The Comedian Page #10

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Come on.

You do it, buddy.

You go up and do it.

Heh.

Yeah, but you can't

just show up here.

I just came here for business.

A convention.

You had a convention?

I'm going to a convention.

Ahem, you're just...

Well, you should've

called and not...

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

After I left those messages,

so many messages,

you didn't call me once.

You...

I texted you, you didn't

answer the text.

No. Really,

I've just been so busy.

Okay. I understand that,

but I'm here now.

Thought I'd take you to dinner.

How about tomorrow night?

That's fine. Just call

before you show up like that.

Okay. Let's have a

hand for Devin O'Connor.

Thank you.

Good job, honey.

Great performance.

Folks, I've got a really

big surprise for you now.

Just in from New York...

Oh, no.

Television star...

This guy.

And personal friend,

Eddie from Eddie's Home.

That's right.

Eddie from Eddie's Home.

Don't go out there. No.

This is not your crowd.

They don't like comedy.

Let's bring him up here.

If you want to, you can,

but it's not a good idea.

Now your father's

my best friend.

Yes. Can you believe it?

Thank you. Thank you.

Happy to be here.

Happy to be here. And I wanna

thank my new best friend,

Mac Schiltz.

Only he knows how close

we really are.

Okay, Miriam, you're a dancer?

Yeah.

Come sit on my lap.

I'll spin you around

like a dreidel.

That was a Jewish joke.

My mother was a dancer.

She worked

at a gentleman's club.

She was a lap dancer.

You imagine how hard

it was for me to nurse?

Is that supposed to be funny?

It was supposed to be funny.

- You didn't like that?

- Well...

Would you like

me to do it another way?

Like that?

That's not funny to you?

What kind of dancer were you?

I was a chorus girl.

A chorus girl.

I always wanted to bang

a chorus girl.

Join the club.

Oh, good comeback.

You're a good sport, Miriam.

I like that.

Let's do a threesome,

me, you and Adele.

How about that?

She was a gym teacher,

so she'll do all

the heavy lifting.

Probably a dyke.

That doesn't matter.

What's with these guys here?

What's this group?

You look like a street

gang or something.

Yeah. That's us.

What's your name?

Herman.

Herman.

With a name like that,

you must have got laid a lot.

I recognize you.

I remember.

I see you prowling all

the discos and clubs here.

There's a lot of them in this

part of the world. Good for you.

What about your porn?

You guys have a porn collection?

Who's got the best p*ssy shots?

Bernie.

Bernie.

Yeah.

Now listen, I'm curious.

Are you a breast man or tit man?

Leg man? Ass man?

Whatever else?

Tuchuses.

Tuchuses?

Yes.

Have you met Adele,

the gym teacher?

Oh, yeah.

I know you two must have

been f***ing each other

for a couple of years.

She used to be able

to climb up a rope

with just her ass.

Oh, no.

Whoa!

Adele, I found a live one.

No.

I think he's alive, hold on.

Yeah. He's alive.

Still ticking.

Where you going?

Hey, hey, fellow.

Rip Van Winkle.

My name is Benjamin.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Benjamin,

what do you have to do,

number one or number two?

Uh-oh. Heh.

- Number three.

- Oh, heh.

Number three?

Yeah.

Wow, Number three.

The big Mac Schiltz special.

Are you sure? I think you

already did something there.

You know, I...

Looks like you did

number six there.

Jesus, or maybe

it's up to eight.

Okay. I see you all like

bathroom humor

which is good because

that's what I like.

We're all thinking alike.

Look, I'm gonna do a song,

and I'm gonna change

the lyrics slightly.

So I think we'll have a little

fun with that. It's called...

Well, you've all heard

the song "Makin' Whoopee"?

So I'm just gonna

change it a little,

and when I point to you,

you go, "Not making poopie."

- Can we do that?

- Okay.

One, two, three.

Let's try it now:

Not makin' poopie

Okay. One more time.

Come on, you guys sound

like you need a little coke

to get you going.

One more time, one, two, three:

Not makin' poopie

Yeah! Okay. Great.

Here we go.

Here it goes.

Maestro...

Another fear

Another year

Another enema

In your rear

Elimination

Constipation

Not makin'

Poopie

Yeah.

Pee pee is fine

Except if it leaks

What'd you expect

From elderly freaks?

It's so abusive

Stools are elusive

Not makin'

Whoopee, not "poopie."

We're doing "poopie" here.

I am not.

All right.

Uh-oh.

We've got a killjoy

in the house.

Okay.

You're on the toilet

From 9 to 5

Holy sh*t

It's good to be alive

It's all a breeze now

But please don't sneeze now

You're making poopie

Big finish.

Not being loopy

Better than whoopee

Everybody now.

I'm making poopie

Poopie. Poopie.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Well, I hope

nobody was offended here.

It was all in good fun.

In about 20 years,

we're all gonna be dead,

so let's celebrate while we can.

Thanks for coming.

I feel like I'm looking

at myself in a mirror.

What's your name?

Ted.

Are you still friends

with the other actors,

Arlene and your son?

No. They all died.

Oh.

Sorry.

Oh.

Boy, they were funny.

Funny. Funny. She was funny.

He was funny.

Very funny.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Do you still think the show

is funny after all these years?

Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes but it

wasn't always about the laughs.

Um, Eddie could say

the craziest things.

I think that's what

I liked most.

Oh. Can I just get one

"Hey, Arlene" for my wife?

Just one?

Heh, yeah. Sure.

"Arlene, Eddie's home!

I'm gonna kill the whole

f***ing family!

Me, you and our little

fruitcake son!"

Oh, my God.

How's that?

That's what I'm talking about.

You liked that?

Thanks for being Eddie.

Oh!

Hey.

Hey, you ready?

Um, ah, I actually don't

feel very good.

Um, I was thinking about

staying in tonight.

Okay.

Yeah.

You all right?

Yeah.

Can I come in?

For a minute?

Sure.

You look nice.

Thanks. You too.

Heh, no, I don't.

Is everything okay?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, because we had...

We had such a good time,

and now everything

feels a little...

A little off.

I mean, do you have a boyfriend

or somebody you're seeing?

No. Um...

No.

No.

Something that I did?

No, no, no.

No?

Ah.

Well,

um, I'm pregnant.

Hmm. You're pregnant.

Is it, uh...?

So, uh...? It's me, you mean?

Yeah, heh. I know.

You sure?

Yeah.

I mean, the timing's right,

and I haven't been with

anyone else, so...

You haven't been

with anyone else?

You gotta be honest with me.

Can you blame me?

I gotta ask you.

I mean, I have to.

I've gotta make sure

that it's my child.

Wow.

Okay. Um...

No.

It's yours.

Believe me, I'm as surprised

as you are. I'm not...

No. You're not

as shocked as I am.

Yeah, I am.

No, you're not.

Wow. Um...

You know,

I wasn't gonna do this,

and I made the appointment

at the clinic

and I drove myself down there,

and I couldn't

get out of the car.

It was the weirdest thing.

I just kept thinking about

the talk that we had

and talking

about my mom and I...

You know, I felt like I couldn't

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