The Darwin Awards Page #5

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- I get that a lot.

There's no

reason to be worried.

We're a team. We're a team.

- Darling, do you want another drink?

- Magic, lovey, magic.

Magic. Yeah. I'm going to put

you on a little autopilot, lovey.

Go do your thing.

Darling...

I've got a lovely surprise for you.

That's very nice.

Who's driving the van?

It's on autopilot.

Oh, f***.

I don't know if I made this clear enough...

but we're not going anywhere

until we get a statement.

My lawyer says because of a pending

malpractice suit, I can't make any statement.

How am I supposed to...

I'll take a written statement

from you, Mr. Harris. Thank you.

You know what this is?

This is the medical report.

It's got your dental impressions.

And, well, I mean, your wearing a diaper

makes it pretty goddamn obvious what happened.

And frankly, I don't give a sh*t if

you're too embarrassed to talk about it.

What my partner means to say

is, we need a moment alone.

Lesions on the base of the penis! Come on!

- Come on, what?

- She was giving him head!

And you say my theories are out there!

It's bullshit! She gave him a blow job!

You know these X-factor types of yours?

They may die young, but they

sure have more fun in the process.

Okay, I admit your theory on

that case had some probability of...

Oh, come on. It was obvious from the get-go.

No. Yesterday, 11:33 a.m,

you said it's 99.9% probable...

she was giving him a...

...giving him a...

Blow job.

You know, I still wonder if it's even

physically possible while driving...

Oh, believe me. It's possible.

You want me to show you?

Whoa! No, stop! It's all right. Okay,

I admit you're right. You're right.

That's all it took?

Christ, I thought I was gonna have to

solve the energy crisis or something...

- to ever hear you say that.

- Funny.

Oh! Hey, if we wanna make it to Tacoma

tonight we better take the interstate.

Interstate goes over a 6,000-foot pass.

It'll be ice this time of year. This road will

connect us to the state highway in no time.

All right, this cannot be the right way.

The road is actually turning to dirt.

Everything's under control.

There's a cattle grate up ahead. That

means there's ranches around here.

Ranches?

Okay, and we don't have a spare?

One. Car's also stuck in the grate.

Excellent! My f***ing battery's dead.

- No signal.

- So what's the plan?

Wejust wait around here until it gets

dark and somehow our signal gets better?

You know, I take a lot of crap

from you for being prepared.

For thinking ahead. But you're

about to feel like a real idiot.

This balloon...

filament wire and helium.

See, the wire acts like a long

antenna, and I now have a signal.

Oh, come on. Come on. Come on.

Oh, it's too damp.

F***.

Remember a few years back,

wasn't there, like, a couple...

who ran out of gas on a desolate road...

and they didn't find their bodies until...

- That's it. There's a gas can in the car.

- Do you remember?

I got it.

- Do it. Just...

- I'm gettin' warm.

Okay.

You are one of these sorry-ass Darwin cases.

Should we move near the car for heat?

No, the embers from the tires could

ignite the gas tank at any moment.

So what that, that phrase?

"Beat me"... something?

- Yeah.

- What is that?

Written by a perp who I let get away.

Only a matter of time before

he hurts someone again.

I'm sorry about what I said before.

- It's just our car blew up, and...

- Yeah, I know. I understand.

You're right. I'm...

I'm beginning to relate to these

Darwin cases a little too well.

It happens.

I have a secret...

something I've never told anyone before.

Oh, sh*t. I'm out of tape! Damn it.

Oh, my God.

That's the most incredible

thing I've ever heard. I...

I have a cell phone.

And it has signal too.

- What?

- Yeah.

What? Wh-What?

I have a cell phone.

- You have a... Show you...

- No, please don't.

- Please don't.

- I could ram a spork up your ass!

Gesundheit. Or bless you. Whatever.

Thanks.

How do they do it?

What?

People with normal lives.

How do they make that happen?

You got me. Why? Is that,

like, something you hope for?

I never hope.

Too disappointing.

It's amazing.

Some people bring danger on themselves

no matter what precautions they take...

while others seem immune

to the dangers of the world.

They do everything wrong,

take no precautions...

cause death, damage to property.

Yet they still live to tell about it.

Come on, dude. Let's go!

Simon! Did you steal my pot again?

No! Relax, Mom. I'll be back by 11:30.

Get back here, you little sh*t!

- Hi, Mrs. Simon.

- Oh, hi, Farley. How are ya?

Let's go!

- Got the tickets?

- Getting them from Jimbo at the parking lot.

- F***, dude!

- Relax, man.

He'll be there. Whoo!

Metallica! Whoo!

- Metallica!

- Yeah, dude. We're here, man.

Yeah! Nice parking space, dude.

He told me he'd be here by 8:00.

He's not f***in' comin', man.

Listen to that. Metallica's taking the stage,

and we're in the goddamn parking lot, man.

They're not comin' back for two years.

I'll probably be dead or married by then.

Hey! Hey. You wanna sell your tickets?

- No way.

- Dude, 200 bucks.

- Nah.

- Dude, 200 bucks...

killer weed.

All right, man. There's no

price on this kind of experience.

- Dude, I'll give you my van.

- Not your ride.

- I'm serious, dude.

- Where is it?

- It's right there.

- There.

- No thanks.

- Idiot!

Hey, f*** you, dude!

That van has an excellent tape deck!

Enjoy your leather pants,

you f***in' butt-hole!

That was beautiful, man.

You're so dedicated to Metallica that

you were willing to sacrifice your ride.

Man, you lost your virginity in that van.

No, dude. I'm still a virgin.

- What about Lisa Cummings?

- I only got a hand job.

Ah, f***.

Exactly, man. What do we got?

Our lives are sh*t.

So that's why it is our birthright

at the end of the workweek...

to get messed up and go

hear f***ing Metallica!

Metallica! Metallica!

I'm getting you into this concert, man.

The chances of a fatal

accident increase threefold...

with a blood alcohol level of over. 20.

- Come on up, man. It's easy.

- Combined with another drug, such as marijuana...

the likelihood increases 10 times.

Come on, man. You can do it.

Use the power of the music.

Thank you.

Dude, I'm in, man! I'm in!

Aaah! F***! Sh*t!

- Dude, help me out!

- What?

- Help me, man! Help me!

- Holy sh*t.

Help me, man! Help me!

- Use that Popeye strength from your mama.

- Yeah!

Help me, man. Help me!

Goddamn!

Oh, sh*t!

- Simon!

- I'm okay!

The tree, like, caught me.

Oh, yeah. I love that part. Yeah.

All right, dude, I'm gonna get the rope.

No, man. I think I'm

pretty close to the ground.

I don't know, dude. It looks pretty far.

It's bushes, man. I can make it.

No, dude. Come on.

I'm gonna cut myself free...

and then the bushes'll catch me.

When you fall just be

loose, like stage diving.

- Right.

- And try not to fall on your head.

Hey. Can you shine that light

down again? I want to light a bone.

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