The Con Is On Page #3

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[Hans] Peter Fox?

Very nice.

Very nice, indeed.

- Who are you?

- I'm Jackie's assistant. I'm Hans.

- I will f*** you.

- I seriously f***in' doubt it, mate.

- Ja, ja, it could happen.

- Nein, nein. You won't, mate.

- [Hans] Ja, ja. It will, I said.

- [Peter] Nein.

Well, we can't have the

fireworks on the front lawn,

because we can't have everyone

trudge across the grass to see them.

What about their shoes?

- Yeah, but we talked about...

- Well, don't contradict me.

I don't think you quite

understand what's going on here.

And I do slightly feel I'm gonna

have to do it all myself.

Oi, oi.

[hammering, distant]

Peter Fox.

There you are.

You came.

I brought you here today because

I wanted to tell you something.

Can we be quiet,

please, everybody?

- Shh. Thank you.

- [hammering stops]

I've decided to forgive you

for everything.

Oh. Right.

Jolly good.

Gurmukh wants me to forgive

everybody who's wronged me.

So you're forgiven.

This way.

The f***'s a "Gurmukh"?

See, I want

to hear everything.

How have you been?

And what are you doing in LA?

And how long are you here for?

And why haven't you called?

- Om.

- Oh yes. Om.

Thank you, Gurmukh. Gurmukh

could help you too, possibly.

See, I'm throwing a costume ball for

Gabriel's movie, which you must come to.

Ja, Gabriel has been nominated for an

actual award for Le Noir et le Rouge.

Who gives a f***?

- I need a drink.

- They're right over there.

Nothing for me, thanks.

I'm on a juice cleanse.

- [Harry] Go on.

- Bollocks.

[Gabriel] God is a communist.

I'm not a communist.

Although some people

might say I am a god.

[laughing]

[sighs]

Oh, this is that ring

that I was telling you about.

This cost many millions of dollars.

I got it at an auction.

- How many millions, exactly?

- 5.675.

Oh.

- You can see the way it...

- Darling, Peter's here.

Say hello to Peter.

[Gabriel] Oh.

- [grunts]

- He came into the safe room.

He was looking for me.

How much is this guy

gonna cost me this time?

Darling, Gurmukh wants us

to be nice.

He wants us to forgive.

Remember?

Forgive me, my muse.

I know it doesn't look like we're working

right now but we are working right now,

and you are needed on set.

[softly]

I can't be late for set.

You mean you can't

be late for Vivien.

Vivien, Vivien, Vivien.

[jazz music playing]

And that is how you make

a bull shot.

Thank you very much.

Two more, please.

[Peter] The problem with attending a

party is that we have to attend a party.

- [chips clattering]

- Her friends are gonna be horrible.

You still haven't told me how

you expect to get away with it.

You could switch it.

Switch it?

Switch the real ring

with the fake one.

[Harry] You just need

to spike her drink.

Is that the best you got, is it?

Knock her out and nick it?

- You think it could work?

- It has to.

Without that ring,

we're f***ed 400,000 times.

And I promise you,

we will bleed.

- [chips clattering]

- [speaking in Mandarin]

[speaking in Mandarin]

[traditional Chinese music

playing]

[Peter] Can't get a decent

cup of tea in this country.

Never mind tea.

I need a drink.

- Where the f*** is that old b*tch?

- [toilet flushing]

- She said it was ready.

- She did, didn't she?

[door opens]

Xixie, Wendy.

Not enough. More!

Oi. You're welcome.

- That was a bit priggish, wasn't it?

- That's the last of our cash.

- We gotta do it tonight at the party.

- Go on?

What the f*** am I gonna wear?

We spike Jackie's drink.

Yes.

- We do the switch.

- Yes.

- And an hour later, we're on a plane.

- Yes! No, wait.

Jackie does not react

at all well to drugs.

They do not agree

with her at all.

- [Harry] I can imagine.

- No, you can't imagine.

She's banned for life

from British Airways.

She's not even allowed

in Canada.

She is not

to be underestimated.

I can handle her.

Perfect.

[jazz music playing]

F***.

Congratulations on your nomination.

I hear you're the frontrunner...

- I'm so glad you're here.

- F*** me.

- I can't.

- Why not? I want you.

Because Jackie's

right inside.

F*** that fat canary.

Yeah, but there's

photographers everywhere.

[shutter clicks]

Hey.

This is a private party, man.

Yeah, but I was hired.

Hans.

- Take care of this.

- [Hans] Yes, sir.

- Gabriel...

- Shh!

I took Singapore Airlines first-class

from London. Much better than Virgin.

I took Air France first,

and they had a chef.

Well, I got a massage

on Virgin.

It still doesn't compare

to Singapore.

Those terrorists.

They ruined everything.

I've never seen

so many ugly people in my life.

Have any of these people ever even

seen a fashion magazine before?

Mentally, I'm giving

everyone a makeover.

Look at that b*tch, Jackie.

She's a revolting slut.

[woman] Never mind a stylist,

she needs a psychiatrist.

They're saying that my films

are completely self-referential.

Because you are a genius.

You're the finest actress

of your generation.

I know.

I'm so excited you guys

are making a movie together.

How did the shoot

go today?

It was a very

difficult scene, but...

- I was magnificent.

- You were magnificent.

Leave.

- Chopped.

- B*tch.

[Peter]

These f***in' people.

Makes me want to go on a three-day smack

binge in a brothel in Bangladesh.

Darling, you're just too old-fashioned.

That's your problem.

[Peter]

A f***in' dying breed, I am.

Here.

Give this to Jackie.

- When?

- Now.

All right. Here you are.

[sniffs]

Well, drink it.

No, I'm not drinking,

just sniffing.

Look at them. You know there are

rumors about them all over town.

- Who?

- My husband and that bad actress.

Look at her.

[Jackie]

She's such a slag.

[groans]

Two can play that game.

Going.

[laughs]

She's going to pass out

in just a second.

Wouldn't count on it.

I don't know,

but I am on fire tonight.

You are on fire tonight.

- I'm like a tornado.

- You're like a tornado.

- I am like the Fourth of July.

- You're like the Fourth of July.

- I'm so sexy tonight.

- You are so sexy tonight.

And I have such

beautiful hair tonight.

You have such

beautiful hair tonight.

- Come with me.

- I'll come with you.

[moans]

[moaning]

[sighs]

[shudders]

- You're so sexy to me right now.

- Oh, for f***'s sake.

Why are married men

so attractive to me?

- We're f***in' not.

- Make love to me.

- F*** off.

- Please?

- [straining] F***...

- [gasps]

Where is everybody?

We've had this date

from the beginning.

Just close your eyes

and pretend I'm Jackie.

F***'s sake.

[humming]

Am I havings a good time?

She's bound to pass out soon.

I wouldn't count on it.

[squeals]

[humming]

Oh, Peter.

Oh, Peter.

Oh! [laughs]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- [thud]

[Jackie] Peter.

[Jackie singing off-key]

Oh! [humming off-key]

I like it!

[muffled singing]

[grunting]

Steady on, girl.

Thank f*** for that.

- We have to be quick.

- Aye, aye.

- [spank]

- [giggles]

Come on.

[sighs] Oh, God.

All right.

[grunts]

- It's stuck.

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