The Darwin Awards Page #2

---

The cases I describe in my report cost

your company $22 million per annum.

- That's last year alone.

- Jesus.

- You said there's no profile.

- Right.

Well, we create one.

You can predict a person's

fate based on three traits.

For instance, if you weigh over 250

pounds, use bar soap rather than liquid...

and don't have a nonskid surface in

your shower, you have a 2.2% chance of...

That's worldwide.

Sad thing is, 90% of these

accidents are preventable.

Just requires a little precaution.

Get someone to study

these Darwin Award types...

find three common risk

factors, you got your profile.

Screen against this profile,

you'll save $22 million per annum.

Okay. Okay. You begin immediately...

and, um, you start with... with those.

These cases are all over the

country. See, I don't travel.

- I've never been out of San Francisco.

- Well, that's a deal-breaker.

You have four weeks to prove your theory.

If you're right, you have a job. If not...

Four weeks isn't nearly enough time.

I'm gonna pair you with a claims investigator.

And she specializes in, um, unusual cases.

Jim, you mind?

Zippy Cola is a client of First Fidelity.

They've got a potential wrongful

death suit on their hands.

You nervous?

No. Feels good to be working again.

That's a lot ofblood.

Ugh. Gross.

Could you please not... Oh, my God.

Yeah. I've got enough for now.

Has anybody checked the coins?

Who the hell's this guy?

Who the f*** is this guy?

I have everything I need. Thank you.

I just noticed his right sleeve is ripped.

Seriously. Who the f*** are you and

what the f*** is this camera doing here?

Hello? Can you look at me

when I'm talking to you?

Are you crazy?

My name is Burrows and...

Are you all right?

Of course. Just a little light-headed.

Listen.

I'm Siri Taylor. I'm the claims investigator.

And, uh, you are here only to observe.

So if you get another theory

about our client's liability...

Well, I do have a theory

regarding your client's liability.

People think motive analysis is unimaginative.

It's actually the opposite.

If you imagine all the possible scenarios...

you'll find the one most likely.

Who... is in fact... your daddy?

I am.

Come on!

Piece of sh*t!

You like that? Come to papa.

Come to papi.

Oh. Oh, sh*t.

Any second now you can go ahead

and... wipe that smile off your face.

Hello?

I'm actually originally from South Bend.

I moved here for love. I know. It's,

like, the oldest story in the book.

I needed my space, and much like you...

she, uh, wouldn't let me go.

Hey. Hey!

Hey! Hey! I'm in here!

Hey! Hello!

You minimum-wage a**hole!

I'm in here! Motherf***er.

Oh, sh*t.

The building will be

closed till Monday morning.

Have a nice weekend.

That's great.

Oh, f***. Oh, f***.

Guys like Emile here...

they spend their whole

lives testing the system.

Sooner or later, it's gonna catch up with 'em.

This is the way the world ends.

First of all, theories are bullshit.

"B", the legs on that machine, they failed.

So we have liability. Thirdly,

this d*ckhead has to go.

- It was criminal tampering.

- We only deal in hard proof.

Open up the machine. Check

the inside for his prints.

Okay. You want enough rope

to hang yourself? Fine.

One condition. You're wrong, and

you get some other investigator.

All right. All right.

But if I'm right, we investigate

my bullshit theories on these cases.

Hmm.

The deceased's prints coat

the inside of all the machines.

You on the job?

Used to be. S.F.P.D.

Also seems I've saved Zippy Cola

from a multimillion-dollar suit.

There's a non-tampering clause. See?

- Does that help Emile Travers?

- No.

But he was clearly in the wrong.

Oh, God. What the hell are you doing?

Just analyzing motivation.

Analyzing motivation.

It's simple. Greedy

bastard didn't want to pay.

Got his hand caught in the cookie jar.

It's not a question of greed.

Travers made over six figures.

He could afford cheese

crackers. He did it to win.

- To feel like he was beating the system.

- Fascinating.

So, tell me. Why are we going all

the way to f***ing Minnesota...

for a simple stolen car claim?

I picked Minnesota...

- 'cause the town hasn't had a stolen car in 42 years.

- So?

So, the chances of a

brand-new car being stolen...

in a town that hasn't had a

theft in 42 years is 3,000-to-1.

Oh, thank you.

- Thank you.

- I ordered steamed vegetables.

Yeah, you know, hot dish is

all we have after breakfast.

- What is that?

- A spork.

A spork.

Combination of spoon and fork.

Right.

Of course. Of course.

For an ex-cop, you're kind

of a p*ssy, aren't you?

I'm not used to traveling. So what?

I'm not talking about that. The cashier.

You've been checking her

out for, like, 20 minutes...

but you haven't said anything.

I don't have time to...

- I'm here to concentrate on work.

- Right.

Okay, listen, Casanova.

When we go to interview this car

claim, just let me do the talking.

All right?

Spork.

First rule of investigation:

Notice everything.

- Would you like a cookie?

- Oh, no, thank you.

Um, according to the form here, Mr. Sparrow...

it says the men took the car

from you at gunpoint, correct?

- Yeah, that's how Bob got shot.

- How completely terrifying.

Um, could you, for the record, just

repeat the description of the men?

Oh, well, they were, uh, bad guys.

They were definitely, uh,

you know, from the city there.

They weren't from around

here. I would have known 'em.

Okay, so, bad men from the city.

Thank you, Mr. Sparrow. We're done.

- We're what?

- Done.

Oh, I don't want any trouble. I just...

I want the money back for my truck, is all.

Why are you making it so complicated?

I go through a hundred cases a year.

Ninety-nine percent of them

are just plain accidents.

I mean, if he was lying...

The things, they just happen. It's fate.

I believe in behavior, not fate.

So lightning comes shooting out of the sky...

and you're gonna blame the

poor slob who got hit by it?

If he's playing golf

during a thunderstorm, yes!

God.

Well, so what if I just decided to walk

out here on the oh-so-dangerous ice.

No, no. I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Yeah, you probably wouldn't unzip your

fly without assessing the risk first.

You know, you're being

stupid. You're not being funny.

And 20% of back injuries occur on...

Siri!

I'm coming! Sh*t.

You all right?

No. Yeah. I mean... It's just the fish.

Oh, Jesus. Sounds like you have a concussion.

No. No, dummy. The fish in the trees.

The fish in the...

Everywhere.

They have carbon burns on them.

In this culture, the number

There's a rise in recreational accidents

for men between the ages 40 and 42.

Probably because men of that age can afford

the recreational equipment to do the damage.

Damn.

- Goddamn.

- That's right. Goddamn.

- Uh, what's she get per gallon?

- Who gives a sh*t?

- Ow!

- Watch the tire.

Oh, yeah!

- Ten cylinders, fuel injected!

- F*** you!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes