The Counselor Page #4

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Well, I asked a friend but she

didn't know I was gonna do it.

So we're done here then?

I haven't told you my sins yet.

I don't want to hear your sins.

There would be no point.

Were you baptized?

I don't know. It's possible.

Your parents never told you?

I never knew my parents.

They were thrown out of a

helicopter into the Atlantic Ocean

when I was three.

Listen

you don't have to do

the whole forgiveness thing.

All you have to do is listen.

To the sins.

Women tell you

about sex, don't they?

I can't talk about that.

Yeah, but every woman who

goes to confess tells you

that she's an adulterer or

fornicator or something

or why else would she be there?

So you must have a very

unusual picture of women.

You must think that they're

just having sex all the time...

You really need to go now.

If you don't leave, I leave.

Wait, where are you going?

I wasn't finished.

I don't know.

Women have funny

ideas about sex.

They're supposed

to be so modest.

Let me tell you,

when they get it

in their heads how

they want to f***

they're like a freight train.

Sign here.

The things I've

learned about women.

F***.

About half of it I

would like to forget.

I'm not sure if I follow you.

What is it you would like to forget,

for instance?

You don't want to know.

Sure I do.

I don't know.

Let's talk about something else.

Here.

Just pull up your

socks and tell me.

Yeah

I don't know.

What is it you

would like to forget?

All right.

I would like to forget about

Malkina f***ing my car.

What?

See?

What did you just say?

I said I would like to forget

about Malkina f***ing my car.

What the hell are

you talking about?

Do you remember

that yellow California I had?

Sure. Nice car.

Very nice car.

Anyway, this was a while back,

not that long.

We'd been getting it on for a while,

and we came back one night.

We were staying

up at Cloudcroft.

We drove out on a golf course

and parked.

And we're sitting there,

talking

and for no particular reason

that I could see,

she slides off her knickers

and hands them to me

and gets out of the car.

I asked her what she was doing

and she says,

"I'm going to f*** your car."

All right.

Leave the door open.

So

she goes around and climbs up

on the hood of the Ferrari

and pulls her dress up

around her waist

and spreads herself

across the windshield

in front of me

with no panties on.

And she's had this Brazilian wax job,

you know?

Don't even think

I'm making this up.

You can't make

this up, all right?

I mean, she was a dancer.

So, she does this full split

and then she starts rubbing

herself up and down on the glass.

Then she leans down

to see if I'm watching.

Like, no, I'm sitting there

reading my email.

And she kisses me upside down.

And then she tells me

that she's going to come.

I thought, "I'm losing my f***ing mind.

That's what's happening here."

It was like one of those,

one of those catfish things.

You know? One of those...

One of those

bottom-feeders you see

going up the side

of the aquarium,

sucking its way up the glass.

I mean, it was, I don't know...

...hallucinatory.

You see a thing like that,

it changes you.

Jesus.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Did she?

Did she what?

Did she come?

Yeah. Sure, yeah.

Finally she climbs down

and she comes around

and she gets in the car

and shuts the door.

I hand her her knickers,

she puts them in her purse

and she looks at me to see

what I thought about that.

What I thought about it?

Well, I don't know

what I thought about it.

I mean, I still don't.

It was too gynecological to be sexy.

Almost.

But mostly,

I was just f***ing stunned.

And I asked her if she

had ever done that before

and she said she had done everything

before. And I believe her.

Jesus. Catfish?

I don't know.

I think so, yeah.

Do you think she knew what kind

of effect this

might have on a guy?

Jesus, Counselor, are you kidding?

She knows everything.

You don't think this is

an odd thing to tell me?

I think it is an odd thing.

No, I mean,

why is it okay to tell

a thing like that

about somebody...

Somebody I'm banging?

Come on, Reiner.

Okay, I don't know,

you're probably right.

Maybe I wanted to see

what you would say.

Maybe there's more to it than that.

Maybe I'm scared.

You're scared?

Yeah.

Probably, yeah. Sometimes...

She scares the sh*t out of me.

Because of that?

No, not that. But...

You're in love with her.

I don't know what I am.

Yeah, I guess

I'm in love with her, but

you don't think

that's cause for worry?

It's like being in love with

easeful death.

Well, I don't know what it is

that you're trying to tell me.

I know.

Does this have anything

to do with the deal?

I don't know.

You're right.

I shouldn't have told you.

Just forget it. Forget it.

Forget it?

Yeah.

How do you propose I do that?

Jesus, Counselor,

how do I know?

Just forget it.

I gotta go.

Sir, may I help you?

Nope.

Are you there?

Anything?

He's coming.

Yeah, I hear him.

All right, let's do it.

Jamie, come in.

Are we okay?

We're good.

I know.

I just wanted to

hear your voice.

Don't go there.

You're just glowing

with sexual health?

I love it.

Yes.

Bad. Badly.

You haven't been taking liberties

with your person, have you?

You couldn't touch it

with a powder puff?

It's too boring.

I kept waking up

thinking you were there.

I could smell your perfume

on the sheets.

What I said was,

"Here, let me help you off

with your damp things."

And then I pull

down your panties.

Oh, my goodness.

Is this phone sex?

I know.

Life is being in bed with you.

Everything else

is just waiting.

I love you very much.

Good night.

Do you know which truck it is?

Yeah.

It's got Arizona plates.

Do you know how it goes?

Yeah.

It's color-coded.

Red to red.

Green to green.

Black to black.

See if it will start.

Wait a minute.

This thing has

got a switch on it.

Try it now.

Counselor.

We've got a problem.

Are you there?

I'm here.

How bad a problem?

Let's say pretty bad.

And then multiply it by 10.

F***.

Meet me in

the atrium at the Coronado.

Coronado? When?

Now.

We can start getting used

to our new lifestyle.

Morning.

Have you seen the paper?

Nope.

Do you know who

the Green Hornet is?

The Green Hornet?

Yes.

He's a cartoon character.

He's a biker.

Sh*t.

Mmm.

All right, what?

Is he in custody?

It's in the paper.

What has he done?

You don't know

anything about this?

About what?

Like I said, it's in the paper.

He had no ID on him?

No.

No head either.

What the hell is this?

I was hoping you would tell me.

I had a call from

our business partners.

They wanted to speak with you.

It seems the deceased

was working for them.

Now the shipment is missing

and all they have to go on is

that he was a client of yours.

Client? He wasn't a client.

You got him out of jail.

That doesn't make him a client.

It was a speeding ticket,

for Christ's sake.

Jesus.

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