The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover Page #3

Good God, looks like, er,

food for constipated French rabbits.

Albert, why don't you order me some Chianti?

You know I like Chianti.

In the bottle with the wrapping around it.

Then I can take it home

and hang it on the wall.

Grace, haven't you got

enough of them already?

No.

Where the hell are you going?

- To the toilet.

- You haven't had anything to drink yet.

She's got a bladder like a leaky marrow.

Don't be long!

- You've upset her.

- Rubbish.

Don't be long! You're so talkative tonight,

we couldn't stand the silence without you.

Wash your hands!

- Questo, questo.

- Cazzo.

Dove hai imparato a cucinare?

velenoso.

Vieni qua.

That's off!

Uh.

- This custard's salty.

- It is sauce Hollandaise.

Can I help you, Mr Spica?

I've come about

those special complimentary dishes.

In future, all the guests at my table

shall receive them.

Why is my fish taking so long?

You can carry it in yourself,

if you like, Mr Spica.

- What are you looking for?

- Nothing. You bring it.

You would not be looking for your wife?

No, of course not.

Mr Spica, I have something to show you.

What is this?

New cutlery.

Give your restaurant some style.

I brought in 300 sets.

My men are just re-laying the tables.

Not very good quality, Mr Spica.

You could use them at home, Mr Spica.

All 300 of them.

Where have you been? Wiping your bum?

Did you use your left hand

like I showed you?

Where'd you get this stuff, Mews?

It's rubbish, falling apart.

Take 'em back.

Get a 150% refund. God.

What are you eating, Georgie? Not much.

Ha! I see others here

get the same special attentions.

What is it? Looks like

some sort of... watery salade.

That's not up to much.

Expensive, no doubt, but not fattening.

You've got to keep your strength up,

you're looking peaky.

Kidneys, liver, iron, that's what you need.

Do you know a cow drinks

its own weight in water twice a week?

For milk, you see,

because a cow's got great big tits.

Just like you, eh, Georgie?

You gentlemen will have to take it

for granted because

for some reason best known to herself,

she's left her bra off.

Have you, Cory, ever tasted human milk?

I mean recently.

All them years ago don't count.

You couldn't really appreciate

what you were enjoying then, could you?

I bet human milk's a great delicacy

in some countries. It ought to be here.

Do you know, Cory, who could supply us

with some human milk?

Warm, straight from the receptacle, so to speak?

Don't joke! It's a precious commodity,

not a joking matter!

Georgie wouldn't joke about it, would you?

Would you, Georgie?

You're a credit to women. You could

show these young women a thing or two.

You could teach these young men

a thing or two. Take Mitchel.

On second thoughts, don't,

cos he's a crude little bugger.

- Then how come you haven't got any kids?

- Kids?

Who needs kids? Who wants kids?

I want kids.

We'll have kids one day, won't we, eh?

When you're bloody old and grey, most like!

Yeah. Your trouble is

you don't eat properly.

You should drink more water

and eat more kidneys

and then you might bloody well have

a bloody baby someday.

Georgie doesn't like babies, do you?

You know, sometimes, Georgie,

I think you behave like a bloke.

What days are those, then, Albert?

- What's it like?

- You what?

Get away from this table,

you mucky little wimp!

Go and eat your vegetable soup

in the kitchen, you dirty little pervert!

Go on, get on with your eating, eh?

It's only Mitchel making a fool of himself.

Now, stand in the corner.

Cory, make him a paper hat.

Stand in the corner

like a naughty little boy.

Stand there.

Take your knife and fork with you.

- Don't be stupid.

- Do you want to join him?

Leave him alone. He's only

copying you like he always does.

You behave, he'll behave.

- I'm leaving.

- Yes, we are leaving.

Gracie, here. Pay the bill and take a taxi.

Yeah. Georgie and I

might go for a little drive.

It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow.

Might drive down to the sea,

have some fun under the pier

like we used to.

Oops. I am sorry.

Still, this isn't a library,

it's a restaurant.

They got people for that.

Richard.

This needs cooking.

Grill it with some mashed peas.

Wash me thoroughly

From my iniquity

And cleanse me...

What's a young lad like you doing

washing dishes?

That's woman's work,

ain't you got what it takes? Hey!

My God, armour plating.

You protect yourself, son, you need it.

Innocence. That's what I had

before I met Georgie.

- That's just what they want.

- Albert. Come on, you're drunk.

- Come on!

- Shall I sing for you?

- What?

- Albert, come on, he's only a child.

Sing for me, yes. Yes, you can sing for me.

Get up there. You sing, yeah.

I was a good singer when I was a little boy,

wasn't I, Georgie?

Come on, now. You sing to me. Eh?

Come on. Sing, damn you!

Wash me thoroughly

From my iniquity

- And cleanse...

- You can't keep it up, can you? No.

I was a choirboy once.

Yes. Women like choirboys.

I was almost a choirboy when I met Georgie.

But you spoilt all that, didn't you?

Georgie was a very good education,

she could teach a young man anything.

Come on, Georgie, show the young boy

what you showed me.

- Albert.

- Go on, show the little boy...

- Albert!

- You do what I tell you, will you?

You come out in that car park with me,

both of you. Come on.

Out in the car park. Come on.

I'll give you the best education,

show you what a great

teacher Georgie can be.

Don't touch him!

- Leave him alone.

- I'll show you what a great teacher...

Oh, I see. So I'm not supposed to do that?

I'll give you an education.

- Albert, please leave him alone.

- Oh, no.

Stand there and don't you move.

- Just leave him be.

- Watch this.

- No. Wait till we get home, Albert.

- Georgie. Georgie, come here.

Right. What's all this?

You're not wearing any bloody knickers.

You've been sitting in that restaurant

with no knickers on?

With Cory and Mitchel and all those people?

What's this mean?

Where are they? Give them to me at once.

Go on. Look at this.

Get in that car, you dirty whore.

Why don't you take everything off?

Get in there. Go on! Get in that car!

- Now you! You get in there as well.

- No!

- Go on. Get in there. Get in.

- No! Please!

- No! No! No!

- Get in there! Get in.

Right...

No!

Wash me thoroughly

From my iniquity

And cleanse me from my sins

Have mercy upon me...

I have two minutes.

Purge me with hyssop

And I shall be

Clean

Wash me

Wash me

And I shall be whiter than snow

Make me to hear

Thy joy and gladness.

That the bones

That Thou hast broken may rejoice.

Do you know, Mitchel,

what prairie oysters are?

Fish.

So if someone feeds you a prairie oyster,

what would you be eating?

Fish. Like from the lakes and that.

They're the...

The clams with the little pearls in.

Prairie oysters would be very precious

to their owners. No.

No, look. Imagine...

Just imagine that this is a prairie oyster.

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