respect.

I am not doing this in

a restaurant with you.

Go.

I'll see you at Teterboro.

Happy birthday.

Ah, come on.

I need about 10 drinks.

Arlene.

Arlene.

- That was good.

- Was that good?

That was good. Very good.

You should've seen the look

on your face when Mac said,

"Arlene... Arl..."

Wait. Wait.

- Uh, wait. What?

- Arlene.

Welcome.

Wow. This is nice.

If you don't get murdered on

the street before you get in.

Heh, they're artists.

Not murderers.

You want some bourbon?

Sure. Sure.

I think these artists got guns.

Heh.

Sure you wanna leave?

I have to.

I'm on parole.

I can't fight my dad

and his expensive lawyer.

I don't have that kind of money.

I'm moving to

the Sunshine State.

You want some?

Make it a double.

I'm gonna be up all night

packing all this stuff.

Why pack now?

Relax. Here.

Cheers.

I mean, I think Florida

will be good.

I love working

with the elderly people.

They like me,

and I'm good at it.

And it seems like Florida

has a lot to offer.

Yeah. Like what?

Besides skin cancer.

You know what I loved?

I loved that you pissed off

Mac tonight. That was great.

He's a difficult person.

I can see that. I mean...

But you gotta tell him back.

You gotta talk back to him.

Talk back to him?

Yeah. Talk back.

And say?

You gotta say:

"Dad, don't talk to me that way.

"Stop this.

Stop being crazy."

Yeah. Right.

He'll listen

and respect you.

No, he won't.

He might be upset,

but he'll respect you.

Can you imagine?

Yeah. He's a good listener.

And your mother?

My mother, she...

My mother...

Ahem, this is a true story.

My mother, when I was 4,

went to the market

and then she never came home.

Really, she never came home?

Never came home.

And Mac never explained

what happened.

I don't...

Why would she do that?

You were 4 years old.

And, you know,

it wasn't your fault.

Yeah.

Well, she was married

to your father.

I met the guy for

15, 20 minutes,

and I wanted to leave.

You think that's why

she didn't come back?

Well, I know that's why.

Heh, maybe.

I mean, your father's a prick,

but at the same time,

your father's there.

You know, I...

In...

When I was a lot younger, I was

not around a lot,

and I wasn't there for my son.

You had a son?

Yeah.

Well, I had one son,

and he died. He passed away.

Hmm, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Ah, it was an overdose.

His mother and I

weren't there for him.

It was a toxic relationship.

I was always on the road.

Probably avoiding

the whole situation.

I was young.

I was stupid.

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