The Competition Page #2

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It's OK.

Well,

thank you for the ice.

Yeah,

thank you for the pizza.

It was great to meet you.

Great meeting you, Lauren.

Goodnight.

Hey, Lauren...

Can I see you again?

Maybe.

That's not a no.

Voodoo?

- Thank you.

- You're welcome, you're welcome.

- That's super sweet.

- It is super sweet.

- It is super sweet.

- Yeah.

- But I do love this place.

- Yeah, one at a time there.

Oh, mmmm.

Thanks.

Yeah, no, I was

really lucky to get this place.

- I moved in two years ago.

- Yeah, it's really nice.

So...

You know, you don't have

to leave right away.

You can... stay the night

if you want.

OK, um...

I'd like that.

But I can't.

Um, but I thought we were...

- I thought we had been...

- We are.

We are.

And, um...

that's why I don't want to

take this to the next level

until we've been totally

honest with each other.

I thought we had been.

I know about your blog,

the, um, Pig Theory?

Everything.

Blog? What...

Gena told me...

She's my boss.

- Did Gena put you up to this?

- No, no.

Nobody put me up

to anything.

I, I saw a picture of you

on her desk

and she told me

about the blog.

I... I was intrigued.

No. What about all that about

donating to Popular Science magazine.

I mean, you were

outside my office...

Just an excuse to meet you.

I didn't know you were

going to sprain your ankle,

but, um, yeah.

I mean, if you

read the blog,

then why you would

want to meet me?

You intrigued me.

You still do.

Hey, come on,

this past week

has been great, right?

So, um...

maybe you show me more.

More of the real you.

OK, you want to see more?

Come up to my office.

OK.

So, as you can see,

the blog is...

kind of a big deal.

Are these all your followers?

I've got just under

two million globally.

I was even thinking about turning

the whole thing into a book.

Wow, it's impressive.

It is.

And the blog's good,

too, I've read it.

But you know what

impresses me more?

The fact that you haven't

written anything since we met.

Had a full week,

not one post.

It gives a guy a little hope.

You know. Hope that maybe

the Pig Slayer has met someone?

She's ready to turn over a new

leaf and shut all this down?

Shut it down?

What would I tell

all these people?

I mean, I'm sorry,

but some of them,

I've actually

changed their lives.

For example, this one.

"I asked my heart

to please stop breaking.

I prayed to God for a cure.

Then I found the Pig Slayer."

They kind of depend on me.

I can't just shut it down.

Sure, you can.

What is that?

That there... B minus C,

what is all that?

That's my infidelity formula.

That's what the theory

is based on.

Your infidelity formula.

- Yeah.

- OK, explain.

OK, OK...

So all of these variables

are assigned a value of 1-10,

10 being the highest,

and you multiply boredom

by the difference between

the excitement of someone new

and the familiarity

of comfort,

and you subtract from that

the fear of conflict,

added with

the opportunity to cheat,

and that final value,

if that's 20 or higher,

then that person

is gonna cheat.

And as a failsafe,

you break up

after six months of dating.

Statistically speaking it's not

safe to date for longer than that.

And it works?

Well, two million people

agree with me.

It's... getting kind of late.

Um, I should feed Ripley

and go to bed.

How can you be so sure?

I mean, essentially

you are breaking up

with these people

before they cheat.

Before they have

the opportunity to cheat.

Yeah, but what if they

never would have at all?

People cheat.

All they need

is the opportunity

and to know

they won't get caught.

- That's your theory?

- Yeah.

Based on a pretty kick-ass

formula, yes, that's my theory.

And you won't be

convinced otherwise?

That's just how it is

- and how it's going to be, forever?

- Yeah.

And what if I offer a way

to prove your theory wrong?

I don't see how

you'd be able to do that.

Now, hold on,

you're a scientist, right?

So, you know that

a theory is nothing more

than a theory

until it's proven.

So have you actually

tested this theory?

- How could you test it?

- OK. Well, you said yourself

that everybody scores

a 20 or higher

after six months

of dating, correct?

- Yeah, correct.

- So, all we would need to do

is find a group of people

who have been in a relationship

for longer than six months,

and give them

the opportunity to cheat

without getting

caught, right?

I suppose...

Now to keep a close watch

on our subjects,

they would have to be

people close to us.

Like my friends,

or your friends.

Wait, hold on.

I don't understand.

What are you proposing?

I'm suggesting

that you and I

have a little competition.

- A competition?

- Mm-hmm.

I pick five of my friends

who've been in a relationship

for longer than six months,

and you pick the enchantresses

who will be their downfall.

You tempt them,

you challenge them,

you do your worst.

You pick a situation

in which you think gives them

the best opportunity to cheat,

and we will see if

they take the bait.

OK? Best three

out of five wins.

OK, if three out of five

people cheat,

then you have to post

on my blog

and write a forward

to the book

about the competition

and how it all went down,

and admit that,

yes, my theory is correct.

OK,

but if three

out of five resist,

then you've got to post

admitting you were wrong

about the whole thing,

and you gotta shut it all down.

And you have to agree

to be with me.

Like normal people,

no expiration date.

Mm.

If I win,

I get my six months

with you.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, if I win,

you still post, admit defeat,

but I get my six months,

and then we end it. Agreed?

Agreed.

Goodnight, Lauren.

You're upset.

- I'm not upset.

- Yes, you are.

Your voice always rises like

three octaves when you're upset.

I'm not upset.

Now you're transgender.

Oh... First of all, how could

you embarrass me like that?

What... You...

You send some guy my way,

who doesn't even...

and why would he...?

First of all,

I know how to find a guy.

Finding them has never been

your problem, sweetie.

I don't have any problems!

You know, I really thought

he liked me.

He does, you idiot, I mean,

why else would he take part

in this... what is it,

like a competition?

Yeah. You're right.

Best three out of five wins.

Oh, I'm so gonna

kick his ass.

How exactly is this

going to work?

OK, so, we have a list

of challengers, right?

And all these people have been in

relationships six months or longer,

and to prove my theory correct,

alls I have to do is...

tempt them.

Oh, my God, there's a list.

What do you know

about these people?

Everything I need to know.

Simon Walker, OK,

so, he's a preppy bartender.

The bartender at Toochies?

- Right, exactly.

Apparently, he's one

of Cal's best friends

and he's been engaged

for two years.

Now, Cal says, "Oh, he

wouldn't possibly cheat."

That's a very long engagement.

- Right?

- Who's that?

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