The Decoy Bride Page #5

ruining other people's happiness.

Making cow eyes at me for hours to

add a little spice to the story.

- Cow eyes?

- Let me tell you.

For a honeytrap to work,

there needs to be honey.

Do you like him?

He's an emotionally retarded arty boy

who's in love with another woman.

- Of course I like him.

- Did you tell him?

A life spent making mistakes

is so much better

than a life spent doing nothing.

Falling for your father was the

best mistake I ever made.

I got you.

My worst mistake was

not going after him.

No. Would rather die.

Really? Then we'll get a big photo

of him and put it on the wall

and you can throw darts at it

for the rest of your life.

Where do these stupid people kiss?

Hello. I'm wondering if you

can help me. Thank you.

Is the Cathedral nearby,

or any other coves?

I've become rather lost.

Oh, great. Now I've been recognised.

Yes, I am James Arber.

I am marrying Lara Tyler. Probably.

But if you could try not

to mention it to anyone

and please don't call the press.

All right, yes.

Oh, no. No, that's not me. That's...

OK. Who to?

I'll just leave it blank for eBay.

I'll be getting along in a moment.

You've been very kind.

But if you had a map of Hegg

I could possibly borrow...

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. No. No.

Well, I might be a bit rusty.

Yeah. I've been concentrating

on the zither is the thing.

Beautiful.

Both deaf.

OK, one more. Yeah.

Hello, Mairead. Caleb.

Mild out, isn't it?

It's this global warming.

I heard my husband playing

the bagpipes.

It's a long story.

- Thank you. I was just coming

back to find you. - Really?

Yeah. We need to get divorced.

Yes. Yes, of course.

We should go and find Reverend McDonagh.

He'll know what to do.

OK, don't flip out, but James and

that girl, they've escaped.

We need local intelligence.

Who's that awful woman?

I don't know where any of them

are. No one's been here.

Yeah, see, I just don't believe you.

Look, they could be anywhere by now.

But I think you know where they are.

And I think for the right price,

you'll tell me.

I didn't sell your wedding. My mum did.

- She's dying and a bit pissed

off about it. - Oh, I'm sorry.

She just wants to see the

world before she goes.

Ah, look. It's my country residence.

Quick, come on. Come on.

- Where in God's name are we? - This

book says it's a wildlife centre.

You're a bleeding woman

with your map reading.

No, it's the book. It's all

wrong. It's so heavy.

Is somebody there?

- Incomers! Incomers! - Sorry, love.

Didn't realise anyone lived here.

- I'll throw another puffin on the

griddle for you. - No, thanks.

Griddled puffin? On a Friday?

Ah, our first home. What a

life we could have had.

Yeah. Come on.

So you think this Reverend McDonagh

can help untangle us?

Well, I can't recall going to

him with a similar problem,

but, yes, he'll know what to do.

There's something about

islands, isn't there?

Or is it just that I'm from one?

- No, there's something about islands.

- And this is just Hegg.

We're the plain Jane of the Hebrides.

You should see Barra. It's stunning.

I like this one. It's beautiful.

I wish I'd come here sooner.

- Stay away from her, Englishman!

- Angus!

- Mr April? - You come over

here, taking our women.

Your women? Angus, don't!

Run away with me. I never thought

I had a chance with you

until you came back and

then... Marry me.

You are married to Muireen.

But I don't want her. I never wanted

her. I always wanted you.

Shame. You're married, she's

married. Oh, what a tragedy.

She's married? Who to?

To me.

Is that true?

Right, then. I'll fight you for her.

- No.

- No, no. I don't fight.

I win. I get to keep her.

Angus!

I wanted to grow old with you. You're

beautiful and clever now.

It's easy to love you now.

But I'll still love you when

the wind's dried you out.

And when you're old and

broken. Will he?

Angus, I'm sorry. Go back to Muireen.

Sort it out. She loves you.

It's better when people love you back.

So do you love him?

- Come on.

- I'm all right here.

Wow. It's just amazing.

I used to come out here

a lot, on my own.

Only married 5 minutes and already

chasing after another woman, eh?

Why not give this marriage a go first?

Because the woman he's engaged

to is Lara Tyler.

She's an actress.

She's ultra beautiful, mind-blowingly

talented,

and rare, and fine, and modest,

and generous, and nice, and

brilliant at everything.

- But he's married to you.

- Exactly.

A mind-blowingly ordinary

shop assistant

from the Outer Hebrides.

Bit of a comedown.

You're not ordinary.

She could be Miss Universe

with a Nobel Peace Prize

and she'd still be wrong for somebody.

Weddings are like sunsets.

The romance of a moment.

Marriage is the sea into

which that red sun sets.

We got married by mistake.

- Probably not the strongest basis

for an enduring marriage. - No.

Then, in days past, the MacNeils of Barra,

huge ginger brutes they were,

would cross the Minch to

Hegg to steal our sheep

and snatch a wife at the same time.

But if we could reclaim the

woman before consummation,

the marriage didn't count.

It's still in Hegg law.

So if we can make it to Cathedral

Cove before nightfall,

your licence with Miss Tyler

would still be valid

and the original ceremony could

go ahead as planned.

If that's what you really want.

How long have we got

before it gets dark?

About half an hour. When God made

time, he made plenty of it.

When God made twine,

he made balls of it.

Well, you think about it while

I get my things ready.

Oh, one last thing. Has the

marriage been consummated?

- No.

- I just haven't had time.

When God made time...

Hello?

Lara?

James?

- Why has she brought us here?

- What is this place?

How do you know when you've

met 'the one'?

Whenever you look at them,

you find yourself singing

'You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings.'

Is that what happens when

you're with Lara?

They asked 10,000 men to

name their ideal partner

and 9,800 said Lara. Statistically

that includes

at least 800 gay men.

If you're male and Lara Tyler's interested

in you, she's the one,

it's kind of a rule.

If you can't be happy with Lara Tyler,

you can't be happy with anyone.

You are sure about this? Because you

seem like a good match to me.

Do you, James Neil Arber,

take Katie Nic Aodh

- as your lawful wedded wife?

- No, I do not.

And do you, Katie Nic Aodh,

take James Neil Arber

- as your lawful wedded husband?

- Absolutely not. No. Thank you.

I would ask if you would now remove

and return your rings as a sign

that you are not married.

Follow soon. We need to hurry.

Good thing there are no pets involved.

If I wasn't in the middle

of the Atlantic

after one of the strangest

days of my life,

I'd...

James, wait.

If things don't work out with Lara...

I mean, she's perfect, obviously.

But she gives you block.

So maybe you're not one of the 9,800.

That's not so impossible, is it?

Because then you could not marry her.

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