The Comedian Page #9

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But, God, when I think of

the things that you had to do.

I did.

But whatever you did worked

because you played

some of the most iconic

roles in the history of film.

And I, Jackie Burke,

was with you all the way.

All the way

All the way

When you played the title role

in The Battleship Potemkin,

I was one of the sailors

you took on.

Remember me?

I came in your porthole.

Then we were reunited.

Who could ever forget

when we were together

in the original

Poseidon Adventure?

You as the Poseidon.

Me as the cabin boy.

You were the cabin boy.

You know. You remember.

Remember my audition?

Yeah.

Yes, and you got the part.

And I went down with the ship.

Yes, May Conner,

you chewed a lot of scenery

in your time.

I certainly did.

And swallowed.

Star,

philanthropist, Oscar winner,

and record holder for

f***ing more young boys

than the entire Los Angeles

Archdiocese.

You are really something.

Jackie. Stop.

It's okay, May.

It's okay.

Don't worry.

D'Angelo's not coming back.

He's just touching you now,

but he's gonna go away.

May?

Seriously, May?

An orgasm now?

What's happening?

- Oh, my God.

- Is she all right?

May, you okay?

- Give her some water.

- No, no, no.

Get a doctor.

May...

Somebody do something.

I'm not sure if this is...

Is there a doctor in the house?

Seriously. We need a doctor.

Come up here immediately.

- Don't block these aisles.

- Call a medic!

Stay in your places.

Somebody...

Get her back. Get her back.

Somebody, aspirin.

Get some aspirin.

Get the defibrillator!

Wow, you killed.

Should someone call 911?

I didn't get to my best stuff.

Three-time Oscar winner

and six-time Emmy winner,

May Conner, suffered

a fatal heart attack

on stage at 11:
00 tonight

at the Edison Ballroom.

The 95-year-old Conner

was taken by ambulance

to Mt. Sinai Hospital

where she was pronounced

dead on arrival.

The legendary

actress-comedienne

was the honoree at tonight's

Friars Club Tribute.

New York One's Jaime Puckett

was there and spoke afterward

with Friars Abbot Dick D'Angelo.

We lost a great one

tonight. I'm, uh,

devastated.

May and I were more than just...

Fans all over the world

will be mourning.

She was, truly,

America's Queen of Comedy.

Family members requested

that the Friars

cancel the broadcast

and, of course, we agreed.

So nothing in New York.

Nothing in the tristate area.

We have three offers

for appearances.

In Wisconsin

is a Democratic fundraiser.

Wisconsin in February?

Next.

Then a three-day master-comedy

class seminar at SOAS College.

What's SOAS College?

It's in London.

The last one you're not gonna

like but it pays the most.

It's a television-classics

autograph convention

in West Palm Beach doing Eddie.

What are the Democrats paying?

Three thousand, plus expenses.

The Republicans would pay

a lot more,

but who wants to do it for them?

So, what about London?

Five thousand,

but you pay for your ticket.

What about Florida?

Twenty-five thousand,

plus expenses.

I gotta take that.

Yeah.

For you.

Hey, here's your number seven.

Hold the Russian dressing.

What are you doing after work?

She deserted you?

No, she's gonna come back.

Cool it, Casanova.

Mrs. Berkowitz...

- Excuse me?

- I'll get the number seven.

You got 30 days, I got life.

Does she know?

About the money?

Yes.

Gonna take a while

to pay you back.

No. She knows,

and we both agree,

we don't want you

to pay us back.

What does that mean?

You can't...

What it means is I don't

have to do this anymore.

You understand?

I'm through with this.

I'm done with this.

You don't come back anymore

and ask for anything ever again.

What are you so mad about?

I'm not mad.

But people don't change.

People never change.

They are what they are,

and that's that.

What is this?

You see how it is with her?

Like, you've become a thing.

Oh, I'm a thing now?

You're a thing, I can't take it,

I can't do it anymore.

I can't take the aggravation.

I don't know what to say.

I'm so f***ing aggravated.

I'm trying to get

something going here.

By the way, I thought you killed

at the wedding. You killed.

You smashed. You knocked it

out of the park.

It was... I had fun doing it.

Brittany loved it.

She was never happier.

Oh, good.

Well, that's good.

That's what it's all

about, for her?

If you're ever playing

anywhere, you let me know.

I'll come, we'll have a beer.

Okay. That, I appreciate.

Okay?

Yeah.

See you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

So, what's it gonna be?

Wisconsin, London or Florida?

Wow, what a beautiful audience.

I wanna say before we start,

I've been looking forward

to this performance

more than any other

because being here with you

makes me feel alive.

Somebody hold me

Too close

Sing along

if you know the words.

Somebody hurt me

Too deep

Somebody sit in my chair

Chair, heh.

And put me to sleep

And make me aware

Of being alive

Being alive

Somebody need me too much

Somebody know me too well

Somebody pull me up short

And put me through hell

And give me support

For being alive

Make me alive

Make me confused

What is that?

Look who's here.

The laugh-a-minute.

What the f***

are you doing here?

I just came by to say hello.

Passing through.

Oh, could you say goodbye?

Ah, just calm down.

It's okay. I'm just visiting.

Don't let the door hit you

in the ass on the way out.

Eddie. Is that you?

Aren't you Eddie

from Eddie's Home?

I'm such a fan of yours.

No. No. It's okay.

Oh, I love it. I just love you.

Alive

Thank you!

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you so, so much.

- That was sweet.

- Thank you so, so much.

- Thank you so much. You know...

- It's nice.

It isn't often enough

that we take the time

to hear the stories and listen

to the wisdom of our elders.

So I wanna come down

and get to know

some of you wonderful people.

Let's start with you,

young lady.

What's your name?

Adele.

Hello, Adele. Tell us

a little about yourself.

Uh, I was a gym teacher

for 42 years.

- Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

- Gym teacher.

- I'm gonna tell everybody.

- You look terrific.

See him? Eddie.

Why are you here?

What do you mean?

What are you doing here?

I'm here.

I just told your father.

What, is Alzheimer's contagious?

Your punch lines

for us are over.

Can you give us a sec?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you so, so much.

Let's go over here.

What's your name, miss?

- Look. Look who's there.

- I am Miriam.

Huh? Heh.

Eddie.

Well, I was a dancer.

I was on Broadway once.

Eddie.

Heh, Broadway star.

What's new, Esther?

I can't believe Eddie's here.

Can I have your autograph?

Why did you show up

without calling?

Well, I didn't.

I called you before

and you never answered me.

You never got back to me once.

I thought I'd come say hello

since I was down here.

Go out there, big shot.

They want you.

I'm not f***ing going

out there. You go.

Come on. You're an entertainer.

Give them what they want.

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