The Dictator Page #2

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You now have herpes.

Megan, you were

worth every penny,

You were super hot,

ls my jet ready'?

Yes, but do you

want to stay the night?

You know, I really

want to do some cuddling.

No. Your time is up,

I have to be

with the Italian Prime Minister tomorrow,

Okay. Maroush,

give the goodie bag!

Thanks,

I trust

everything is in there,

as your manager requested'?

Katy Perry said she got

a diamond Rolex.

That's because she let me

Aladeen in her face.

Okay.

Right. Are you sure you don'! want

to stay for some cuddles?

- No.

- But, please,

I really want

someone to cuddle.

Breaking news now.

Just moments ago,

the U.N. Security

Council voted

to authorize NATO

air strikes against Wadiya,

unless Admiral General Aladeen

agrees to address the U.N. in person.

And now the world waits.

What will Aladeen do next?

Next. No, no, no. No. Boring,

boring. Come on. Come on.

Beloved Oppressor,

I have just received disturbing news,

Welcome

to the Munich Olympics.

Shalom?

0y vey!

Supreme Leader,

the United Nations

demands that

you address their concerns

about our nuclear program,

or they will vole to

authorize military action,

Summon my generals.

I'll join you after

I finish this level,

Bonus round. Mass grave.

Those gangsters at the UN

want me to address them.

Fine! I'll address them like they've

never been addressed before.

How much time

have they allotted me?

Seven minutes, sir.

I'll talk for 14 hours!

And three of those

will be untranslatable,

Literally, baby noises,

Okay. Let's rehearse this.

Role play, role play.

You, come on.

This'll be fun.

So, Secretary General

your soldiers will weep.

I'm so sorry!

Listen, it was not my fault,

I mean, somebody had

set the safety catch

to "Aladeen"

instead of "Aladeen"

Look, I mean

this whole gun

It's gonna be fine.

You just need to ice it,

You got to ice,

Promise me

you're going to ice?

Okay. Tamir!

Inale my neck pillow

and pack my book

of medium-level Sudoku,

We're going to America!

America!

The birthplace of AIDS.

Supreme Leader, I took the liberty

of hiring some extra security,

This is Mr. Clayton.

Admiral General,

I am here for your protection 2417.

Okay.

But in the interest of full disclosure, I

have to say I hate A-rabs.

Well, that's fine,

because I'm not an Arab.

Well, you're

all A-rabs to me, the blacks, the Jews,

those blue tree-hugging

queers in A-vatar.

In fact, anyone from outside of

America is technically an A-rab.

Listen, while you're here,

I highly recommend a visit

to the Empire State Building

before you or one of your

sand-monkey cousins takes it down.

Also, if you're interested in taking

in a Broadway show while you're here,

and you don't mind

the homo stuff,

I highly recommend

Billy Elliot.

You knew what, I like this guy

despite his liberal views.

Very good, sir,

Supreme Leader, the suite has been

renovated to your specifications,

Twenty dollars a day

for Internet? What the f***?

And they accuse me

of being an international criminal?

Beloved Oppressor,

try to get some sleep,

Tomorrow is

your ig speech

Nobody touch the minibar!

It's a f***ing rip-off!

Rise and shine.

Who are you'?

We've actually

already met.

Hello, Aladdin.

Clayton? I thought

we were friends.

Nice to see you, too

Here's the deal,

I'm gonna kill you,

and then I'm gonna bum your body,

No, no, no.

Please, don't.

But before I do I have

one very important question for you.

Did you gel a chance

to see Billy Elliot?

Yes,

And?

I found it heartwarming

and life-affirming.

Thank you!

How great is that show'?

It is.

It's great, yeah.

You know, he's got like

an artist inside himself,

but he's in this working class place

and no one understands him.

He's just like...

I'm gonna express myself in my dance

And he expresses himself.

And he doesn't wanna use violence,

but he puts his violence into his dance,

You should try that,

Okay. So, we gotta get down

to business. Enough chit-chat,

I'm being paid to kill you.

But I'm gonna

torture you for free,

Are you serious?

Where'd you get

those relics?

From the Shah of Iran's

garage sale?

Yeah, right,

I mean, I know there's

nothing more annoying

than a backseat torturer,

but, please, come on.

This is great stuff,

It's not great stuff.

That's like 1972, hello.

You won'! be talking

so much smack with this up your butt.

That's the Anal Umbrella.

It's a good device, I grant you,

but where's

the splash guard?

You're going to kill me

and your white shirt.

It didn't come

with a splash guard.

You're gonna get chara

on your trousers,

I can see it has

a screw hole for one,

Apparently,

a didn't get it.

All right, Mr. Smart Guy,

check out this bad boy,

Oh, that's not bad.

The Kandahar Cock Wrench.

Okay, so, now

we're getting somewhere,

It's actually been banned in Saudi

Arabia for being too safe.

You know,

this is totally depressing.

Listen, just show me

another one,

You know, honestly, I don't even want

to show you anything anymore.

Don't be like that,

You know, I don't even think

you want to be tenured.

I don'! want

to be tortured,

You're just, like,

taking all the fun out of it!

You just want me to say

compliments all the time.

So either you want the truth

or you want compliments, Decide!

It'd be nice if I gotjust a little bit

of positive feedback about my tools.

What else you got'?

I'm gonna love the next thing!

I will be supportive,

All right,

Just this. This pours

hot fire out on you.

Oh,

the Fallujah Firehose!

Someone's got

a friend in Syria!

I am pretty proud of it,

There is a new model,

you know.

I've got one that

works by Bluetooth,

Screw it. Screw it!

Screw it!

I'm going to enjoy this now.

No, don't. Don't.

Don't. Please, don't!

No one will recognize

the body without this!

The Supreme Beard!

You will be cursed!

No, no, don't do it!

Come on!

Why won't this catch'?

You foolish man! There is no earthly

fire that could ever light...

The flames

of the righteous attack the unjust!

I'll be back with help!

J-K.! Just kidding!

MY Speech.

Yo!

Average American shopper!

I do not have

any money on me,

but if you give me

your clothes

I'll make a sizeable donation

in your name to al-Qaeda.

Hey, hey, oh, oh!

Aladeen has got to go!

Hey, hey, oh, oh!

Aladeen has got to go!

Hello. lam

Admiral General Aladeen.

I am here to

deliver my speech to the United Nations.

Look, Admiral,

it's too hot for crazy.

How dare you'?

Listen, Tamir is

coming right now.

You're going to

be in ig trouble. Here he is,

Tamir! Tamir!

Tamir, it was you, you snake!

He's not the

legitimate leader!

He's not

the legitimate leader!

He's not the

legitimate leader!

You have rehearsed the

speech I prepared for you?

Yes. But when is

the General coming?

He's feeling ill,

Does he have worms in his shiishuf?

Very possibly.

Admiral General Aladeen

preparing

to address the General

Assembly of the United Nations.

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