The Comedian Page #11

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make this baby feel

unwanted the way I was.

And I just...

I...

I feel like I'm never gonna

have this opportunity again,

you know,

and so I'm gonna give it a shot

and I'm excited.

So I have nothing to say

about this?

What do you have to say?

Well, maybe I don't wanna

be a father again.

Okay. Well, you don't

have to be a father.

Nobody's asking you.

But I'm gonna be the father

and I'm gonna be

an older father, which

I don't expect you to

understand, but I am.

I can't even guarantee how long

I'll be around for the child.

I'm, uh...

Actually, it's me having

the baby, not you,

and so you are,

like I said, off the hook.

I'm not off the hook. I'm sorry.

I'm not off the hook.

Okay. I'm not asking you.

I'm not off the hook.

I'm the father

and you're telling me

that I'm off the hook?

No. This is...

You can't just decide

this on your own.

Doesn't work that way.

I can.

It does affect me.

And I just did decide.

Thank you.

Yes. I did decide this.

It affects me.

No. It doesn't.

It doesn't affect you.

It does.

You have nothing to do with it.

You have the baby,

it doesn't affect me?

You're not giving me any choice.

Okay, well...

You did have a choice!

You just said you didn't

wanna be a father.

I didn't say...

I said, I don't know

if I wanna be a father again.

That's fine.

I don't want you to be!

I don't need you to be!

If this hadn't happened,

I'd run into you in five years.

You'd be with a little kid.

You gonna tell me, "By the

way, this is your child"?

You didn't want anything

to do with it!

Pregnant with my child

and you wouldn't tell me.

So f***ing what?

There you go!

So f***ing what?

"F*** you. I'll have the child."

You should get that.

This is...

Unbelievable.

Ah, f***. F*** this.

This is f***ing crazy.

Miller, I'm busy. I don't wanna

talk business when I'm here.

No. I don't wanna talk

to you right now.

Miller, what is it?

What do you wanna...?

Goddamn it. Ugh!

I don't have time to talk

right now. What is it?

You're viral again.

What?

Yeah. Something about "poopie"?

And a bunch of retirees?

Holy sh*t

I'm makin'

I'm makin' poopie

I'm makin'

I'm makin' sh*t

I'm makin'

I'm makin' poopie

Over three million views

in eight hours,

and it is still climbing.

You are on Kimmel.

You're on Fallon.

So I got a call from

Carol Bock from RAW TV.

Carol Bock. What the f***

does she want?

She needs a host

for a reality-show pilot.

It shoots on Monday in New York.

Monday, uh...

So soon?

They had D'Angelo signed.

He had to drop out

at the last minute.

Of course.

He's got a better manager.

No, he got pancreatic cancer.

Ah, timing is everything, heh.

Cancer. Who'd he steal that

from? Okay. I'm coming.

All right.

Don't leave me hanging.

Yeah. I said, I'm coming!

Yeah.

I'm making poopie

It's good to be alive

Yeah.

Makin' sh*t

I'm makin'

I'm makin'

Poopie

I'm makin' sh*t

Well, well.

Hey, Mac.

What have we here?

The comedian slithering out?

Look, I got a gig in New York.

It's important.

Let me tell you something.

Back in the day,

when I was making book,

I knew who was gonna lose

and who was gonna win.

I had an instinct.

The losers,

I'd deposit their money

before the race ran.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You, my friend,

are money in the bank.

Okay. So now you're saying

I'm a loser?

Get the f*** out of here.

Hey, you know, I hear

you're gonna be a grandpa.

Wow. Congratulations.

That's exciting.

Just don't be surprised

if the kid comes out of the womb

with a mic, doing dick jokes.

You know what I mean?

See you at the bris.

Look around.

There's people everywhere.

"Arlene." Why don't you

work on that?

Because it really sucked

the way you did it.

"Arlene."

That's how you do it, schmuck.

Get it right next time.

Work on it.

"Arlene. Arlene.

"Arlene."

From New York City, RAW TV,

the game-changer

in innovative television

brings you Say Uncle,

a new experiment in jeopardy

starring the king of shock

comedians, Jackie Burke.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to Say Uncle.

I'm your host, Jackie Burke.

Each week on Say Uncle,

we find out

if you have what it takes

to take the pain

and win cash and prizes,

or will you say uncle

and go home empty-handed,

disappointing your family

and crushing your dreams?

Our first contestant

is Mark Chapel

from Brookline, Massachusetts.

How you doing today, Mark?

Hi. Great.

This week, we take you

to bayou country

where it's man against nature.

Or in this case, Mark against

hundreds of pissed-off crawfish.

Look what we have for you, Mark.

A couple of nice ones.

Here we go. Oh, yeah.

No, no, no. Got you.

These pincers can inflict

a lot of pain and damage.

You sure you're up

to this, Mark?

Bring it on, Uncle Jackie.

Right now, our two bayou babes,

each married to close relatives

are helping Mark

into a swamp pirogue.

That was my idea.

The crawfish.

The crawfish and the bayou

babes. That was me.

Don't forget,

if you last two minutes

with these hungry crawfish,

you'll win

this new hybrid car,

a Caribbean vacation for you

and your entire family

and $10,000 in cash!

We got it.

Okay.

Are you sure you're ready

for the bayou challenge, Mark?

Yes, Uncle Jackie.

Okay. Let's start

the clock.

Crawfish, it's dinnertime.

That doesn't look so bad to me.

I've stayed in worse motels.

Though I have to say, these

bedbugs are on the large size.

Even by New York standards.

Bayou babes,

bring in reinforcements.

Wow, I thought

having crabs was bad.

I'm not as much of

a man as you are, Mark.

I've gotta hand it to you.

You got a lot of chutzpah

and a lot of balls.

I think one bit me.

Ouch.

Oh, first bite. Let's hope those

other mudbugs don't catch on.

Aah!

Twenty-four seconds, Mark.

Hang in there.

Hang in there.

Think of the cash,

the money, the vacation.

You can do it.

You're gonna make it.

He's never gonna make it.

You're almost there, Mark.

Keep it going.

Think of the money.

Uncle! Uncle!

Uncle!

Mark!

Loser!

Oh! Oh!

You're a disappointment, Mark.

You okay? You all right?

It's all right.

It's okay. It's okay.

Okay.

I'm sorry. I tried.

I really did.

Honey, it's okay. I know.

I'm sorry.

We love you. The kids love you.

You suck, Mark!

Say Uncle will be right back.

But for me, I'd rather have

Stevie Wonder shave my balls

with a f***ing butcher knife

than be part of this

f***ing reality show.

This is Jackie Burke

saying "uncle,"

and RAW TV, you can

go f*** yourself.

Jackie.

I'm keeping the Safari jacket,

in case I ever get

booked in Africa.

Jackie.

Sorry.

You know, my kid,

he's over 6 feet tall.

I hardly ever hear from him.

But all of the stages

are beautiful.

Yeah.

Oh, that lucky kid, heh.

Hey.

Where's the Florida sunshine?

Hey.

Wow. Look at you.

This is a surprise.

Yeah.

You look beautiful.

Really great.

Look, I just wanted

to talk to you.

See how you are.

It felt strange after

the way we left things.

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