The Darwin Awards Page #3

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Okay? F*** you for having

this truck before I did!

Yeah, f*** me is right, eh?

Sparrow had been in three vehicular accidents.

- Ready, Max?

- But other than that, his record was clean.

Come on, boy. Come on.

Max! Good boy, Max.

This lake sucks. All the ducks are gone!

- Let's get some fish.

- Yeah! Ice fishin'!

- This is gonna take an hour!

- I got a better idea.

Recreational use ofhigh explosives

is illegal in all 50 states.

But about 3,000 times a year, men

like Tom Sparrow seem to find them.

- Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I got this from Wally down at the plant.

Well, I figure instead of busting our asses...

diggin' a hole in there, we'll just use this.

Hey, sh*t. Be careful with that.

Relax, it's got an extra-long fuse.

Besides, I almost made

quarterback in high school.

- Jesus Christ!

- What are you doin'?

Stop f***in' around! Throw it!

Man.

- This is what it's all about.

- I guess.

Heel, Max!

- You know, Max could get hurt.

- Heel, Max! Heel!

He's fetching! Drop it!

Drop it, Max! Drop it!

Tom, what do we do now?

Run!

Run!

- Whoa! F***.

- We gotta shoot!

No, Max!

- No!

- F***!

Oh!

Bob! It's freezing!

- Hold up! Hold up!

- One thing I've learned studying people.

Bravery and stupidity aren't

mutually exclusive traits.

In fact, you might argue

they're one and the same.

Bob! Oh! Bob!

Hey. You're zoning out again.

I want to go to the hospital.

Visit the one who was shot.

Oh, come on. Come on. We're

behind schedule already.

Besides, the case is closed.

You didn't learn anything.

Correction. We learned he had

a history of military surplus...

car accidents, and he's a second child.

Just like Emile Travers.

Hey, you just hate the fact

that the rookie solved the case.

- Hey! Who found the fish?

- You fell.

It's not like you thought, "I'm gonna

lie down and look for fish in the trees."

- You fell.

- Fine, yeah, I fell. Falling.

Something you wouldn't have thought to do...

because you're too chickenshit to

go out on the ice in the first place.

Laughing is not objective.

Before, these Darwin cases

werejust a puzzle to solve.

Now I was connecting them to names and faces.

I wasn't satisfiedjust studying

these accidents anymore.

I wanted to find a way to prevent them.

Sorry. Nurse!

Can you speed up a little bit?

Two-lane highways with broken

lines are the most dangerous roads.

Seventy percent of accidents

occur over the speed limit.

You're going 35 in a

Most studies have a plus or minus 10% error.

I'm correcting for that.

- What is this?

- The Piano Man.

He rocks. He's a musical genius.

It's been proven that

soft music reduces stress.

- Lost your crazy mind.

- Too hard-core for you?

F***.

What's so unusual about

this life insurance claim...

that we're driving all the way to Nevada?

There's no body. No leads.

Except for one unusual piece of evidence.

Forget it. Got nothin'.

No wreckage.

How far do the skid marks extend?

Uh, 2.8 miles.

No. You didn't look far enough.

Listen, buddy, it's over.

We've got a million-dollar life

insurance claim and no body.

How do you explain these?

You know what? It's not my

job to, unless there's a body.

Didn't you stop to think something

leaving a 2.8 mile skid mark...

was going inexplicably fast?

Listen, we searched a hundred-yard radius...

on both sides of the skids and found nothing.

No. I mean really fast.

There's metal in the skid

marks melted to the pavement.

From what?

Melted wheels.

When a man oflimited means...

has a million-dollar life insurance

policy, it raises questions.

Foul play by the beneficiary

must always be considered.

Suicide, if proven, is cause for cancellation.

You like her, don't you?

That's a bullshit question.

Now why is it a bullshit question?

You see, your whole "film school"

objective observer theory is bullshit.

You're trying to get me to say certain

things to create some kind of story.

Hey, it's all real footage, man.

No. It's the 90 minutes of footage you're

gonna choose from hundreds of hours of tape.

Then you're gonna edit it to make

someone look like the bad guy...

or someone look like the hero.

The only problem is, there are no heroes here.

Ow!

Harvey! Will you cut that racket out?

In many ways, Harvey was

a model X-factor candidate.

He had the classic

second-child personalities.

Stan, do you ever get the feeling

there's a whole other world out there?

What? Like Europe?

On the surface, a second

child is a responsible citizen.

Premium, right?

No. Mid-grade's fine. Thanks.

This has got fuel injection.

You want it to run clean.

Just mid-grade.

But boiling just below the

exterior of the second child...

is a competitive risk

taker who craves attention.

Been working on my own car a bit.

She ain't much, but she's

got a hell of a lot of torque.

Keep the change.

Oh, faster!

You can go faster, baby.

Oh, as fast as you can. Come on.

Oh! Go as fast as you can, please?

No, faster! You can go faster, baby, please?

All right, I'll go as fast as I can.

- That's it.

- What's it?

One of the largest safety risks...

is the unregulated sale of military surplus.

Whoa. Whoa.

Man. Huh. You guys are mad at somebody.

Hey, Harvey, grenades.

Oh, I wouldn't touch that if I was you.

- Why? Is it live?

- Legally, we can't give you an answer to that question.

- That's pretty cool.

- How many of these do you have?

Well, how many do you need?

Hey, Harvey. Look at that.

Am I good? Or am I bad?

I don't know. Somewhere in between, probably.

- What the hell is that?

- Ain't for sale.

- Not for sale?

- Barry, you know I've been saving that thing.

- For what?

- I don't know.

- How much?

- I got that from one of those boys on the military base.

What in God's name you wanna

do with that thing, Harvey?

Joleen, are you proud of me?

Like on TV, when you see

someone do something incredible.

Think I could be someone like that?

I don't know. I've never met

anybody incredible before.

Stan, this is your station.

I'm gonna go a mile back up the road.

Well, how can I film it?

Don't worry. I'll be

coming by in no time at all.

As soon as you hear the

ignition, start filming.

Okay. Harvey, you know, if we film

this we're not gonna get in trouble?

- 'Cause I'm on that probation.

- No, Stan.

We're not gonna be in

trouble. We're gonna be on TV.

Okay.

Harvey, you're not gonna

get yourself hurt, right?

Nah, don't worry. I'm not

gonna let anything happen.

Harvey. Am I good, or am I bad?

You're just a little bit bad.

But what's wrong with that?

- The JATO rocket is designed to add thrust...

- Careful.

...to overloaded transport planes like C-130s...

which, fully loaded, weigh

in excess of 200 tons.

Harvey's Chevy weighed less than two.

Harvey accelerated to 50 miles per hour

before he began the ignition sequence.

The first two switches mixed the fluids.

Once mixed, they become one of the

most potent rocket fuels on earth...

unleashing a force beyond the

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