The Decoy Bride Page #4

Nobody's seen anything and

there are no pictures.

You mean you've got no pictures. Marco

Ballani will have pictures.

What, that Marco Ballani?

Do you have the photo?

Marco! Have you got the photo?

I have nothing.

What's this nameless new book of

yours about, then, if it exists?

It's about the end of the world as

seen through the eyes of God.

Oh, dear.

Did no one tell you to write

about what you know?

She thinks you're a genius, doesn't

she? And you're trying

to be one so you're good enough

to be with Lara Tyler.

But it's left you totally

blocked. Pathetic.

Still living with your mum, pretending

to be a movie star,

writing a guidebook about an island

no one will ever visit.

That's pathetic.

I'm going to open my presents now.

Ah! Did you not get your picture?

- Do I know you?

- No, you do not.

No, I know only her.

Did you know she lived in

her pool for 2 weeks

before filming 'The Drowning'?

I lived above her in

her pool house roof.

We are both obsessional compulsional

types, you know.

- You didn't sell these?

- They are too personal.

And only now she has married

someone else do I realise...

I love her. I am a cavern

of longingness.

- Is that good English?

- Yeah.

I don't get it.

Lara and I like big cat documentaries.

Deal with it.

- What are you doing here?

- Where's Lara?

As if I'd tell you.

Behind the back of the world's

most fascinating woman,

you drink champagne and you

cavort with prostitutes.

I'm not a prostitute.

- I'm his wife.

- She is a horrendous mistake.

You have failed again to marry Lara.

This is a better match for you.

I'm sorry but I can't take your call

right now If that's Random House,

I've had a succession of computer

issues and an illness,

it's going really well and I'll be

mailing some chapters at the week.

Well, it looks like I might have hit

on my very own Lara Tyler exclusive.

Are you gonna fight like a man

or just throw puffins at me?

I will find her. And when I

find her, I will have her.

Not very likely.

Look.

- What are you doing? - I'm just

nipping out for some milk.

- What do you think you are? Tarzan?

- Lara's got a climbing wall.

Of course she has.

- It's been an absolute pleasure.

- Oh, I'm staying here, am I?

What makes your girlfriend more of

a priority than my sick mother?

- There might be wolves out there.

- Wolves? There's no wolves.

We don't even have bees. She

might stand on a hedgehog,

which would be good, actually,

because we're overrun.

Save it for the second edition of

your dreary little guidebook.

If there is one.

Right, wait there. I'm coming

with you. I'm coming down.

The pedalo's full of water. You'll

get the bottom of the dress wet.

You'll be released back into the community

shortly. Get back inside!

- Goodbye!

- Stupid nails.

Don't look at my legs. Please.

You got the bottom of the dress wet.

- Thanks for saving my life.

- I'm sorry you nearly drowned.

Don't be. My life flashed

in front of my eyes,

and halfway through I was just bored.

- Being drowned was a highlight.

- Me too, actually.

Quite nice to do something

productive for once.

You were right about me staying

with my mum. I am a loser.

Well, you were right about my

book being a bit soulless.

And about me being blocked.

- I guess I'm the bigger loser.

- I'm definitely the bigger loser.

- Oh, no. Not by a long shot. - Why

do you have to be so competitive?

...computer issues and an illness,

but it's going really well and...

James, I'm sorry. I can't

get into the castle.

You know in your book, the place

where they kiss? Meet me there.

Bring the priest and the rings.

I love you. I do love you.

The place where they kiss.

This is very kind of you, but there's

really no need. I can do it.

Och, I insist.

I thought you were wonderful

in 'The Wolf and the Moon.'

So... Thank you for getting the

word out about my wedding.

- How did it go?

- It didn't.

Thanks to you.

Knock, knock.

Quills.

Christmas present from Lara.

She thought they might

help with the writing.

Must have been a terrible concert.

- Dad, gone. We don't

talk about him. - OK.

Throw the money over. The money or

the wheelchair with you in it.

Come on.

- Did you hear me?

- Yes.

I'm thinking about it.

It needs... everything.

I like it.

April really is the cruellest month.

- Poor Angus.

- Sorry. Is he your?

No. Should have been, probably,

but I only go for arty types

with monster commitment issues.

My ex-fianc was in a band.

They just had a top 40 hit with

the song 'Bed Hopper'.

- So the clues were there.

- I thought it was ironic.

Stupid. But, then, I also thought

he liked girls who, you know,

give intelligent feedback.

And so he told me I was just one song,

not a whole album.

I'm finished with relationships.

- They say it's when you stop looking

that you... - Get married?

Actually, marriage is becoming

surprisingly bearable.

At least the fact that you are going

to leave me for another woman

has been agreed in advance.

What's she like?

I suppose she's just like anybody

else, just a normal girl.

No. No, she's rare and fine

and peculiar and modest. And generous.

And really, really nice.

And brilliant. At everything.

But can she do this?

No, I don't believe she can.

So you did all that with just

candle wax and powder?

- Yeah. Is it all off?

- Yes. You're so beautiful.

I'm sorry I sold your story.

I need to get off this island,

you see, and soon.

And I need to see the world and

be thrown into a volcano.

- It is my destiny. - Oh, my God.

I just realised who you are.

You're Maggie, the ornithologist's

wife.

James based her on you.

Maggie who would not bend, who

turns on her oppressors.

Yes, that's me.

- You have been such an inspiration

to me. - Thanks.

I've just been kicked in the face

by the most beautiful woman

in the world who is now walking

around outside dressed

as my old boarding-school matron.

I will pay 200 grand

for that cover shot. Go and get it.

Retro classic. 100%/ pure

new wool in a 13oz cloth.

Untouched since 1978.

What would I do without you?

Katie, there's money on Whale Beach,

enough for us to go away.

But we have to get down there

before the tide comes in.

- Connor?

- No, Mum.

- This is my husband.

- Your husband?

It's been a bit crazy. Hi. James.

Why is he dressed as your father?

- Well, his girlfriend's missing...

- He has a girlfriend?

- Is this Toilet Man?

- What?

- The man you made a pass

at in the toilet. - No.

Why is there money on Whale Beach?

Lara Tyler made me throw the cash

I got from selling her wedding

over the cliff.

She's not married. She's on

her way to Cathedral Cove

to meet James Arber.

James...

Arber?

Indeed.

Very clever. So you manufactured

this whole situation.

Big sack of cash for telling the press,

another for playing the decoy.

When it's all over,

the same again to set

the record straight.

Quite an industry you've made out of

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