The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover Page #2

Not with your fingers, Spangler!

That's all you understand -

things you eat with your hands

whilst walking down the street.

You told Mews to eat the

celery with his fingers.

That's different, you dope.

And it's asparagus, not celery.

What's the point of sinking

thousands into a restaurant

if you refuse to eat properly?

- Tell him, Georgina.

- Tell him what?

Just copy Georgina. She knows how to do it.

Cory, get Richard in here.

I want my sign fixed up

and put on that wall over the kitchen door.

If Richard was more interested in slogans,

he'd make more money, eh?

This place is too dark.

Could do with a respray.

Gold, it needs more gold.

How about gold and blue?

What do you think, Henry?

10,000 should do it - two months' takings.

You should get in there.

Boarst's prices are all over the place.

His head's in the clouds.

Good cook. Brilliant cook!

Except he puts mushrooms on everything.

Henry, put that cigarette out.

Do you mind if I eat whilst you smoke?

Gordon choked on a cigarette whilst eating -

burnt his epiglottis.

Mitchel, you've got one.

And you don't keep it in your trousers.

You don't put orange rind on the edge

of your plate, it goes there, you dolt!

What you've got to realise is that

a clever cook puts unlikely things together

like duck and orange,

like pineapple and ham.

It's called artistry.

I'm an artist, the way I combine

my business and my pleasure.

Money's my business, eating's my pleasure.

And Georgie's my pleasure too,

though in a more private kind of way

than stuffing the mouth

and feeding the sewers.

Though the pleasures are related,

because the naughty bits and the dirty bits

are so close together

that it just goes to show

how eating and sex are related.

Georgie's naughty bits

are nicely related, aren't they?

Especially when she's

paying me attention. Georgie.

Get Phillipe! In future, I want

my napkins folded at home, Georgina.

Get Adele to teach you.

Spangler, get up and get Phillipe.

Bring Richard here,

I've got to make him a proposition.

Get Adele to get that water

with the angostura bitters in it

and some lemon in the water

and a bowl of ice water for me fingers...

Henry! Give me those glasses off that table.

And the flowers.

This should look

the most important table here.

I like a load of glasses around,

it highers the tone.

What's that?

For Madame Spica,

compliments of the house.

She's no Madame. Why haven't I got one?

- I doubt, Mr Spica, if you'll like it.

- Try me.

We have grown accustomed

to you being a conservative eater.

That's not true.

I'm as adventurous as the next.

Your wife has an excellent palate, Mr Spica.

It is always a pleasure for us to serve her.

I want one of those hot, damp towels,

Richard, served

to me with tongs.

Adele is no good with cash and figures.

She's just decorative, all lips and tits.

- We'll replace her.

- Can I do the replacing?

Stuff your mouth, Mitchel.

Every time you open it,

you just show how vulgar you can be.

Georgina! Welcome back.

Did you wipe the seat

before you parked your bum?

You never know what you

can catch these days.

Every toilet seat is a minefield.

That's for you.

Richard thought I might like to taste it,

personal compliments of the chef.

Eat it.

I didn't fancy it, it smelt off.

Iris got a canker on her bum

from sitting on a loo seat.

The mechanic across the road poured

battery acid down the WC to clear it.

Some of it splashed on the seat.

Iris ran screaming into the street,

her backside hissing.

She hasn't been the same since.

She strips the same

but never with her back to the audience.

She had to change her act.

Now it's more full-frontal.

- Where are you going?

- I left my lighter in the toilet.

- Gawd's sake. You don't need it.

- I need it.

Richard, I'm going to ban smoking in here.

Tomorrow, the signs are going up.

You want to thicken your French accent

up a bit, mate,

like you've just come over from Paris.

Give them a bit of that ooh-la-la stuff.

Bit more of that "parlez-vous franais?"

Then you would not understand me, Mr Spica.

I don't know. I've always been able

to understand French letters.

Georgina!

What the hell are you doing in here?

Georgina?

You've been in here for ages.

What are you doing, having a baby?

I'm, er, I'm just...

- I'm just having a quiet smoke.

- Smoke?

You know how you hate

me smoking at the table.

Gawd's sake, Georgina.

Why tell me lies about a lost lighter?

I didn't, I left it here

on the ledge in front of the mirror.

I'll be out in a few moments.

Don't hang around the ladies,

you'll embarrass the customers.

Show me the lighter.

There.

Do you want a cigarette as well?

Don't be so bloody stupid.

What are you doing in there,

Georgina, eh?

You playing with yourself?

That's not allowed, that's my property.

You're not allowed to fiddle with it.

Shut up, Albert.

Let me in, I'll show you

how to wipe yourself.

Go away. I'll be out in a minute.

Well, don't be long.

I'll order you some gteau aux poivres.

Some profiteroles.

And wash your hands.

You don't know the women who use this place.

You took your time.

I thought you'd like me to wait for you.

You smell nice and sweaty.

Wash your hands, I'll give you a kiss.

You know what they say about men

who hang around ladies' lavatories?

What do they say about men

who hang around ladies' lavatories?

They're asking to have

their illusions shattered.

Yeah.

You hold no illusions for me, Georgie, eh?

No stone's been left unturned.

Look, just go order my profiteroles,

will you?

Come on.

Come on.

I think these Ethiopians like starving.

It keeps them slim and graceful,

with those big heads and dreamy eyes.

You know those kids.

You're sick.

I might well be

if you're being so priggish.

What do you know,

Georgina, about the starving?

You can have anything you want.

Where you been? You're late.

It's Friday night.

There's a lot of money about.

A decent man needs gloves

to touch this stuff.

Let's have a look.

That's just what this restaurant needs.

Start laying them out.

What's the matter, Mitchel?

Don't you like mussels?

You got to learn to like them

if you're going to eat with me.

Don't you dare throw up in here!

Or I'll get Spangler to stuff 'em

back down your throat.

From the Malay restaurant.

The food poisoning scared them,

they're paying up.

I'm sure they don't need

our assistance with that.

That stuff they eat,

they'd poison themselves with it.

Some of them Indians are well known

for drinking their own pee.

The same water would go round and round.

Of course, you're bound to lose some

through evaporation.

Then you'd have to top it up.

Whose pee would you drink first?

- Erm...

- Me, I'd have a ready supply, wouldn't I?

Georgie and I have

our little sessions when we...

Good God, what have you got there?

Even you are getting compliments

from the chef, are you?

Being a guinea pig

for a Boarst experiment, are we?

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