The Competition

---

1

I never knew you had this

kind of wild side, honey.

Are you sure

you know what you're doing?

Absolutely, you're going

to be great at this.

Oh, here ya go!

Why aren't you strapped

to an instructor?

I'm certified,

I jump solo.

Yeah?

OK?

But I'm, I'm not ready!

All right, honey,

we have to talk.

- What?

- I'm breaking up with you!

- You're what?

- It's not you it's me!

- What?!

- There's an Uber waiting for you when you land!

OK.

I liked that one.

Yeah, he seemed nice.

Do you still

want to make a jump?

There's another

landing field up ahead.

Are you crazy?

I could die.

Yeah, I'll be there

at 6PM sharp like always.

No. Because there's never

anybody I want you to meet, Mom.

Yeah, there still swimming,

last I checked.

All right, I'll see you Sunday.

I love you too, bye-bye.

- Dinner Sunday at Mom's?

- Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. You want

to come to dinner on Sunday?

Aw thanks, man,

I'd love to.

So, what seismic earth shift

got your ass off the couch

and in to my office today,

buddy?

Basketball with the guys.

Oh, yeah.

Man, I can't do it,

I got to work.

- Hoops, bro.

- I hear ya, I can't do it. Look at this.

Oh, oh, who's

the little brunette

with the big guy?

What did he do, kill her?

- An assault.

- He beat her up?

- She kicked his ass, actually.

- Ha! Yeah?

Yeah, so she caught him

having sex with the neighbor.

There was an altercation,

and he's suing her for damages.

So, she hired me to make it all

go away. She still loves the guy.

She wants him back

after he boned the neighbor?

I don't know what

to tell you, man.

Sexual impulses are strong,

but sometimes,

I guess love is stronger.

Is that the Hayworth file?

It sure is.

So, you're handling

the arbitration?

Yeah, I gotcha covered.

You bet, you can head home

to the kids.

Oh!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey, honey. No, the Adderall

is in the green bottle,

it's organic.

Yeah. No, honey,

it's right next to the...

No!

That's liquid gold!

Nope, that's a goner.

Honey, you're going to

have to take some milk

out of the freezer.

I lost the afternoon load.

Sorry.

It's still warm.

I don't care. Calvin,

I need you in my office.

You can close the door

behind you.

You like it here

don't you, Calvin?

Your work has been outstanding.

Partners have noticed.

Yeah. You know, I'm surprised,

but you can actually do good

work in an oversized law firm

with hourly rates

higher than gods.

Hmm. How are the women's rights

cases going?

Mm. Just fine, great.

Still winning?

I'm undefeated.

But you knew that.

Hm. That's good.

It's really good.

Gena, why am I here?

I have a situation

that needs handling,

and I think you are

just the person for the job.

- Client?

- Blogger.

My sister, actually.

Ah-ha. The mysterious sister

you never speak of.

She was only 15

when our dad died.

Just a kid, really.

She was heartbroken.

And then... I went off

to law school...

Well, I'm sure she's fine.

She might look fine

from the outside.

She's a successful scientist

here in Portland, actually.

She writes formulas

for Fortune 500 companies.

- What kind of formulas?

- Various things.

Did you know that there

is a formula for happiness?

Yeah, it's called whiskey.

Anyway, that is

all a faade.

The real Lauren is

a different person altogether.

Look at this.

The Pig Theory.

The point of

infidelity and guilt.

Gena, this is

kind of awesome.

It's not awesome,

it's insane.

Can you imagine the impact she's

having on these people's lives?

Not to mention

her own mental wellbeing.

They're empowering her.

She's been offered

a very lucrative book deal.

And I'm just concerned

that if she writes that book,

the girl I grew up with

will be gone forever.

So, I need you to stop her.

The blog, the book,

all of it.

And how exactly

am I supposed

to do that?

I don't care how you do it.

Use your powers of persuasion.

You're undefeated, right?

Women love you.

Ah...

You want me to mess

with this poor girl's head?

No, just...

take her to drinks,

you know, show her that there

are good guys out there.

Guys like you.

I'm sorry, I...

I can't do that.

Mm. I had a feeling

you'd say that.

So, I have

an offer for you.

Do this and I will recommend

that you make partner

to the board.

Now that's cold, Gena,

you know I deserve

to make partner.

Yes, you do,

and this will guarantee it.

Tucker, Aaronson,

Mauldin & Chesney.

Has a nice ring to it,

doesn't it?

OK...

OK. I'll talk to her...

and I'll get her

to shut down the blog.

Mm.

I knew you would

see things my way.

No, no, you tell him I will make

that donation to Popular Science

and I don't want

any recognition for it.

People need

their science, man.

Oh!

Whoa, whoa!

- Hey, you OK there?

- Yeah.

You mind if I take a look?

Can I have my leg back?

Yeah, sorry.

Here, let me help you up.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

Listen, that could be

a nasty sprain.

Why don't I get

you some ice.

Maybe a cup of coffee?

You know, I don't know you.

I'm sorry, but why would I

get coffee with you?

I'm Calvin.

Thanks.

I'm Lauren, by the way.

Nice to meet you.

What's-what's

in the folder there?

Uh, it's my work.

I'm a scientist,

but mainly I just work

on product improvement.

And it's a report

on a formula I was developing.

Wow, that sounds serious.

Not so much.

It's the formula for,

I don't know, the perfect pizza.

Cheese, crust, and beer.

Basically, right? Yeah.

I mean, there might be a few

more factors at play, but...

Such as?

All right, well,

so the perfect pizza

boils down to that

first perfect bite, you know?

But with these larger pizzas,

sometimes the crust

can get a little soggy,

especially in the middle,

but you can calculate

the perfect ratio

between the thickness

of the pizza's crust

and constant volume

of toppings,

then you can formulate

the perfect bite.

Anyway, our client

used the formula to ad nine

grams of dough to their pizza,

and now some say

it's the perfect pizza.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, you know

what this means, don't you?

Actually, I really don't.

It means that you have

to take me to this place

and we need to experience

this perfect pizza.

I don't know,

I should probably just...

Come on, you have to.

It's the perfect pizza,

it can't wait.

OK, OK, you're kind of

putting me on the spot here,

but all right,

let's try the pizza.

Come on, if you can walk,

you can eat pizza.

I can hobble down the street

a little bit, yeah.

All right, terrific...

perfect pizza.

You can't tell a guy

about a perfect pizza...

Come on... Do you need this?

- Yeah, thank you.

- Are you sure you trust me with this?

Wow, I gotta say,

that was a pretty good pizza.

- Pretty good.

- Pretty good.

I don't know

if it's the perfect pizza...

- Oh, I see.

- Thank you.

But it's pretty good.

I'll give it to you,

it's pretty good.

It's pretty good. OK.

Thank you.

I'll take pretty good.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

Watch that ankle.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes