The Darwin Awards Page #6

---

Dude, I'm tokin' simultaneously.

Yeah, man.

- Ah!

- Oh, sh*t.

Simon!

F***, man! You trying to kill me?

Sorry, dude. What's the situation?

I think it's pretty f***ed up, man!

- These are, like, sticker bushes!

- Damn.

- Didn't fall on my head.

- Right on.

I got an idea.

I'm gonna tie the rope to the bumper of the

van. I'm gonna throw it over to you, all right?

Then I'll just ease you up, all right?

The other risk factor with

simultaneous drug use...

- is seriously impairedjudgment.

- Sounds like a plan.

- More, dude.

- You got it?

Yeah. Yeah, I got it! I got it!

Ah, f***.

Oh, sh*t. Aah.

Dude!

Dude.

Listen. We stopped the music.

The boy in the van survived.

His friend was not so lucky.

Gotta make a phone call.

F***.

This is purely for investigative purposes.

What the hell are you doing?

Research.

Ah. Well, good to see you're holdin' up.

- Neither of them is a second child.

- So?

So that was the one solid

trait I had linking the cases.

Look, with the amount of money you're

saving Simmons and the company...

believe me, you're gonna get the job.

A new job... doesn't matter anymore.

If I'm gonna find a way

to prevent these deaths...

I have to know why they do it.

I'll tell you why.

Do you know that companies intentionally

build in mistakes to monthly bills...

hoping you won't notice, just

so they can save a few pennies?

And insurance firms,

like the one I work for...

we have a... policy...

of rejecting every claim right off the bat.

And if you call to dispute that claim...

you get put on hold.

And then you get sent through an

endless maze of voice mail menus...

until you just give up.

All these minor insults,

they build up over the years.

Finally, people just...

People just lose their sh*t.

And you feel...

powerless and faceless, and...

and you end up strapping a JATO

rocket to the back of your Chevy.

Let's get you some coffee.

Oh, uh, coffee, regular.

"You can't beat me."

So illiterate for a lit major.

Well, a lit major.

Maybe it's a quote.

Nah, not a quote.

Did you hear that one about the

guys ice fishing using dynamite?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, with the dog.

- Exactly. Yeah.

What about the guy who takes a

rocket and bolts it onto the car?

- Yeah. He did a thousand miles an hour.

- I heard 2,000.

- You've gotta be kidding me.

- I swear.

Harvey Wedstone.

What?

He had a name, and it

was Harvey Wedstone.

And he had something you'll never have...

- an imagination.

- Un-Unstable.

How about I don't give a sh*t?

You will.

No!

Can you see me?

Yeah.

Where are we?

Oh, we're in my room.

Where's the numb-nuts?

- I locked him in the bathroom.

- Please let me out.

Oh, my God. Are you still high?

'Cause this stuff is kinda strong.

I don't know.

I've never been high before.

It's kinda cool.

You know, I... saw the boy's face.

And it was like I was one of them.

- I'm starting to worry about you, Burrows.

- Why?

You gotta learn

to detach from these people.

Just let them go.

- Well, I can't.

- Oh. Be careful there.

- I'm not like you.

- What do you mean?

Look at yourself, Siri.

The body of that boy in the morgue...

You acted like he was just some piece of meat.

Well, you know...

I was doing my job. That's my job.

You've been doing this for four

weeks and look what it's done to you.

You've gone from...

...from robot to rehab candidate.

Well, I've been doing it for 10 years.

And I've been doing it alone.

- Siri, I'm sorry.

- I'm just not gonna sit here like you...

and photographically

remember every single death.

I remember good things too.

On December 3, 10:45 a.m...

your arm brushed against my shoulder...

as we ate at the restaurant.

On December 13, after dinner...

your hand rested on mine for a moment...

as you got in the car.

Yesterday, at 5:
45 p.m...

This is gold, baby.

Ah, sh*t.

Oh, it's you. How'd you get out?

- She had to take a shower.

- Oh.

I think she might be in

the restaurant actually.

Damn, she's...

- Okay, okay.

- Nice to meet you. Thank you for the coffee.

- Hey. How's it goin'?

- Good. Good.

- What's going on?

- What? Do...

Come on, Burrows.

Last night was... stress relief.

You know, we were both on edge.

A little reefer involved.

It was more than just stress relief.

Um, you know what? Don't you have, like...

less than five days to

finish your project or else...

How did you put it? "My life will be over."

Sorry.

You know, we're not the

kind of people who can...

you know, do that or have that or whatever.

You think I don't know people.

You're wrong.

That was my specialty...

Analyzing a personality, anticipating

what their ultimate mistake's gonna be.

Your father left you between

the ages of four and five.

Just old enough to have a

memory of him, but it's fuzzy.

Fuzzy enough that you can project

him onto every man you encounter.

Fear of rejection causes you to work long

hours, have a job where you move constantly.

It keeps attachments to a minimum.

Unless it's a one-night stand.

You like those 'cause you

can control the situation.

That way you can always be

the one who does the leaving.

Tell me, genius.

What is my ultimate mistake gonna be?

You'll do this pattern too long...

To the point where you can't

do anything else but be alone.

Ow. Ow! I cut myself.

You know what? I know what

your problem is, Burrows.

You're faint of heart.

Find yourself another partner, because I quit.

You okay, man?

Uh, I guess I am.

You've got to snap out of it, man. Seriously.

You guys didn't get along anyway.

- I guess.

- I'm Mike Sugerman with Bay News Channel 1.

San Francisco Police say the North

Beach killer may have struck again.

The body of a young 25-to-35-year-old

woman was found here at...

Son of a b*tch!

There were no other witnesses.

Couple at the restaurant, they were...

...they were reading books.

You don't see that much anymore.

When I arrested the perp, I

was comin'out of a bookstore.

- You travel with your tapes?

- Yeah.

- All of them?

- Yeah.

Fast-forward.

Fast-forward.

Slow it down.

Freeze the frame. Zoom in.

- "Howl."

- What's "Howl"?

A famous book by one of the beat poets.

Beat poets.

"You can't beat me."

The plans have changed.

We're going to San Francisco.

Entering a crime scene or

tampering with evidence is a felony.

I don't recommend it.

Nothing's changed.

I'm here 'cause numb-nuts called me and

said you were about to do something stupid.

- Sorry.

- Manipulator. Interferer.

Why don't you just sell out

and move to Hollywood right now?

Listen, this is not your responsibility.

- Just call the police.

- They won't even let me in the station.

And this woman, she's

dead 'cause I let him go.

- You can't even go in there.

- I'll need another set of eyes.

Footprints.

Do you see any?

Um, yeah, and they're huge.

Good. Do you see any writing anywhere?

Just the menu.

Well, what does it say?

It's so obvious.

The book by Ferlinghetti.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes