The Dictator

---

Tensions are rising

as the stand-off

between the world community and the

rogue North African nation of Wadiya

intensified today

as U.N. weapons inspectors were once

again refused access to the country

by Wadiyan leader,

Admiral General Aladeen.

I will take no options

off the table. And I mean what I say,

Tonight we ask...

Who is General Aladeen?

According to

Wadiyan propaganda,

Haffaz Aladeen

was bom in 1973.

He did not know his mother,

who died in childbirth.

GeneralAIadeen was born

the only son of the Colonel Aladeen,

himself a savage

and violent dictator.

Next!

Known for his iconic beard,

he is protected

by 30 female guards,

who he maintains

are virgin.

Thrust into power

at age seven,

he may just be the most dangerous

man in the entire world.

All right,

let's get right to it,

Do you have

nuclear weapons?

What was the question'?

Do you have

nuclear weapons?

Sorry, I can't hear you.

Are you developing

nuclear weapons?

No, I literally

can't hear you.

I'm going to

another question.

Oh, I can hear you now.

Eccentric and with

unlimited oil wealth,

he recently hosted

his own Olympic Games...

On your mark, get set.

...at which he won

fourteen gold medals.

Aladeen! Aladeen!

Often described

as ignorant,

he changed

over 300 Wadiyan words to "Aladeen, "

including the words "positive" and

"negative," causing mass confusion.

Do you want

the Aladeen news or the Aladeen news?

The Aladeen news'?

You are HIV-Aladeen,

With pressure mounting,

Aladeen addressed

his nation today.

Aladeen! Aladeen!

People of Wadiya,

I come before you today

to tell you that the world shall

kneel before our great nation,

We are two months away from

enriching weapons-grade uranium

to be used

for peaceful purposes,

It will be used

only for medical research

and clean energy.

It will, it will.

And will certainly

never be used

to attack ls...

Oh, boy.

With that speech, today,

the international community

is asking one question:

Does the Mad Dog of Wadiya

have nuclear weapons?

Now, show me

my nuclear weapons!

I can't wait!

I can't wait!

This is the Beard

of Doom rocket?

This is my weapon?

I will be a laughingstock!

All my friends

have got nuclear weapons,

Even Ahmadinejad!

And he looks like

a snitch on Miami Vice.

Would it kill him

to wear a tie?

I mean, is every day

in Iran casual Friday'?

Where is the Head of my Nuclear

Program and Procurer of Women?

Where is Nuclear Nadal'?

You had Nadal executed,

Supreme Leader.

Why did I do that?

Supreme Leader!

Nadal.

We are just months away

from refining weapons-grade uranium,

and we are set

to test the missile next week.

It is too round on the top

It needs to be pointy.

Round is not scary.

Pointy is scary.

This will put a smile

on the faces of the enemy.

They will think that it is a huge robot

dildo flying toward them.

No, Supreme Leader.

The shape of the missile top

has nothing to do with aerodynamics,

It is about

the payload delivery,

No. It sticks in the ground,

and then kaboom.

Supreme Leader,

I think perhaps

some of your information

about bombs is coming from cartoons,

Nonsense.

They were research films,

And in them,

the victims of the bomb

would get

very sooty faces

and then a see-through

version of themselves

started rising up towards Heaven

while playing a harp.

In this film,

just one question,

was there a duck who,

when the explosion is happens,

his bill goes

around to the back of his head,

and then in order to talk,

he has to put it back this way'?

There was somebody

who suffered a deformity like that,

Okay.

I am now 100% sure

that you are watching cartoons,

Have you spoken to

the experts about this?

- Have you consulted Professor Bobeye?

- Who?

Professor Bobeye, the one

with the incredibly strong forearms

that are miss-sized

for his body,

The man you are discussing

is called Popeye.

- Bobeye.

- He is not a professor,

Popeye is, as the song

tells us, a sailor man.

Indulge me. For one second,

pretend that I'm an idiot.

Okay. I'm there.

And explain to me

how this bomb

will not land in Israel

and then, literally,

bounce right back and blow up Wadiya.

Supreme Leader,

let me explain to you.

You've lost me,

This is the missile

in Wadiya,

you push the button, "Boop!"

Israel

No! Why?

Nuclear winter,

The reality is

0y vey!

Us.

Believe me, sir, if I could make

the device even a little more pointy,

I would,

but I simply cannot.

Okay. You know what?

Let's just agree

to disagree, my friend.

Okay.

What? Why'? No!

- Don'! you remember'?

- Of course I remember!

How dare you question my

memory? I remember everything!

No, I would never do that!

Never! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that,

Don't worry, it's fine.

Well done, my friend.

Thank you.

Wait! Wait!

Where are we going?

Admiral General,

what if we just tell the United Nations

we have no nuclear weapons'?

They will lift

the sanctions,

We'll be free

to sell oil rights to the Jalabiya desert,

Uncle Tamir,

Do you not remember

what my saintly father

made me promise him

on his deathbed'?

It was never

to sell Wadiya's oil,

You remember that

was when he gave me power

instead of you,

the rightful heir.

You've been so cool about it

Now, let's go back

to the palace.

It's the season finale

of Real Housewives

of Shachahmahahfalimitahlicchl

Aladeen! Aladeen!

Death to the tyrant!

Looks like we need

to find a new double.

Because this one is

You know, I don't know

if he's going to get better.

Oh, he's not going

to recover, sir. He's dead.

Send his wife some

chocolate covered almond nuts

in a cellophane wrapped box.

Delicious.

We're going to send

your wife some almonds,

Chocolate covered

versions of these,

Maroush, I think I dropped

an almond in his head.

Can you take it out?

What I don'! want to do is

send the body to the family

and then they discover

an almond in his head,

and they say,

"Why is there an almond in his head?"

Take it out,

Clean it!

How am I gonna eat that?

- Don't eat it.

- Oh, Maroush!

Listen, everything

is gonna be just fine.

I don'! want you to

worry about anything.

Yeah, how 'bout looking in my eye

when I'm speaking to you?

It's very rude not to look at somebody in

the eye when they're talking to you.

It's okay. Don't worry.

You're having a rough day.

We shot the wrong man.

I can fix this. I have a new

plan. We need to find a new double.

One that is simple enough to

be manipulated completely.

I think we found

what you are looking for.

You think this man

looks like me?

You have

a very ig barn.

You mus! have

many happy goats, hmm?

What the f***

does that even mean?

Uncle Tamir,

this thing is an idiot.

What makes you think

he can do the job'?

May I remind you that his only real job is

to be shot in the head.

Very well. Put him

through the process, okay'?

Clip his nails,

file his teeth,

bleach his skin,

and shorten the penis.

Megan! Megan!

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