The Comedian Page #12

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I was gonna call you,

but it was...

It didn't feel good to do that.

So I just decided to come here,

and I wanna give you this.

It's a bunch of mementos,

family photographs, my family.

In case,

he or she would want

to know things about...

me.

Of course. Heh.

But just so you have it.

In case. You never know.

And you do whatever you want.

If you want me to be involved

in his or her life, fine.

If you don't, I won't like that,

but I'll have to accept it.

Okay.

But I'm there.

I want you to know,

I'm there for you, for the kid.

That's the most important

thing I want you to know.

I care about you a lot.

You know that.

Okay.

Take care of yourself.

Let's hope the kid

looks like me.

Hey, Jackie. Jackie.

- Yeah.

- Sit.

Sit. Join us.

Do you wanna go on tonight?

Any spot you want,

just let me know.

Estee, why are you being

so nice to me?

There's something wrong.

Your video got more hits

than 2 girls, 1 cup.

It's f***ing viral.

Sit down.

Which video? What video?

That Say Uncle thing.

Three in a row. You're more

viral than Charlie Sheen.

"This is Jackie Burke

saying 'uncle, '

and RAW TV go f***

yourself."

- F*** yourself.

- Everyone saw it, man.

Everybody.

Six million views and counting.

Six million?

But how did they get it out?

It was two months ago.

You got it out?

You finally did something good.

- To Jackie.

- Congratulations, Jackie.

You're back,

you mean motherf***er.

Where's your drink?

This is so weird.

Hey, where's my viral video?

Punch me in the face?

Miller the Killer.

You... Miller the Killer.

Holy sh*t!

All right. Try to talk

about regular stuff,

like music and politics. If you

got a handlebar mustache,

all I wanna hear you

talk about is Slinkys

and kazoos, and that's it.

You talk about kazoos

for a few minutes,

then you gonna hop on

a unicycle and juggle.

You carnival-faced motherf***er.

Are you guys ready for

your next comedian?

Make some noise.

You guys are a beautiful crowd.

We have a surprise guest

for tonight.

You might have seen him

on RAW TV,

snapping and telling

them to f*** off.

Please welcome to

the stage the great

Jackie Burke, everybody.

Jackie Burke.

Yeah, give it up

for Hannibal Buress.

Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, folks.

Thank you.

This is really nice.

Last time I heard "Jackie"

chanted like that,

I was bent over in the shower

at Nassau County Correctional.

Okay, Jackie.

You're finally working

at the Comedy Cellar again.

Don't f*** this up.

Don't curse too much.

Don't pull your dick out.

Don't attack anyone physically

unless they really,

really deserve it.

Well, looks like all

my ex-wives were wrong.

The b*tches.

Sometimes, it really does pay

to be a total a**hole.

And if I had known psychotic

breakdowns were so entertaining,

I'd have just been myself

all these years.

Oh, you know what? I forgot.

I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah.

You don't have to applaud.

I know I'm f***ing old.

I mean, halfway through

pulling out, I fell asleep.

Before my sperm leaves my balls,

it has to stop

and ask directions.

Boy, you guys are great.

It's nice to be in front of

a young crowd like this.

Younger than dead.

I should hire you

to come to all my gigs.

How much do you pay?

I don't know... You? I...

Uh, I don't know. I'd give

you 10 for a hand-job

and an extra 100 if you promise

not to wreck it by talking.

Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.

Oh, say does

That star-spangled

Banner yet wave

O'er the land of the free

And the home of the brave?

You made it.

The plane was delayed.

It's okay.

Okay, everyone.

Have a seat, have a seat,

and take a bow, Amaya.

Okay. Okay.

Thank you.

Great. Oh, isn't she cute?

Hi, Gary.

Hey, Jackie.

We're next.

Our next very, very talented

youngster we have is,

Miss Ralli Berkowitz.

Come on out, Ralli.

Oh, no. Here we go.

So, what's the deal

with chores and allowances?

I turn 8, and my mom says,

"I'll give you $10 a week

to make your room,

"wash the dishes, and clean

the cat's litter box."

Ten dollars?

That's slave labor.

I go to our neighbor's

house, and I say,

"What will you give me

if I make your room,

"wash your dishes, and clean

your cat's litter box?"

Neighbor says,

"I don't have a cat."

So I piss in her hallway

and say,

"You go to 15 a week,

and I'll supply the p*ssy."

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh.

This f***ing thing on?

Thanks so much, Ralli. Okay.

Very good. Thank you.

Okay, sweetheart.

Good. All right.

Okay. Right.

Thanks so much, Ralli.

Right. Thanks, honey.

All right. Wonderful.

And we have...

Did you teach her that?

I would never teach her

anything like that.

Look into my eyes

Can't you see

They're open wide?

Would I lie to you, baby

Would I lie to you?

Don't you know it's true

Girl, there's no one else

But you

Would I lie to you, baby

Yeah c'mon

Everybody wants to know

The truth

In my arms

Is the only proof

I've hidden my heart behind

The bedroom door

Now it's open

I can't do no more

I'm telling you, baby,

You will never find

Another girl

In this heart of mine

Look into my eyes

Can't you see

They're open wide?

Would I lie to you, baby

Would I lie to you?

Would I lie to you?

When you wanna see me

Night and day

Would I lie to you?

Do you think I give

My love away?

Would I lie?

That's not the kind of game

I play

Katie Radford

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