The Distinguished Gentleman Page #4

DODGE:

Vera, we're talking about becoming aMember of Congress. We're talkingabout a sure thing.

(CONTINUED)

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 16.

23 CONTINUED:
23

JENNIFER:

Don't worry about running theoffice -- I'll be there nightand day.

VERA JOHNSON:

I'm sure you would, dear. But I

couldn't give you the same jobsatisfaction Jeff gave you.

Jennifer, embarrassed, didn't know Vera knew. Nor

did Dodge.

24 OMITTED 24

25 EXT. CONDOMINUM COMPLEX - DAY 25

A retirement community in the Florida sunshine.

26 INT. CONDO ELEVATOR/HALLWAY - DAY - THE ELEVATOR DOORS 26

open. A supermarket shopping cart full of groceries,

tied with a big bow, rolls out, pushed by Tommy. Loretta

accompanies him.

Tommy BUZZES at a door. It's answered by Tommy'sGRANDMA, a limber lady in leggings and a bright top.

She sees the groceries, kisses him.

GRANDMA:

This is very sweet of you, darling.

But you shouldn't have done it.

Where did you get the money?

TOMMY:

You don't want to know.

27 INT. GRANDMA'S CONDO - DAY 27

Tommy and Loretta are watching the track results on thelocal tv news. Tommy, playing solitaire, shuffles brilliantly.

Grandma comes in from the kitchen, shakingher head.

GRANDMA:

How did I end up with a thieffor a grandson?

TOMMY:

Grandma -- I told you. I'm not a

thief. I'm a con man. An artist.

GRANDMA:

But also a crook.

(CONTINUED)

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 17.

27 CONTINUED:
27

TOMMY:

But I only con crooks, Grandma.

You can't con an honest man. Onlysomebody who wants something fornothing.

(pause)

But the good Lord must have been

fond of pigeons, because he madeso many of them.

GRANDMA:

Sometimes I just wish you weremore like your Daddy...

TOMMY:

You mean, dead?

GRANDMA:

No, smartmouth... I mean someone

who made something of himself.

LORETTA:

(pointing at TV)

LOOK...it's the ad!

VIDEO...a cheap TV spot -- a busty blonde in a skimpyoutfit tossing her hair and pouting.

LORETTA (V.O.)

(fake Swedish accent)

I am Inga. I'm here from Sweden

and I'm s-o-o lonely. I need a

man...and so do my girlfriends.

VIDEO...Scantily-clad babes to match the names. Loretta

speaks along with the V.O.

LORETTA (AND V.O.)

...Maria, my hotblooded Spanishfriend...Babette, the Parisian

pussycat...and many others. So

call the "Girls of Many Nations,"

at 1-900-555-NATO.

SUPER:
CALL 1-900-555-NATO.

LORETTA:

(Swedish accent)

So what do you think of my accent,

Grandma?

GRANDMA:

Compared to what? Loretta, whydon't you go baste the turkey?

(CONTINUED)

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 18.

27 CONTINUED:
(2) 27

Loretta gets up and goes for the kitchen. We hear a

high-pitched ELECTRONIC WARBLE. Tommy reaches intoLoretta's purse and pulls out a cellular phone.

TOMMY:

(calls to Loretta)

See? I told you TV advertisingworks.

He opens the phone and speaks in a toneless, recording-

like voice.

TOMMY:

Hello...you have reached Girls ofMany Nations. For Hot Blooded

Italian Wildcats, press "one" now.

(nothing)

For Perky American Cheerleaders,

press "two" now.

(nothing)

For a Sultry Swedish Love Goddess,

press "three" now...

("BEEP")

He covers the mouthpiece and calls to Loretta.

TOMMY:

Bingo! Loretta...guy wants tospeak to Inga.

LORETTA:

(o.c.)

Tell him to call back. I'm

basting.

TOMMY grins mischievously and speaks into the phone inthe husky voice of a SWEDISH WOMAN.

TOMMY:

Ja, this is Inga. Hello Paul...

how are you tonight? You are

feeling naughty? That's all right...you have your what in a bowl ofoatmeal? Yes, that is verynaughty, and maybe a little sick.

GRANDMA:

Disgusting.

(CONTINUED)

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 19.

27 CONTINUED:
(3) 27

TOMMY:

Oh NO! It's my husband Lars.

He's home early, I must go before...you want to talk to Lars too?

So you like to talk dirty out ofboth sides of your mouth.

(normal voice)

Man, you are one twisted bastard!

Laughing, he hangs up.

GRANDMA:

Tommy, please!

TOMMY:

Sorry, grandma, just getting athird minute out of him.

He clicks off the phone and slams it back into Loretta's

purse. Loretta, meanwhile, has reappeared.

LORETTA:

You hung up on Paul? He's one of

my best customers.

GRANDMA:

I can't believe any relative ofmine does that for a living.

LORETTA:

C'mon Gramma...it's only my voice.

They never actually meet me.

GRANDMA:

So my granddaughter talks dirtyfor a living and my grandson's athief.

TOMMY:

What's up, Grandma? Are youembarrassed to show my picturearound the pool?

GRANDMA:

Of course I'm not. Look.

She goes to her sewing basket and pulls something fromit. She unfolds it: a long piece of needlepoint she'sbeen working on.

INSERT:

It spells out Tommy's full name: Thomas Jefferson

Johnson.

(CONTINUED)

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 20.

27 CONTINUED:
(4) 27

GRANDMA (O.S.)

Look what these arthritic hands

been doing.

BACK TO SCENE:

GRANDMA:

Make me proud of you, Tommy. Make

me proud of the name you carry.

In the silence between them that follows, we HEAR the tv.

GENERAL MANAGER:

I'm Ned Grable, vice president andgeneral manager of WFLA. We think

Mrs. Jeff Johnson did the rightthing in not running for thecongressional seat left vacant byher husband's death.

The editorial catches Grandma's attention.

GENERAL MANAGER:

Jeff Johnson's name may still be magic.

But it'll take more than the magic ofname recognition to solve our region'sproblems. I'm Ned Grable.

GRANDMA:

Name recognition. Lordy, what anotion. People have to be someboobs just to vote for someonebecause their name is Johnson.

Tommy's eyes widen.

GRANDMA:

I remember once back in Georgia,

they even elected a dead man. His

name was still on the ballot -people

were just used to votingfor him.

TOMMY:

What did you say, Grandma?

28 EXT. BAIT SHACK - DAY 28

HOMER, the proprietor of Homer's Pit Stop, wearing fuel-

smeared overalls, is dieseling a Customer's boat down bythe water.

TOMMY (O.S.)

Homer! Get your ass over here!

(CONTINUED)

THE DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN - Rev. 4/3/92 20A.

28 CONTINUED:
28

Up by the racks of junk food and beer, and pails of fishslop, Tommy and Armando await Homer. In b.g., an olderblack gentleman plays checkers, solo. This is VAN DYKE.

ARMANDO:

What's this about, jefe?

TOMMY:

(calling)

Loretta! Get off the damn phone!

ARMANDO:

This better be good.

TOMMY:

(sarcastic mimic)

"This better be good." Loretta!

ON LORETTA on the pay phone, moaning in Swedish ecstasy.

LORETTA:

Oh, ya, ya, God, you're so big!

(waving at Tommy)

Uh-oh, I have to go now, my

husband Sven is home early...

Tommy grabs the phone. He pushes aside a protestingLoretta...

TOMMY:

Goddammit, Inga, is it that

pervert again! Damn!

He smacks the receiver with his hand.

TOMMY:

(into receiver)

Listen, you little sh*t -- I just

spent eight years in the joint,

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