The Comedians Page #3

the new minister,

starts today under very sad auspices.

- Such a tragedy about poor Dr. Philipot.

- Yes.

However, knowing the new minister,

I don't think he'll be unduly downhearted.

- No acidity, you say?

- Positively none.

- And the taste?

- Plain and simple.

Nourishing but with no ugly sense

of repletion.

- No?

- No.

Tell me, what exactly is wrong

with acidity, Mr. Smith?

I speak in ignorance.

You see, we Haitians are accustomed

to the wines and haute cuisine of France.

If we could eliminate acidity

from the human body,

we would eliminate passion.

And stop the world?

I was not speaking of love, Mr. Brown.

Anyway, you've come

to a vegetarian country.

95% of the people

can't afford meat or fish.

Mr. Brown exaggerates.

This is a very ambitious project.

I take it you have sufficient funds?

This letter of introduction

from your late predecessor,

Monsieur Philipot,

will explain our financial position.

Yes, Monsieur Philipot,

a most lamented man, sir,

and honored by all his colleagues.

Yes, so I understand.

My wife and I

will attend his funeral tomorrow.

Half a million dollars!

Yes, sir, we have sufficient support.

Every great project is welcomed

by the Haitian government.

Please come this way, and I'll show you.

We also are idealists, Mr. Smith.

The new city of Duvalierville.

The shopping center. The banking center.

The cathedral.

The school of art.

There we might be able to find

an appropriate site for your center.

If it will suit you, I will take you

to Duvalierville myself this afternoon.

You are very kind, sir.

And what is that splendid

rectangular structure on the left?

- Oh, that?

- It looks like a police barracks.

But perhaps with a vegetable diet

the police will be rendered unnecessary,

which brings us

to a rather more difficult matter.

Yes?

A friend of Mr. Smith's has been arrested.

We'd like to know the reason.

An Englishman called Jones.

An Englishman?

Now, that is something

for the Minister of the Interior.

Perhaps a word from Your Excellency...

I cannot possibly interfere

in another department.

Mr. Smith, as a political leader,

will understand that.

You can find out the charge, I suppose?

- Charge?

- Charge.

Charge.

There will not necessarily be a charge.

Well, about our little trip this afternoon,

if you could be ready at 2:00?

I intend no little trip

until I've seen and spoken to Mr. Jones.

- But this is not my affair.

- Make it your affair, sir.

After all, Mr. Smith

is a former presidential candidate

of the United States.

Be reasonable.

The prison isn't open

to anyone at any time.

It is not a rest house, Mr. Smith.

Sometimes, a prisoner misbehaves.

The police have to defend themselves.

- Against unarmed prisoners?

- Leave this to me, Mr. Smith.

Your Excellency, Mr. Smith would like

to leave this small compensation

for any damage that Mr. Jones may

have inflicted on one of your policemen.

Have a word with your colleagues.

I will do what I can, but it may take time.

I will not go to Duvalierville

until I've seen him.

As long as the President

is not personally interested,

I am sure I can persuade my colleagues.

Well, well, look who's here.

- Take the bed, Mr. Smith.

- And you?

I'll stick to the bucket.

I'm a bit stiff in the joints.

You seem to have been resisting arrest.

Oh, that's their story, old man.

Can I have a fag?

- No filter tips?

- No, no.

Never mind. I like to guard my health.

- Take the packet.

- Oh, thanks a lot.

Light?

- Have a cigarette.

- Oh, thank you.

Things have taken a turn for the better.

At tiffin, they gave me beans,

and a doctor chap came

and worked on me.

Oh, wizard job.

What are you charged with?

Well, I think

I must have had the wrong contact.

They call this thing a bed?

Oh, I've dossed down

in many worse places.

- Where, for instance?

- In Burma during the war.

At least, there are no leeches here,

no Japs creeping up on you.

That must have been

a very terrible experience, Mr. Jones.

Oh, not so terrible, Mr. Smith.

There were compensations.

Comradeship.

And then I had a special talent,

which made me in great demand

among the jungle bashers.

I could smell water from far off,

like a native.

That saved my life once.

No one else came back to tell the tale.

What tale could that have been?

You won't appreciate my point of view,

Mr. Jones. I'm a pacifist.

Anyway, we've got to get you out of here.

There must be something we can do.

Well, if either of you

have got an envelope, by any chance?

An envelope? Well, all I have is a used one.

Oh, wizard! I can readdress it.

Your name on it will carry weight

with the big boys.

You've had quite a few predecessors

in here.

For the moment,

I'm only concerned with number one.

Ogoun Feraille, the voodoo God of war.

Somebody prayed to him for help.

Obviously, the god didn't arrive in time.

When you get home, old man,

would you seal this again

- and have it delivered pronto?

- Yes, all right.

Do you know

who this letter is addressed to?

No.

The personal secretary of Papa Doc,

President Duvalier himself.

I wonder what our friend is up to?

Think you ought to get involved?

Mrs. Smith and I

have never shirked an issue

where human rights are concerned.

I am involved.

Sometimes I think I envy you.

Let's get out of here.

No vegetarian center

has ever been built before on this scale.

- First, a restaurant with a first-class chef.

- Specialty nut cutlets?

There's quite an art

in what you call nut cutlets, Mr. Brown.

Then there'll be a library,

a lecture hall, a cinema.

We will supply free documentary films,

of course.

Several other ministers will have

to be satisfied, but that can be arranged.

Then perhaps one day,

we may even build a theater in the round

for vegetarian drama.

Something will have to be done

about this road.

We had a bad typhoon season.

Isn't that so, Mr. Brown?

This is the finest highway in Haiti,

Mr. Smith.

Well...

Anyway, first things first.

I want the President and his ministers

to attend a gala opening

and take the first vegetarian meal

as an example to his people

in the great new city of Duvalierville.

There is Duvalierville.

Where are the people?

The inhabitants of the old village

were ignorant peasants.

We've returned them to the hills.

We hope to continue construction

next year.

This city will be an example

of elegant living

and a monument

to our President's greatness.

I'm very nervous about Mr. Smith.

They've been gone for six hours.

Very bad road, ma'am.

Monsieur Smith okay.

I was worried about him

once before in Mississippi.

There was a white policeman there

as wicked as any of your Tontons.

I thought Mr. Smith would strike him,

and he doesn't believe in violence,

only love.

But love is awfully hard sometimes.

- Oh, well.

- Yes, ma'am.

This is Barmene, Joseph.

Three teaspoons to a cup.

- Mr. Smith prefers two.

- Yes, ma'am. And sugar?

No, no sugar.

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