The Darwin Awards Page #4

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imagination of Harvey Wedstone.

Okay. Harvey should be

here in about five minutes.

I'm not sure if this is gonna work.

By the time Harvey hit the brakes...

the car was already going 250 miles per hour.

Then the peak burn hit.

Oh, my God!

Harvey managed to pull the parking brake.

This would have been of no use...

because at 300 miles per

hour the tires melted.

Tellis Pearlman saw his fate coming

from the east at 400 miles per hour.

Forces usually reserved for wind tunnel

tests were now ripping the car apart.

The more I learn about this man,

the more I feel a strange admiration.

Harvey made a brave decision.

With three seconds ofburn left, Harvey

veered out of the Pearlmans'way...

hitting the sloped shoulder.

The trajectory sent Harvey

to an apex of 300 feet.

I did it! I f***ing did something!

What happened?

Nothing. I fell asleep at the wheel.

Kids, kids. Quiet.

Your father's lost his mind again.

Two days later, Pearlman

reported to the air force...

a U.F.O. that came and

went in the blink of an eye.

Mama!

- Stan, reverting to his criminal instincts, ran.

- Mama!

Okay, well, um, it was coming toward...

It was like a flashlight,

and there was an explosion.

It was going about 3,000 miles an hour.

- 3,000 miles an hour?

- At least 3,400 miles.

Very fast.

Mr. Pearlman, could it

have been your imagination?

He has no imagination! He's completely insane.

He ordered 22 cases of paper towels.

Had them shipped to the house.

And you don't have a history of narcotics.

It happened. I was driving

with my family in the car.

I had my children in the

back, and it happened.

One more second and we would

have just been in an accident.

Siri, he saved the Pearlmans'lives.

He's actually kind of a hero.

What? Listen.

Two years ago in Louisiana...

a single mother and her three

kids lost their house in a flood.

I had to look her in the

eyes and deny that claim.

I am sure as hell not gonna

give a million dollars...

to some idiot who strapped a JATO

rocket to the back of his Chevy.

Look at the trajectory. He was home free.

The rocket was burned out, then he swerved.

- The claim is rejected.

- What?

Man, you are losing it. We've

got, like, 20 minutes. Come on.

Jesus.

Don't you have to go back

to school at some point?

- This is my thesis project. I can take as long as I want.

- Great.

Could you be any louder and more obnoxious?

"You can't beat me, but

keep fishing for clues."

God, don't you ever stop?

If I don't meet this deadline...

my life, the one I was planning for, is over.

It's just that it's always

steamed vegetables...

and safety belts with you.

Doing the right thing.

It's like you're... you're

punching a clock 24-7.

Well, the world's a dangerous place 24-7...

and if you're weak or you make a mistake

at a wrong moment, somebody gets hurt.

Somebody maybe even dies.

And it doesn't help when someone won't

make a lousy cell phone call for you...

at a critical moment.

Burrows. So what is it? You

want us all to live to be 100?

Sure. Why not? I'd love to live to 100.

Even if it meant giving up everything

and basically having no life at all?

I think I got a pretty

good life, actually, Siri.

What am I giving up? Uh, hot

dogs? Cigarettes? Explosives?

You know what I mean. Come on.

Mmm!

See the girl behind the counter?

Tell her I'm your fiance, and I

just broke it off. Broke your heart.

Then ask her for a drink

when she gets off work.

Um, you know, a shoulder to

cry on, that type of thing.

Now, when she says yes, play track

two off Wilco's Summer Teeth album.

It's in the car.

I have no intention of, um...

And even if I did, I certainly

wouldn't use Wilco. Wilco?

You don't deserve Wilco. Just trust me.

Look at her. She's

totally small-town America.

She's probably desperate.

If you have any kind of pulse, you'll do it.

It's over! We're through!

You even begin to follow me over there,

and that's it, this is over. Got it?

Yeah, good.

Here...

Did she say yes?

Her name's Zoe. Meeting her at 11:00.

What do you think of when you hear

the phrase, "You can't beat me?"

Um, sex?

Damn.

Death trap.

Always be prepared.

Oh, yeah.

Goddamn!

God! Thank you, Jesus.

Oh, God! Jesus!

If you have a soul, you will help me.

You know how war photographers can't interfere

no matter what atrocity is being committed...

No!

You will burn in hell for this.

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

- Burrows?

- Help!

- Help!

- Sorry.

And I didn't even think you

knew how to have a good time!

I was just, the... It was...

I was trying to avoid the...

Let's just skip the

explanations and get you down.

Wait a minute.

You just stood there, not helping him?

Well, see, the main ethic of

documentary film prevents me from...

That's a really expensive

camera you've got there.

Yeah, actually. Kind of is. No,

please don't. No, please don't.

Let's just try to get you down.

What do you think of when you hear

the phrase, "You can't beat me?"

Please don't ask me that right now.

No, wait...

Ooh! Wait, wait, don't!

Yeah, but this is where

the knot is. I have to.

Look, I'm real flattered, but that is

not gonna help loosen anything up right now.

It's the straps.

I mean the the circulation.

Oh, boy. Okay, I got an idea. I have an idea.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. Okay.

- What?

- One, two, three!

- Ow! God!

- Are you okay there?

Hello?

- Michael?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah. He's right here.

It's your date.

- Hello?

- Hello?

Oh, hi. It's you. Yeah.

Uh, that was my business partner. We're just...

Well, she's helping me...

...making me...

- Ah! God!

- Are you okay?

Just figured something out. Ah, yeah. Yeah.

That's it!

Good. There's this Polynesian

place around the corner.

They make really big drinks, and you

can share them, and they have live music.

- It's sort of like Don Ho.

- Yeah. Listen.

I'm right in the thick of... In the

middle of something.

I think I should be with you shortly.

Yeah. Okay.

Bye.

Next time, try a bath. Have fun.

Thank you.

I give you such a perfect

song, and you blow it?

I can barely walk, much less anything else.

Last night actually explained so much.

- I have a theory.

- Really? Thank you, Dr. Freud.

No, seriously. You are so

obsessed with these Darwin cases...

that you are actually becoming one.

I think she's got a point.

No, I don't want Marcus, and

I don't want the bodyguard.

We'll be landing in 10 minutes, sir.

Christ, man, who's flying the plane?

I just put it on autopilot, ma'am.

Oh. Autopilot. Fantastic.

No. Marcus just got Carla a brand-new

international driving license...

and we're going to rough

it in the wilds of America.

The controls on the dash are...

The red button there is the cruise control.

Cruise control? What's that?

- Cruise control is... It's like autopilot.

- Oh, brilliant!

Then you have the...

You know? I think I'm really

getting the hang of this.

- My last experience at the dentist was a nightmare.

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