The Comedian Page #8

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I can't give an excuse.

I have no reason to say anything

except that I was wrong.

And I didn't accept

the responsibility.

I didn't do

what I should've done.

You know? And what do I do?

I make jokes about it.

I'm a comedian.

I make a joke about

horrible "mother-wife"

jokes.

How do you...?

What do you mean?

Well, I tell

these f***ing jokes.

You know, these horrible

my-wife-is-a-b*tch jokes.

What's a horrible

mother and wife?

No. I don't wanna do it.

Why not? Why not? Come on.

Wait. What? Tell me. Here.

Come on. Okay. Stand up.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jackie Burke.

Okay. Go.

Okay.

Okay. What do you

want me to do?

What do you wanna do?

You know what I wanna do.

Heh.

So, what do I have to do

to get what I wanna do?

I don't know.

It depends how funny you are.

Ladies and gentlemen,

did you hear about

the daddy's girl

who had sex with

a 67-year-old comedian?

Are you only 67?

I thought you were 70.

No. No,

but I do wear a diaper.

Oh, cute. That's sexy.

Can you help me change it?

Hmm.

Come sit down.

Come here.

I got out of that one.

Ha-ha.

This is not what I wanna

be doing. Stand-up tonight.

You're really good.

You're really funny,

and you're really cute.

This is just something

I wanna do. Okay?

It doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't? Oh.

Well, then you have to be gentle

because it's my first time.

Heh.

And you're not gonna

spend the night.

I'm not?

No.

What am I supposed to do,

leave my dick here

and pick it up in the morning?

Chow mein?

F*** you.

"F*** you."

That's good too.

Hold it. Thank you.

Good afternoon, Friar Crystal.

Good to see you.

Nice to see you.

Jackie. You're out.

Billy.

I'm out, heh.

Yeah. Good, heh.

Oh, uh...

Must've been strange, huh?

Interesting.

Yeah.

Maximum security, I'm guessing.

Yeah.

Really?

Kind of.

Roommate?

Yeah.

You're blushing.

I found love.

He's a lucky guy.

All that rain must be tough

on your ankle bracelet, huh?

Heh.

I'm just kidding.

I'm glad you're out.

I'm glad you're doing okay.

Take care of yourself. Yeah.

You too.

Yeah.

Work that jab.

Yeah. Right, a**hole.

Ha-ha.

What a schmuck.

Hey, look who's here.

Hey.

Hey, look who it is.

It's Jackie boy.

Jackie.

It's the man.

Gentlemen.

You still funny?

No. I'm doing

your jokes now, Dick.

I heard you're having

a rough time.

Anything we can do, we're here.

I appreciate that, D'Angelo.

Sure, if I need syphilis,

I'll let you know.

We still holding a grudge?

No. Are you still

doing my jokes, Dick?

Only the good bits.

Good. Because I'm still

doing your ex-wife.

Some things never change.

Chivas on the rocks, drop of

water for Mr. Burke, please.

I thought I fired you.

I've got a possible gig.

Great.

What do I have to do,

dress up as Eddie for

a children's birthday party?

Do you want a job,

or do you want to be a**hole?

Do I have to choose?

So I'm the treasurer here.

We had a big meeting last night.

We're having a tribute

for May Conner February 1st.

It's gonna be a big event.

TV special.

Network thinks they're gonna

pull 7 million viewers.

May Conner.

Love her.

So D'Angelo is responsible

for the programming.

He's calling all the shots.

And as of right now,

it's overbooked.

Is Billy doing it?

He's not available.

We're hoping that changes.

And if that changes,

it's not overbooked for him.

No. Billy Crystal

is royalty.

You are not even a member

anymore, Jackie.

You can't show up

every once in a while

and expect to be on the dais.

Okay?

You have got to rejoin.

Kiss the ring, please.

Just this once.

What a f***ing sh*t

world this is.

Hey, Dick, do you have a minute?

Okay. Okay.

Listen, I want a good spot

on the rotation.

I don't wanna go after him.

This f*** will steal

every joke I have.

You want a spot

on May's tribute?

Yeah. Miller mentioned it.

Actually,

I'd be honored to do it.

She's a barely-living legend.

Funny. Well, I'm not

saying for sure

it's overbooked now,

but, uh, anything is possible.

Pretty please, Dick?

Miller told me you're

thinking about rejoining.

If you did,

that would go a long way,

but since I'm also head of

the membership committee,

I need to ask you

a serious question.

Is your parole officer

joining the club with you?

Because I can get you

a couple's membership.

Funny.

You did good. That wasn't

so bad now, was it?

I need a power wash.

Hi, it's Harmony.

Leave a message.

Hey, Harmony,

how are you? It's me.

Everything okay?

I haven't heard from you.

The boys at the mission

are asking about you.

Tell Mac I said, "Arlene".

Okay. Get back to me.

Ms. Conner, how many

husbands did you really have?

Husbands? I can't remember.

Were there five of them

or seven?

Okay, everybody, we're

gonna take five. Thank you.

Can we take a break with

the pictures? I need a martini.

May. Jackie Burke.

- Hey, kid.

- How you doing?

What an honor it is to be

ripping you a new one

in the name of such

a worthy cause.

You mind if I smoke?

I don't care if you burn.

I always loved that line.

I loved Gleason.

Oh, Gleason loved me.

He loved my tits.

Oh. We all loved

your tits.

May, I don't think

you can smoke inside.

I'm 95. If I wanna smoke

or piss on the sidewalk

or say the N word,

I'm f***ing gonna do it.

Yeah.

The world today,

so goddamn serious

about everything.

Exactly. Exactly.

I'm going to the bar. Okay?

What do you want?

Martini, one olive, like always?

God bless you.

Okay.

Who was that?

All right, everyone. Let's

salute our honored guest.

May? May, listen to me,

okay?

Uh, I'm your friend.

Okay?

It's over.

You're finished. Finito.

Your movies are on

the History channel.

And your movies?

What movies?

You aren't in any movies.

You tell him, May!

All joking aside...

Oh, what jokes?

She told you, Dick.

Hey, go get them, May.

You, truly, are one of

the greatest talents

in this business.

What can I say?

You're a barely-living legend.

I mean...

I mean, quite honestly,

I'm amazed you're

still sitting up.

Okay. That's enough, Dick.

Wake up, people.

The "whatever-happened-to"

portion of the evening

is officially over.

Go back to sleep.

Go to hell.

Or do you need your parole

officer's permission?

"Parole officer" this.

Come on,

get the f*** out of here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome back

to the Friars Club,

Jackie Burke,

also known as Eddie,

also known as prisoner

9-4-2-8-2-8.

Jailbird!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I did a little time.

But my 30 days is nothing

compared to the hard time

you just served listening

to this guy, D'Angelo.

Give him a hand.

Now let's get to the main event.

Looking great, May!

May...

Yeah, May.

Oh, May.

We've heard a lot about your

many accomplishments tonight

but no one's really talked about

how tough it was for you

starting out.

It was tough.

It was tough.

You tell me about it.

I know how tough it was.

- Tell me about it.

- All right.

Today, you can get by

just by blowing the director.

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